MEN. by C. Beau Pollock (rough draft/unedited) V1


A nonfiction semi auto-biographical book by C. Beau Pollock

“MEN" "A memoir with an agenda for activism and social change, a new concept on manhood, lifestyle and masculinity, a personal guide book to well being and a deep dive into avoiding and even reversing  the "midlife crisis". 

(A cross between Fight Club, Eat Pray Love, The Power of Now, Scar Tissue and The Way of the Superior Man)

By C. Beau Pollock
©️Pollock Studios 2019
(Treatment/Outline/Working rough first draft)

***This is a WORKING draft. Some chapters are just a rough outline or one topic so far. Some are near complete. Some will have much more self help type stuff once the editor is making things more cohesive. This is in no way a first draft but if you’re reading it it means I respect you for who you are to read something in raw unfinished form. Not looking for criticism or critique yet. Just for people to get an idea of the concept and vibe. 

By reading this early rough draft manuscript you are subject to Pollock Studios Non-disclosure agreement and strictly forbidden to speak about the title, concept or any text, sayings or phrases within. 

**I listen to mostly country music, reggae and when I edit this I put on Beethoven pandora and just read and vibe. Put on something nice to listen to. But nothing with lots of words or lyrics. You need to focus on these ones. 

Cheers and thanks!,

This book is dedicated to Benjamin Ciaramello:

(My note to him when I finished the first chapter)

“”Hey bro,

I took this summer off work (mostly) and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I finally figured out who I am. Dealt with a bunch of stuff and strategized like a motherfucker.

Anyways I’m writing my first book that’s non-fiction and going to be submitting it to publishers etc. I have a basic treatment and concept and this is the working draft. Only first chapter.

I wanted to send it to you to read the concept because besides Jessica you’ve been the most supportive friend I’ve ever had. It’s been a blessing and for you to help me realize that I’m a writer means the world to me.

Just wanted to thank you. I know we have our differences politically and whatever but I’ve always respected you.

So cheers to you and thanks.

When I get a few hard copies of demo first drafts I’ll send you one. I’m shooting for final draft by January 1st. First draft Prob mid November end of October the latest. I’m only shooting for 200 pages though so I’ll probably write 300 then edit down.

Hope you like it. “”


By C. Beau Pollock
©️Pollock Studios 2019
(Treatment/Outline/Working rough first draft)

A personal guide for men (and young men) on how to live and survive as a modern american man. How to thrive, and how to evolve while not only avoiding a mid-life crisis but reversing the process. 

A raw and real sharing of stories and rants and ideas to help myself and other men open up and break down the barriers keeping us from true personal growth, peer bonding, uncensored and open dialogue and deep friendship/brotherhood. 

This book speaks on mental health, physical health, spiritual health and emotional health and maturity but makes no claims to be any kind of cure or fix all. Within its pages I’ve recommended only things I’ve done or changes I’ve made during my own journey as reference and in no way suggest anyone try any of the things I’ve done. This is merely an auto-biographical collection of stories and development that you may enjoy reading or comparing to your journey and if you decide to make any changes in your life from reading about mine that’s your own choice and prerogative. 

Instead of a midlife crisis how about a midlife evolution? 

So If midlife crisis is a real thing then when exactly is midlife? 

When does full “manhood” occur? How do we know when we are approaching midlife? What are the signs? Is it only age or is it a spiritual and evolutionary issue? 

Here’s my (opinionated) chart:

“From Birth to Man chart”

Toddler- 2
Little Kid- 3-10
Big Kid- 10-13
Young Man- 13-16
Young Adult Man-16-18
Young Immature Adult Man-18-22
Adult semi-Functioning Man-23-25
Adult Almost Man- 25-31
Adult Man Career- 32
Adult Man Home- 33
Adult Man Family- 34-35
TRUE Adult Man- (congrats! You’re a man! 35ish) 
Grown Man- 40-60
Older Man 60
Older Wiser Man 70
Old Wise Man 80 (average lifespan for men) 
Elderly Man 90
Old Ass Man 100
OG grandpops gangster! 110
Times up old fucks… 

Sorry dude, come back as a Greenland Shark next lifetime (272 years) 

Some men evolve younger, some later. Many Never do. Most never evolve beyond their cliche high school identity politics reality. The jocks, the hippies, the rockers, the losers etc. the clique mentality that has plagued our society for so long. I bounced around to all of the cliques and didn’t give a fuck who accepted me and who didn’t. I still crashed their parties and drank their beer anyways.

Chapter 1: Your Body (not sex)
Chapter 2: Your Mind
Chapter 3: Your Heart
Chapter 4: Your Soul
Chapter 5: Your Body (sex this time)
Chapter 6: Your Family
Chapter 7: Your Friends
Chapter 8: Your Legacy
Chapter 9: Your Soul (again)
Chapter 10: Your Death (just your body)


I’m writing this semi-autobiographical book today (Sept 23rd 2019) 39 years of old from birth on May 12th 1980 in Los Angeles, California, United States of America, Earth. Milky Way. I’m not using a template or format. I’m just rolling with it. I am using the chapters stated as an outline  and that’s it. That’s just how I’ve always been. I take the road less travelled. This book is about me but it’s not really. It’s about how I have figured out who I am, what I want, who I was (old self), why I was like that, what it took to grow, change, self care/heal, and most importantly balance my body, my mind, my heart, my soul and to evolve.

I’ll be using personal experiences and traumas and successes and good decisions and bad decisions and ways I healed and processed and dealt with those things as offerings to you so that you might not do some of the bad things or might do some of the good things but I’ll tell you right off the bat: Mental Health is stigmatized in our society and it’s BULLSHIT. Every single one of us has dealt with it and for us to not feel accepted, welcomed and offered help and or embarrassed or closeted for having psychological effects or emotional breakdowns needs to change. There’s no such person who has not had depression. We are not robots. We have ups and down. Clinical depression? That’s different. But if you’ve never been depressed at periods in your life you’re likely a sociopath. Just sayin. 

Mental health should be treated as any other medical condition and should someone be depressed or stressed out or having some serious emotional breakdown they should take a sick day from school or work or whatever they need. And if they need more than a day than they should take whatever they need. With adequate and assistive treatment, support and health care. 

I myself have been diagnosed “borderline bi-polar”. Now that term is THE MOST stigmatized term in all of mental health. Why? It’s easy to say. And it sounds interesting. It’s also very common (10-15% of the population atleast) How much harder is it to say “paranoid schizophrenia” or “manic depressive” or “split personality disorder”? Or “obsessive compulsive disorder” “social anxiety disorder” There’s dozens of them obviously. They’re all important and thank god for modern psychiatry and psychology and thank god they’ve finally merged the fields and so have western and eastern medicine. Now there’s finally doctors who prescribe both western and eastern medicine for both physical and mental health!! Yay! Bi-polar (in my opinion) is basically people that get depressed or have recurring depression and also anxiety which causes stress and rapid thoughts “monkey brain”. They can also experience mania and the manic states of clinical bi-polar are the dangerous part but that’s only with certain levels of bi-polar and only when not balanced out (chemically, physically, emotionally and spiritually). There’s a spectrum for everything and literally billions of people are on the spectrum of bi-polar wether they know it or not. Nobody is perfect. To admit we are flawed is the first step towards all healing, recovery, growth, and my favorite term for human behavior (you’ll get sick of it by chapter 3) evolution. Being flawed or having flaws DOES NOT MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A PERSON. IN FACT IT MAKES YOU MORE OF A PERSON. Why? Because you’re aren’t putting up a front. You aren’t faking happiness. You aren’t pretending your life is perfect like so many others who really deep down inside are suffering worse than you. You’re admitting you’re human and to me that’s BEAUTIFUL. 

But who’s really talking about mental health anyways? Who’s out in public? Not many people. Now it’s a hot button issue because the republicans want to blame mass shootings on mental health. Well let me clue you folks in. Depressed/anxious people don’t go shoot up schools and Walmart’s. Those are SOCIOPATHS and psychopaths and just all around evil people. Those people could have mental health issues but those issues are not the average. Those issues are likely psychopathic and they likely have violent and traumatic pasts as well as present in their lives and have likely been on a path towards those hateful acts their entire life. Those people are a different category of not just mental health but a different category of humanity. They are not normal. And the people who send them love letters in prison and glorify them and send them fan mail
Are not normal either. 

Most people have some sort of mental issue, symptom, diagnosis wether they know it or not and many of the symptoms will change throughout their lives. 

Mental health and criminal activity are not the same thing and for billions of people have no connectivity at all. 

The few bad seeds and the media cast a broad net and it needs to change. 

So there’s them and then what? 

The REST OF US? Well we get trashed or stigmatized or thrown under the bus or blamed for being “emo” or “empaths”. Some people are even seen as weak or defective or judged in that manner. You know what I’ve seen? I’ve seen people who have chosen to deal with mental Health head on and become the strongest, most stable, most productive, most achieving and most evolved people in society. And not just right now. Look at Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King. And johnny cash. And Mohammad Ali. And all these other great men (lots of great women too) that have battled their demons, dealt with their mental health and drug and alcohol addiction/self medication and gone on to live long and healthy, “happy” and LEGENDARY lives. Let’s start celebrating the achievements of any person who is battling addiction or mental health issues and giving them proper tools for support and praise for living healthy productive lives rather than just rock stars or actors or any of that. 

Ben Affleck got sober? Fucking great for him. Pat on the back for sure buddy but why aren’t we given that same support for the average Ben and the average Joe? Why don’t we get any credit for the work we do on ourselves with our addiction and other issues? 

And when we lose someone to drugs and alcohol or addiction or depression what do we do? Do we return to apathy or do we use that example of how bad it can get? Do we sweep their memory under the rug or do we use their death and our loss and pain as a constant reminder of what our society is lacking and needs to help more people? 

Unfortunately some/many have also gone all the way the other direction and succumbed to drugs and alcohol and left us far too young.

Some were just addicts. Some were self medicating. Some just had a spirit too gentle and angelic for this harsh chaotic planet.

They say “only the good die young” and so many of us unfortunately know that is painfully true.

Amber (my sister), Laura, Sky, Isaiah, Gavin, Josh, Garlic, Cleary, Brian, Emily, Loren, Jayrad, Sarah M., Brandon, Loren, just to name a few, but the list goes on and on and we each have our own list and may they all fly and rest In peace power and love and healing to you and yours...we all know someone. 

Maybe if we were allowed to process our trauma and emotions and feelings more people would heal instead of taking their addictions too far. 

This was from a recent post I made when Sarah M. Died from drug and alcohol (self medication)

Another friend from our childhood dies from drugs. Another stream of vapid posts of "RIP" because what else can we do? We can do more. We can start talking about all the pain and things that lead to this. We can start helping each other.

She was a total sweetheart. Like a smile that melted you. For real. I'm floored. I can't just sit quiet anymore.

Why can't drugs be something that is like a desert? Or an appetizer? Why can't people have a taste and then move on to the MAIN COURSE that is real life? THERE’S SO MANY NATURAL HIGHS. I don't fully comprehend addiction. The only time I've been addicting to anything was when I was 15 and my sister died and I smoked weed all day everyday so much that I didn't have to think about it. I have to admit it that it worked. I lost myself in music, weed and skateboarding. I couldn't go a few hours without it. I was like a weed junkie. I'd scrape pipes to smoke the resin when I had to. I realized one day that I hated it though. I hated needing it. So I replaced it with something else. Persistence. I replaced the high with the high of ambition. And I quit and focused my mind on opening a skateboard shop when I was 16. I sketched out ideas on paper and drawings of logos. I did whatever I could and whatever I had to. I took my ged. Got out of high school early and took a business class in college. I didn't let anyone dismiss me or anything get in the way. It was my drug and it was my high and my addiction and by the time I was 17 I was in business. In the same way that people tell you to "just be happy" I was told I couldn't do it. I'd never tell someone to be happy and I would never tell someone they couldn’t do something. Or try to force themselves to “be happy”. Thats bullshit. That's not possible. It's ok to not be happy. It's ok to be depressed. It's ok to be addicted to drugs or addicted to anything. It's time we realize that. We all need help and we all need things that help us find our path. The reason I'm telling this story is because I want to put it out there that might help people not be afraid. To not be afraid to try something different. To replace that drug of choice with a choice. A choice for something new in your life. It doesn't have to be starting a business. It can be anything. It could be starting a blog. Starting a book. Starting a garden. Starting a t shirt business. Starting to pray. Starting to do yoga. Starting to go back to school. Starting a family. Anything. Anything that can replace that slightly open window with an open door instead. So you're not just getting high or drunk and looking out the window and watching life go by you're actually living it. Walking out the door and trying something new. It's possible! I know because I've done it! So has my brother! His son was less than a month old when he got sober and guess what? It's 11 years later. It can be anything. Even just working. Just changing the idea that your job is just to pay your bills into the idea that your job is a stepping stone to another promotion. Or another job. Or a down payment on a house of your own.

Drugs can be replaced. With persistence. I'm not saying self medicating is wrong. Just everything must be done with moderation. If you smoke weed and it helps you I believe and 100% support it as medicine. I just knew at 15 it wasn't that for me. Same with a couple glasses of wine. Nothing is bad until it becomes bad. Ya dig?

PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE don't let this bullshit world get you down. Don't let lost friends and passed away family members let you feel lonely. They're with you still. I PROMISE. You can't see them but if you focus enough and believe you can feel them. And they'll visit you in your dreams. I swear to god.

Please know that there's help. There's that button on social media that says "message". I 100% promise I will not judge you and will respond with any support that I can. There’s also local help to your area for any mental health, addiction, and other things you may be going through. 

I've found ways of coping. Ways of healing. Ways of growing and evolving and I'm so far from where I was when I was a lost, depressed little skater kid that I want nothing more than to somehow helpothers . To please do anything we can to help each other to stop this endless news of another person gone so young. Even if that means posting publicly that you were an addict. Or that you have depression or mental health issues. We all do! We all have! Look at the president. He's a nightmare of mental health issues. But that's what makes us all human. Nobody on earth has not felt depression. Not even the Dalai Lama and he will admit it.

I post about Holy Basil ALL THE TIME. because it works. Not just for me but for dozens of people. It's like the best parts of weed but without the high and Xanax without the druggy feeling. It's literally good for you and provides you with overall calm and lowers stress, wipes out anxiety, helps with depression, chills out OCD and ADHD. It's helped for tons of other things it’s helped millions of people for thousands of years. 

Try some. What’s the worst it could do? Lesson your symptoms? Even if it doesn’t do anything it’s still worth a try. I take double the stated dose and triple if really stressed out or anxious. It works every time. Sometimes I’ll stay on that dose for a few days or just the one day then taper off. I usually only need it 4-5 days out of the month max. Usually around the waxing moon. 

Please try it for even lists all the potential uses including: 

Anxiety. Early research suggests that taking holy basil leaf extract twice daily after meals reduces anxiety and associated stress and depression in people with anxiety.

Diabetes. Some early research suggests that a holy basil leaf extract might decrease blood sugar in people with type 2 diabetes.

Obesity. Early research suggests that taking holy basil doesn't seem to help with weight loss or control of blood sugar or cholesterol.

Stress. Early research shows that taking holy basil extract by mouth in the morning and at night decreases symptoms of stress, including forgetfulness, sexual problems, exhaustion, and sleep problems.

Common cold.
Influenza ("the flu").
Stomach upset.
Heart disease.
Viral hepatitis.
Mercury poisoning.
An antidote to snake and scorpion bites.
Other conditions.

Beyond stress, anxiety, depression and mania, I’ve personally know people with everything from Bi-Polar to ADD, ADHD, OCD, PTSD, SAD, who have written me personal letters stating it’s directly helped their issues and thanking me for recommending it. 

One woman said her son was on Ritalin and other drugs for ADHD and with strong doses of Holy Basil is now taking nothing else. It’s proven. So is CBD. So are many other great natural alternatives. That doesn’t mean many people don’t still need pharmaceuticals. It means some don’t and some can do both or at least less pharmaceuticals. 

Many people aren’t willing to try something new or put something in their body they never have before without a personal reference from someone they know and trust. That’s how I discovered holy basil. Now when I go to Whole Foods or my other local health food store I notice it’s either sold out or always being restocked. The word is out. The stuff is no cure all but it sure as shit is a fantastic herb and alternative to some pharmaceuticals. 

I highly recommend you try holy basil. Also kratom for withdrawal from opioids. And many other natural alternatives to pharmaceuticals including and obviously Cannabis and CBD

With that said: 


I do absolutely endorse this natural medicine though. 

It’s called “yoga in a cup” in India. (They drink it in tea form) it’s also called Tulsi and you can buy the tea form at any healthfood store. 

I prefer the capsules or the liquid drops as it works faster and is more potent and can be taken anywhere at anytime. 

You’ll find it in the section with other natural anti-stress remedies and sleep aids etc. 

Please message me about anything regarding the topics in this book. I’ll promise I’ll get back to you but it may take some time. I’ll likely put up an FAQ section on the book website for most popular questions. 

Please get help if you need anything be it for your body or any type of addiction or sickness or your mental health. 

Whatever you need never be afraid to reach out to me or to any local authorities. Hospitals are safe places and if you’re ever having any kind of panic attack or emotional or psychological break or event please do not hesitate to go to your closest emergency room. They are there to help you. Trust me. They’ve helped me. 

If you haven’t just need anything like some feedback or even just a hug. Reach out. 

Ever been to any support group meetings or recovery meetings? They're there. 

Don’t like the 12 step program? Don’t like the mention of god? Well there’s other options. But the truth and facts are that those programs work. They literally save millions of lives year in and year out. 

Any meeting you walk into when they say the serenity prayer you'll feel it. I’m not an addict and I feel it. It just means you’re admitting your own humanity. Admitting we all sometimes need support. 

“”God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference””

Don’t worry about the terms or the specifics. Don’t worry about them talking about god. Don’t worry about the higher power. Anything can be your higher power. I mean think about it the earth is much more powerful than you right? Volcanoes, Tornados, Earthquakes, Hurricanes. The earth is absolutely a higher power than all of us and we are born into it and die back into the earth so if you need a higher power maybe you just need to believe in earth? Mother Earth. Mother Nature. Mother of all life. 

All the prophets called God something else anyways. None of them called called it anything than what is truly the greatest and most powerful force on earth. Love. 

They called it love.

Love. It's everywhere. Focus on that and just block out the rest if you have to. But if you’re an addict and meetings have worked for you before than go back! Trust me it’s nothing to hide. Our generation is the first generation to be posting publicly each day and week and month and year they’re sober. It used to be like a secret society and it always will be in some ways but whatever and however you can make it work please just try to do it. There’s people that want you around. And they want you around sober and clean enough to truly feel your love. Trust me. 

The greatest form of love you will ever receive is the love that you give to yourself. 

The greatest form of love you will ever receive is the love that you give to yourself

We’ve all experienced the harshness of life whether first hand or as a friend or family member of someone. 

We’ve all seen how bad things can get.

Don't buy the bullshit fakes. Orange County is the wealthiest county in California and the top 5 in the country. Guess what? It’s got the highest rate of prescription anti-depressants  and anti-anxiety rates in the country and also the highest rate of plastic surgery. They’re all faking it and on Xanax to get them through the day of fake smiling. It’s a shit show and people should drop the facade and act real. 

They’re all trying to one up each other with a nicer car or bigger house or bragging about what college their kids are going to or what vacation they’re taking. Don’t buy it. It’s all a facade. Truly happy and content people don’t show off or brag about anything. They listen instead of speak. They learn from others instead of preaching. 

I’ll take my own advice on all that as much as can. But first I have to state my piece. I have to give you my two cents. You can take it or leave it. 

So that’s a large part of what this book is about. Being a man in a hypocritical culture that idolizes wealth and privilege and status and legendary flawed people but stigmatizes anyone else who isn’t some Johnny Cash or Lady Gaga or Robin Williams type actor or rockstar. They’re celebrated for being flawed and being god’s of music but since we aren’t rock stars we are supposed to just feel flawed but not the god/rock star part? That’s not fair. 

We’ve all seen how bad things can get right there on TV. Think Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Kanye West, etc. they all got trashed and made fun of for having emotional and psychological breakdowns in the public eye but why? How come we weren’t reaching out to support them instead? Just because they’re rich and famous they don’t deserve love and support and empathy? 

We’ve also seen how GOOD things can get. And how long someone can live and prosper once they’ve done the work and figured out how to live with their addictions, mental health issues and evolve. 

Sometimes people have to go to dark places before they can live in the light. 

It’s always darkest before the dawn. 

So anyways back to me. ;-)

I took this summer off. Not that I didn’t work at all but I took most of it off and I did it for myself. Was I lazy some days? Fuck yeah I was. But before I decided to take this summer off I’d been thinking about every job I’ve ever had. Where I was now (Security Director, Event Director, Creative Director) and what lead me there. Which career decisions were good. Which were bad. What do I want to change right away? What should I do in the coming months...where did i want to be this time next year. In five years? then it hit me.

How could I figure all that out while still hustling every day? I couldn’t. So I said fuck it and took the summer off. I couldn’t remember taking more than a week or two off working since I got my first real job when I was 15 years old. I’d already been mowing lawns and doing full landscaping work for neighbors etc since 9-10 years old. But I was sick of it. Fuck it right? Take a couple months to surf and get in the gym and work on yourself spiritually and emotional maturity wise. Figure out if leaving your ex-wife was a necessary but hard decision or wether a family therapist could’ve helped make it work.

Then the fear hit me. What will I do with my time? Will I really hit the gym and surf and play volleyball or will I be a lazy fuck and drink beer and hang out with my bros at the bar and shoot pool?

Should I start dating again? It had been three years since my marriage first split. We ended up sort of on and off the first year but finally got divorced when things got complicated. We were lucky though. We had our disagreements and long drawn out emotional text battles but neither her nor I ever really got upset or argued or anything like the horror stories I’ve heard (and seen as a kid) from other marriages ending. My parents divorced when I was about 9-10. I purposely don’t like to remember exact dates or years because I’ve lost quite a few family members (sister when I was 15, dad at 21, all 3 grandparents from 19-23 all kinds of friends and colleagues along the way). That was just something I decided to do. I remember their birthdays but why would I put myself through the annual pain of knowing what exact day they died on or even counting the years, decades? No thanks. I understand some people need that but to me it sounds a bit self sadistic if that’s the right word. I remember them and feel them in my heart every single day and that’s all I need. And with my divorce there’s no way I’d ever say a negative word about my son’s mom in front of him or ever show anything negative towards her. No way. Luckily we co-parent and do our best. It hasn’t been easy but lord knows he's the biggest blessing we will ever get and we will make it work.

That’s one reason I’m writing this book. To explain to you ways that I’ve found to heal myself, to balance my emotions, to counter depression, to curb anxiety, to deal with relationships, to deal with careers, to deal with friends and families and all the ups and downs of this modern and fast american life.

It’s going to be helpful to some of you to read. Some of you might throw it in the trash. Some of you might just find it tolerable. But I have this feeling some of you it just might change your life. Even if it’s only one person that’s enough for me.

Some of you may have been following me on social media so you already know I wear my heart on my sleeve and speak my truth. Even if sometimes it makes me the asshole. I own it at-least. In  real life I’m an amazing friend. (I’ll help you bury the body/take them out for you myself) I’m a fantastic lover. I’m a good son, brother and father. (I was a brief but good husband as well) regret** with that said. I make a great great friend...

But i make a TERRIBLE enemy. It even says so in my astrology chart thing. (It’s posted on my FB)

Anyways back to this summer. I was scared to tell people I was taking time off. Am I retiring? My net worth has never floated much higher than $100k liquid assets at any point in my life. I’ve always lived an alternative lifestyle in every sense. I’ve never felt the need for the white picket fence or to keep up with the Joneses. 

Were people going to laugh at me for blowing through savings? Was my family going to worry about me? Would any woman want to date me? A nearly 40 year old single dad with no full time job, no home ownership, no major career accomplishments (some but not compared to my dreams of what I thought I would do by now) you get the idea.

But why am I taking the summer off anyways? FOR MYSELF. Because we are taught to be the best we can be. The best soccer player on the team. The smartest kid in the class. The hardest working employee. Blah blah blah. What does that get us? We work ourselves into the ground then we die. When do we get to reap the rewards that actually make us feel whole and worthy and content? Not the temporary trophies. But the actual shining bright as a star moments? I don’t mean that literally. I’m not talking about fame. I’m talking about feeling and knowing your worth. Well I have a little secret for you. You can get that feeling by stepping outside, taking some deep breaths, forgetting the bullshit and stress in your head and sitting down on the earth and feeling it’s pulse. That might sound hippy. But aren’t most hippies you meet usually pretty damn happy??? Yup. 

So when is it your turn? When do you get to feel that hippy like happiness? 

When do we get to stop for a moment and really decide who we are, what we are, why we are like that, and what truly makes us happy? Or atleast content. Because fuck the word happy. That’s some loaded word full of bullshit. Yes you can “BE” happy. But nobody is happy all the time. It’s not humanly possible. And we shouldn’t put the pressure on people to be “happy”. In fact in my opinion people should be allowed to be sad. And not just listen to Lana Del Rey and drink wine and smoke cigarettes thinking about ex’s sad. I’m talking they should be able to ball their eyes out sometimes and take a day off or a week off or a fucking MONTH OFF to self care and heal from all the trauma and depressing shit we all experience at different points in our lives. 

Or in my case just take the whole fucking summer off. 

Fuck it right?

Well guess what? It worked. I’m not saying my dreams came true or any bullshit like that. Or that I found god or had some epiphany. But I had time to just be. Just to be myself and feel out all the things that brought me to where I am. And I’m dead ass serious that not only should we be given “self care/mental health” days off work, college or whatever but every person who is entering their mid-life years should be given a summer off. Or a winter off. Or a few months off at any point to figure their shit out. Why??

Think about how many marriages it would save.

Think about how many families it would save.

Think about how many children it would save.

Think about how many lives it would save.

Now I’m not talking “lives” like there’s some plethora of middle aged men who jump off buildings. (Not sure the statistics and don’t want to know) but it might save even some of those. 

I’m talking about saving their lives in the sense that it may help them stop drinking or doing drugs to mask other feelings. Or help them reconnect with friends and family. Or help them figure out their regrets and make changes in their lives before it’s too late or before they just regret it even more. It might have saved my marriage. I had been working 60 hours a week AT NIGHT and watching my baby son during the day a lot so my wife could work on her companies. Think 3-4 hours sleep per night for a year or so in a row. I remember one week when she was a part time private jet flight attendant she booked a 6 night trip. ($500 per day) we needed the money. Our son was 14 months. She pumped her breast milk put it in the fridge and wished me good luck. I was running the door and security team at a crazy bar in Hollywood. I worked all 6 of the nights. The first night the babysitter showed up at 6pm. I had chased a toddler around my house (that I built her with my bare hands) all day in sweltering summer in Topanga Canyon. She was going to give him bottles and put him down. Easy for her. I went to a bar checked 500 IDs and broke up fights and still somehow maintained a smile. Got home 4am. Babysitter leaves. I lay down and wash my face with baby wipes. Too tired to brush my teeth. I get in my boxers. Crawl in bed next to my precious beautiful peacefully sleeping prince. My world. My first born son. He smells me and wakes up. I give him a bottle and pray we can both fall back asleep. He does. Finally. 5am. Birds start chirping. Son is peaking through the dark. I’m almost asleep FINALLY. He wakes up. It’s over. I didn’t sleep. Next day. Same thing. I get through the day chasing him around and feeding him. Dirty diapers. No naps. Not for me. While he slept I was trying to get anything done I could. No time to eat barely. 6pm. Babysitter shows up. Insane night at the bar. Get home 4am. Same thing. But this time I fall asleep! (FOR 15 FUCKING MINUTES. You know you slept but you don’t feel it. You just know the lights went out then flipped back on again. 

Next night. 30 minutes. Next night an hour. Next night an hour and a half. Next night 3 hours. The final night I got almost 4 hours. It easy crazy how good that 4 hours felt on the last night but even then it wasn’t close to enough of what I needed. 

I told Heather I got 8 hours of sleep the entire week. One of us had to quit. She had no sympathy. She’s an amazing woman. So beautiful. So talented. So hard working. Incredible mother. Loyal friend. Amazing Daughter. 

She’s so hard working. Nobody I’ve ever known works as much as she does. Not even me. And I fucking bust my ass at anything I’m doing. 

That mentality doesn’t give much empathy. It’s the type that says “I’m working just as much and just because your work is different mine is just as hard.” And l tried to understand that. But it just wasn’t true. Flying around on private jets and staying at 4 star hotels and having everything paid for is not the same as working at an insane nightclub and risking your life nightly to save the lives of random strangers who usually never even thank you. Nope. Not the same at all. Be nice to your bouncers and security guards y’all. It’s a thankless job and they’re way underpaid.

So she felt she was doing more than me since she was making more money than me and of course I felt emasculated and depressed even though I was doing my best. So we hit a wall. She wished I was making more money. I did too. I had made much more at other positions and gigs and when my studio gallery Pollock Studios was crushing I did great. But this was a transition. A test. Could we make it work by feeling each other’s pain and become partners abd team mates in this epic battle we call daily life?

She didn’t realize my hair had fallen out. If she did she didn’t seem to care. My beard even fell out in patches. I was burnt the fuck out. Honestly don’t know how I made it through that week. 

One night a few months later I walked in the house from working. Into my home. I built us. Her little dream Bohemian chic starter home. It was majestic. Look it up. Not our final goal home. But for now it was a blessing.

Not to her though. She came at me about my work. I was exhausted. She mentioned something about “other husbands she knew making more money than me” and I flipped. I looked at her dead in the eye and said “this isn’t good enough for you right now?” And she looked back and me and said nothing. 

I’d never felt so crushed in my life. I had literally built the kitchen floor she was standing on. With my blood sweat and tears. The floor was mine. The wood boards were carried by me from the lumber store to my truck to the house building site. It was my wood. My floor. My home. I don’t know how to explain the nostalgia of building your home and living there with your family. At the time to me it was the best I could do. And it was magical enough to get us onto the HGTV show tiny house hunters. 

When she stood there and looked at me like I was not good enough, it broke my heart. Right there. That moment I was instantly done. I knew that very minute my marriage was over. I grabbed a backpack. Threw some clothes in it and walked out the door. I went back to my apartment that very night. My dumpy little box in the middle of the hood in Hollywood. I was still on the lease. Abandoned paradise. Abandoned my family. 

I slept on the floor for the next two weeks of my dumpy apartment in Hollywood.. It was over. My marriage was over. 

I filed for Divorce. 

I didn’t finish the filing. It was a bunch of bullshit forms and I didn’t have the time or energy.  

I didn’t feel appreciated. I didn’t feel worthy. I didn’t feel loved. 

(I don’t blame her, we just weren’t in the same place in our hearts)

A few weeks later HGTV emailed heather. They had seen her Instagram and wanted to put us on tiny house hunters. 

“So?” I said. “Who cares.” (That wasn’t like me. I’d wanted to do a cool tv show for years. Had been on some but not featured like that. But I was mad, angry, depressed, let down) “ Well if you came back now and we talked and saw a counselor maybe we can work it out” she said. 

Ok. Fine. For my son I’ll do that. 

I moved back in. We did the show. Things were ok for a while then it was really over. 

She ended up filing the second time and I went along with it. (Didn’t have to pay the filing fees ;-) jk. 

We both had a lot of pain. We both said things we regretted. We did have one break through night about a year after she filed where we both broke down and cried together. I was a great husband. I was an average divorcée. I’m an amazing coparent and am doing my best. That’s all I can do. 

Luckily we are both strong people. 

We both self care. Self heal. 

She had it way harder than me though. This was her first time. Her first rodeo. She never had her heart broken before. I couldn’t believe it. How could she have never fallen like that? Never been head over heels. Never been broken up with before?? Never dumped? Never crushed for 6 months? Nope. Never. Not once. 37 years old. 

I had my heart broken many many times by that point. I’d bought 2 engagement rings and had tattoos all over my body literally wearing my heart on my sleeves. This isn’t coming from my ego but I was emotionally mature or scarred. Whatever you want to call it. I knew what to do. Don’t go get drunk. No drugs. No sex binges or hyper dating or anything hyper or hypo. No mania. Don’t let yourself freak out. You can process and cry when needed without going to dark or “crazy” places. 

And I did. And that’s part of why I’m writing this book. Just giving tips and ideas and even questions to work through on how to avoid going to unhealthy places during times of high stress and depression and or during the mid-life “shift” or as you know I prefer to call it. A “midlife evolution”. 

She made it though too. Thank god. She’s a great mama. She has amazing friends and found good support groups and new ways of healing and expanding herself and her life. Beautiful. She is happy and healthy and I’m so lucky we never went to a fraction of the dark places some divorced couples go to. We’re practically still friends. It’s a blessing. I’m lucky. I’m regretful of anything I ever did or said that hurt her. 

But we all know I was fucking crushed too. 

I was just used to it by then. 

But what did I do?  And where my “men’s circles”? And where were my long conversations with buddies about similar experiences of pain and loss and dissolution? They don’t exist. That’s why I’m
Writing this book. Now I’m not saying there’s nothing for men. Luckily for me I had a place literally called “the love shack”. If you know venice you know the place. Those guys are my brothers. And now there’s multiple other businesses there including a community center that has lots of support and healing for men. But that place is a diamond in the rough. It’s not like anywhere else in America. What if there were places like that in every section of every city? What if men didn’t suffer alone in so many different types of pain and sorrow at throughout so many stages of their lives? 

What if marriage counseling was something that was provided through our social responsibility programs? What if it was necessary to check in with a helpful and trusted third party once a month? How many marriages would it save? How many would it help evolve? Or even help
Finally end a insufferable miserable marriage? What if everybody that is in a marriage got to check in once a month with a third-party person they chose and respected and that person or group helped support their marriage and work out the kinks hands on? Think about how many marriages would be so much happier and so much more functional and healthy. 

What if there was no shame involved and no stigma? Like if it was as normal as going to the dentist? 

Oh that’s the other thing what if we could afford it? Or what if out if the trillions we spend on war every year a small fraction of a percentage could be spent on the war of marriage? Or preventing that war? 

Because what happens when we find out that it costs $100 per session to sit down with someone how many of us want to spend that money? How many of us can afford to Spend that money? Especially if we are self-made entrepreneur is carving our earnings out of thin air and working and less hours 24/7. 

I’ll tell you right now if my marriage counselors (we went to 2-3 different ones) had been more affordable or provided through healthcare I would’ve kept going. But how many marriages end in divorce from financial issues anyways? I’ve heard the majority. So there you have it. The problem and the solution all in once sentence. 

Marriages in financial stress need help and help costs more money they don’t have. 

There’s a part of me that thinks my marriage would’ve made it if we had a third-party that we both trusted and we had been working with them consistently because we did do counseling for a certain amount of time but we never kept going. We had it for the main issue of the power dynamic of and control of our lives and companies. We might’ve been able to each focus our time and energy on the more important things rather than being constantly worried about who got to decide what. And who’s company was getting the focus and what was going into that company with what money was being invested into which companies. Sounds complicated? It was. So I ended up just giving up. 

So what if each area we all live has actual facilities for people not just men for men’s groups but counselors available for all types of situations as well as peer to peer groups as well as gathering places for people other than just people in recovery. We all know there are AA and NA meetings in every city in the country if not in the world but what about the people who are alcoholics? Where do we go when we need some kind of support? How much do drug and alcohol rehabs cost? What about people that need help that can’t afford them? Why in the richest country in the history of the world is the common response “figure it out” or “get a better job” rather than “we are in this together and there’s enough to go around and we can collectively figure this out”? 

There are some people like that. But there’s not enough. Not enough ways for men to find help or be offered it. Not enough ways for men to find peace. Not enough ways for men to find love. 

Where do they go instead? Since they have no healthy options? To
The bar. To the liquor store. To the weed shop. To the drug dealer. To the escort. To the grave. 

Let’s reverse that pattern. Please? Can we shift our society just a little bit? Just enough to give more people a fighting chance? 

A chance to evolve. A chance to avoid falling into the normal stereotype of despair. A chance to avoid a midlife crisis.

So when I talk about the mid-life crisis what am I talking about? 

I’m talking about All the shit we go through in life and how we choose to process it and deal with the pain and trauma and grow from it and evolve. And how many times men regret many things and get to a point around midlife and just snap. Or act out. Or change rapidly. Or any of the other reactions that come with not being prepared physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. 

I’m talking about instead of our society and culture mocking the mid-life crisis and everyone silently suffering through it alone why don’t we flip the script and prepare for it and give ourselves a fucking well deserved pat on the back and some time off and a bucket list that has already been filled and a new one for the second half. A checklist of things that deserve to be recognized or achieved and a foundation to have for the second half of our life to be a solid and successful (not just monetarily) evolution.

We made it HALF WAY. That’s huge. We lost enough friends and family along the way. We went to enough weddings and funerals and graduations. We made it this far. Time to stop feeling like we aren’t good enough. Time to stop comparing our lives to anybody else’s. Time to change all that. Time to take the weight off our shoulders. The bullshit burden of a creating perfect life. Time to take all That off our chest. We’re all hurt sometimes. We’re all dead inside sometimes. We’re all bored and pissed off and angry all at the same time sometimes. 

Let’s figure out ways to make our lives better by giving ourselves time to heal. Through all walks of life. At all different ages. 

Instead of succumbing to the rat race and the pressure of midlife crisis, why not create a plan of action and do things that create the Reverse Mid-Life Crisis?

Why not prevail? 

Why not say fuck it? TAKE THE SUMMER OFF. But say fuck it in the GOOD way. Not the go out and get drunk way. But the opposite. The figure out what makes you healthy and happy and joyous and fulfilled and proud and content and do things that way.

Welcome to your guide to the Reverse Mid-Life Crisis gentleman. Take what helps you or serves you or inspires you and leave the rest. 

This is your guide. And it’s my advice and cathartic journey. Win win.

And if it helps you then pass it on. Buy a copy for your buddy and give it to him right away. Maybe it will save them some of the pain of the mistakes we have all made. 


Chapter 1. Your body is your temple.

Your body is your temple.

Let me repeat that even if you think it sounds cheesy.


Chapter 1 pre summary:

It’s the only one you get. Atleast in this lifetime. So treat it well. With that said I believe in moderation and experience trumps education every time in my opinion so be sure to test it out. You don’t have to treat it like a Ferrari or anything. Just treat it like a nice truck or whatever. Just don’t treat it like the rental car or that car you borrowed from your step parent that you don’t like and you wish it would blow up on your drive home.

It’s your temple because it’s where you live. Where you eat. Where you love. And hopefully where you pray. Don't shit where you eat fellas. I’m not going to go into talking about god or goddess or anything like that. But prayer is not just for religious people. Mantras, affirmations, positive thoughts, it’s all the same shit. It’s just you’re not imagining some white republican guy in the sky hearing your thoughts and prayers like those crazy people do. Just playing. I don’t find it crazy to believe in a higher power at all. I just find it crazy that people would think that higher power could be a man when men simply cannot exist without a woman to birth them and furthermore every “man” is just a mutation of a female embryo first. That’s right guys your dick? Just an enlarged clit. Your ball sack? Just the vulva and yep. Those balls? Just would’ve been ovaries if you hadn’t mutated into the knuckle dragging beast that you are.

For real though. Let’s think about how deep that really is. Our body was once female. That means we are half female in a way. That means we have some innate connection with our “feminine side” uh oh. Did that trigger you? Are you scared to feel any less masculine or macho then you currently do? Do you think it would make you less of a man if you wanted a woman to dominate you once and a while instead of you always having to be the one in control and dominating in the bedroom?

Our bodies are infinite. They’re changing daily. Yearly. They adapt. They “evolve”.

Why not experience them to their fullest? And most importantly gain a deep and layered understanding of how they work and how they don’t work...what is best for our own? Let’s collectively figure that out. 

With that said believe in whatever the fuck you want so long as you don’t force it on anyone else (including your children), condemn anyone for not believing that or in way bring negativity to the world with your beliefs. 

I’m lucky that I have an athletic body and build and some pretty solid genes. Thanks pops. But does that mean I’ve always had perfect self esteem? Hell no. Before I spent my 21st year of life drinking gallons of beer every night with Ryan Lake in the 916 I hadn’t ever had enough extra calories to put on any extra weight or to “fill out finally” as one of my best friends/brother Django put it. I was way too skinny from 13-19/21. I was completely self conscious about my weight. I hated to take my shirt off sometimes. Just like a girl/woman who hadn’t filled out her chest like she had wanted or had seen her friends do. It’s crushing. Lucky for them augmentation came around and even though I’ve never promoted breast implants or anything like that I’ve always promoted anyone doing anything to their body (within reason) that makes them feel more like themself or confident or secure or happy. Whatever it is. LGBTQ I’m all for it. Whatever floats your boat yo. Whoever the guy is that is able to help men fix their anatomy if they’re under average will be a saint and hopefully that happens someday. God knows it’s not their fault and only other men know how evil it is when women make fun of them for being below average. At that time of my life I had no idea how to eat properly. I had no idea what type of exercise would help me develop my physique. I had no ambition to figure it out and honestly I was just depressed. You see my older sister Amber died when I was 15 and she was 23 (I think). She was my hero in many ways at the time and so much of my style and way of life comes from her even to this day. She was cool. I’ll talk more about her later and how her death at that age for me set me on a very different path. As well as helped me believe in afterlife or “everlife” as I prefer to call it as I’ve felt her spirit many times in many ways long after she “passed on”.

Speaking of Amber she left me three bookshelves full of books and somehow from 15-23 I read all of them. Literally a few hundred atleast and probably why I fell in love with writing. (Wrote my first novel at 16/17, some feature film screenplays etc) studied every type of writing I could in college and minored in photo journalism.

Probably why I’m writing this book you are reading now and hopefully someone is reading it. Thanks Amber I know in my heart you’ve been with me and you’re proud of me. 

Anyways back to our bodies and how we deal with them:

We all want to be bigger and stronger and more fit until we hit 30 then all the sudden it reverses and we’re trying to stay thinner and strong still but figure out how to be mentally ok with the rest. The rest? Yeah aging! Getting old! Or older. Feeling the pressure of mid-life creeping in one day at a time. Hair thinning out or receding. Belly popping out of nowhere. Wrinkles. Sun damage. Yep men finally figure out who they are or atleast how to be a man and then they start to get old and fat. But we can fix it. We just have to willingly do it. It takes work. 

There’s some bullshit urban myth that men peak sexually very young. Trust me, it’s 100% bullshit. I’ve known many men with healthy sex lives in their 60’s not only having sex regularly but even producing children (though I recommend giving up the new dad thing by 50) to each their own and I’ve even personally known men still having sex in their 90’s. Yep. No joke. My great aunt had a full blown “boyfriend” who was 95 when she was 90-94 in their retirement home and yes they were smashing. Crazy but it’s true. And relatively common. He was driving her on dates still. Lord knows I couldn’t imagine myself doing that but who knows. I’m not opposed to it. I thought if my sister died at 23 I’d never live to 18. Then when I turned 18 I thought “no way I’ll make it to 23”. But by 23 I was a completely different person. See at 17 everything changed. At 16 really because I took my GED and graduated high school early at 16 then I moved out on my own to Tahoe/Truckee and lived with older guys and worked at a ski resort and snowboarded my depression away. I was living the life of an adult at 16 and my friends were blown the fuck away. They were still stuck in high school living with their parents and I was out on my own working, went to college and partying with women in their 20’s. It was epic. After that first year of freedom I realized a need for something. To work for myself. Fuck minimum wage. Fuck selling drugs. Our hometown had one little semi-skateboard shop called Freeflight but it was more wind surfing and all kinds of other stuff. No core shop. So I took a business class at 16 and started writing my first business plan and conceptualizing my first brand. Why work for anyone else when I could work for myself. I could sell skateboards. So I did it. It set me on path for then next 25 years I couldn’t have ever imagined.

I wasn’t even 18 when I formed the business so I talked my older brother Lee and his best friend Adam (our god brother) into partnering up with me. At first they thought I was crazy and too unrealistic (but adam had ran the boreal snowboard shop) so he agreed if we could also sell snowboards he was in. And just like that we launched GoodTimes Board Store in Nevada City California in the spring of 1997. It’s still open and thriving today though we all moved on after years of running it respectively. Sam and Gus refined and perfected it to my proud liking. So stoked for them. Great job Guys. 

Back to being 17, a business owner and one more important thing. The thing I was getting to about that radical change in me at 15 when my sister died. See i already been smoking weed semi-regularly since 13. And don’t tell my mom this but the first time I smoked weed and tobacco I was EIGHT YEARS OLD. 8 you say? Yep. That’s what happens when you have 4 older siblings and 4 god brothers. You see and watch them from below and you learn from their behavior and habits. The good and the bad. So I was a stoner. No big deal really right? Well when my sister died that changed.

I can’t remember how many times per day I started smoking weed after my sisters death but I’m sure if I could get enough of it it would range from 5 minimum to 50. I used weed to self medicate through that trauma and the 7 stages of grief it caused over the next year or two. I was addicted to weed. And although over my life I’ve experienced just about every drug (other than meth or crack) I’ve absolutely never been addicted to anything other than weed.

See I’m a bit of a perfectionist. So I would never allow myself to be addicted to anything. Not even tobacco though I do partake in moderation.

But honestly how else would I have dealt with it? I remember getting drunk at a party with my close circle of friends (I was always the one who just smoked weed or drank a few beers or dabbled with a mushroom cap instead of going full on) because I was always the security guard/dad/big brother even at that age I would stay up til everyone passed out and make sure the bonfire was out and nobody drove off drunk etc. little did I know I’d end up a bouncer and security guard then private security guard and body guard then security director 15-20 years later.

I even got so stupid one time when I was drunk and high that I faked that I cut myself. I was 15 and was dating Sara H. I liked her but she liked me more and I was honestly just such a stoner that I was in a fog every day all day. I don’t know how I was able to still function did school and graduate early but somehow I did. Anyways Sara and I were supposed to lose our virginity together that night. But I wasn’t feeling it. I liked her more as a friend. Her and my close group had been there for me like sisters after my sister had died so we just seemed more like family. Also she was kind of drunk and I wasn’t really a big fan of alcohol. My older brothers were all alcoholics and addicts already at that point and I didn’t like to see people sloppy and knew the danger of crashing cars and all that. Anyways Sara and I almost had sex but I dipped out. Wasn’t feeling it. Then a couple hours later I walked in on her and her older brothers friend about to have sex. I was shocked. A little hurt for sure but more just pissed off at him. I wasn’t bummed out because I knew she wanted to lose her virginity that night and was ready and so I didn’t blame her for wanting to fuck. We all wanted to do that. I reacted and ran outside. Then all the party found out. They were all wasted and I was pissed off and I hated drunk people because they acted so differently so I wanted to fuck with them. So I went down the street to a cliff area dead china men’s and honestly there’s probably part of me that thought about jumping off. I think all people consider suicide at some points in their lives. But I wanted to just shock my annoyingly drunk friends and I guess get the guy back and maybe Sara too for ruining my chance of losing my virginity finally that night even though I had a massive secret crush on Cassandra who I dreamed about. So I went back to the house and got some red paint and poured it on my wrist and made it look like I cut myself. Not a bad cut. Just a stupid 15 year old reaching out for attention cut. But I hadn’t even cut myself. I had just wanted the reaction like I had. And they were all drunk so they believed it. So then the joke was on me because they called my parents. Now it was real. Now I had done it. I’d changed the entire course of my youth from a drunken almost first time of sex night to a “hes got mental health issues” night. Did I have depression? Yes. Was I self medicating with weed and alcohol and whatever else? Yes. Was I suicidal? No. But it was too late. My parents knew. What a selfish idiot. Now people were worried about me but I didn’t want them to. Now my friends were worried but I didn’t want them to be. What an idiot I thought. Now I had to go to a doctor. They wrote me a prescription for anti-depressants (which I didn’t take) and now I had to forever live with the stigma in a small town of being that guy who had either wanted to commit suicide, who had been to much of a chicken, who had just made a cut to reach out for attention or to what only I knew had faked the whole thing as a joke but now was living with the reality. And that reality sucked. But I knew it would blow over. So I rode out the rest of the summer. And it did. By fall I hooked up with a 21 year old wild and beautiful hippy chic who swiped my V card and had realized that I wasn’t as depressed as I thought and that seeing my friends and family really worry about me made me want to be stronger and happier for them and in turn for myself. It was a dumb young kid thing and it was honestly one of the worst and best things to ever happen to me. Much much worse happened to many friends and community members at the time. Other youth really did commit suicide. Other youth over dosed. Other youth got in drunk driving accidents killing themselves and or their friends in the car. Those few years from 15-17 can be total chaos. Even for the kids who are on the straight and narrow the chaos of just their bodies and puberty and high school politics and popularity and all that bullshit is so tough. That’s why we need to do better. We don’t just need “guidance counselors” we need peer help. We need groups of people other than just their close group of friends that can talk to kids and tell them ITS OK IF THEY ARE DEPRESSED. ITS OK IF THEY ARE STRESSED OUT. ITS OK IF THEY’RE ANGRY OR ANGSTY OR APATHETIC. AND WE NEED TO GIVE THEM A BREAK. LITERALLY. The purpose of this book is to help people realize that life is hard and we DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE TIME, SPACE, MEDICINE, HERBS, Even weed and a glass of beer or wine to HEAL.

Luckily and thankfully for me I found the natural AyurVedic herbs called holy basil used by yogis for thousands of years at balancing emotional psychological and spiritual beings I guess it has a similar effect as some CBD or marijuana but without any psycho tropic or a head change and it’s been an amazing anti-stress and anti-anxiety remedy for me for the last seven years now. Thank god.

I also practiced spiritual yoga at early age over 20 years ago and was lucky to be surrounded by community that practices holistic medicine as well as physical and spiritual practices not often found in normal American suburban areas. Nevada county is a magical place filled with amazing people and you all know who you are and that I love you. 

I highly recommend everyone experience yoga. Not just one class. Try multiple different venues in order to get different vibes. I know it’s not a macho thing to do but I’m here to change that stigma. It helps you feel connected to your BODY. Try it. 

I’m here to help men realize that we too need to feel good in our bodies. We need to have time and energy to heal like women get to. Women go to the spa. Women go to the day spa. Women go to the nail spa. Women go to the hair spa. 

What do men do? They work. And they work more. Then they have two days off to try to see their kids then it’s back to work. Or they blow off steam at the bar. 

Now we all know not all women are trophy wives and spend the day at the spa. (Manhattan beach wives) Some women work full time and never take a day off in their life. That’s unfortunate. We all deserve time to heal and time off for hobbies and things that make us happy. So treat your women! Buy your mom a day at the spa gift card. Or your grandma. Or wife. Or sister or daughter or auntie. You get it. 

But even more importantly. BUY YOURSELF A MASSAGE TOO.

Things that make us feel right and whole and alive in our bodies make us feel happy. When our body is happy our mind is happy. When our mind is happy our heart is happy. When our heart is happy our soul is happy. And that my friends is called Zen. 

Take a day off! Go to a fucking day spa. Seriously. You deserve it. 

Otherwise what happens? We get stressed, tired, angry, resentful. 

Then what? We react and act out and “misbehave” or get drunk and do stupid shit. As boys and even as men. How can you blame us? We don’t ever get to feel accomplished and to relax and heal.  

We wind up losing jobs or in jail or even prison. Or as young bucks we wind up in detention. 

Recently some schools have replaced detention and some PE classes with yoga and meditation and is showing outstanding results to children especially children who are being reactive do likely to Traumatic situations at their home and personal life.

I fully support having yoga and meditation in school from the age of kindergarten on up as it’s a magical practice of connecting your body mind spirit and heart all in a matter of a few minutes.

Yoga was absolutely banned the highest forms of government and the highest form of Hindu leaders for hundreds of years from ever being shown to Western society.

Thankfully Yogananda and a few other rebel yes people brought yoga to the west and it is easy to say that it has absolutely changed our society from the inside out and will continue to do so alongside other eastern medicine and holistic practices and self-healing.

I think we should give 13-18 year olds one day off school and work/sports/activities per MONTH for them to have a self care day. Whatever it THEY CHOOSE so long as it’s safe and healthy they get to go and do it that day. Wether it’s going for a hike or a swim or fishing or riding bikes or taking a drive or going to hot springs or a day spa or yoga or the gym or skateboarding, snowboarding or surfing or taking an art class or god damn it letting them play video games all day with no pressure to do anything else that to FEEL OK. AND TO FEEL LIKE THEY'RE TRYING HARD and will try harder each day to take care of themselves and be a loving person.

I just recently read an article that some schools are replacing detention with mediation and are seeing incredible results and that some of the trouble students are ending up as role models for other students after simply find ways to relax their mind, body and emotions. 

That’s the thing though. Time is fleeting and it never seems like we have enough. We’re always running from home to school to practice to work to home to sleep if we are lucky and do it all over again. But really what’s the fucking rush? How come in Spain the entire society shuts down in the afternoon and chills out after a mean lunch and kicks back? Why can’t we do that? I bet a lot of babies are made during those Spanish siestas. That’s because a lot of love is being made. And self love too. 

There’s a bullshit cliche saying “you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself” yeah? Really? That’s bullshit. Everyone deserves love. And just because they might not be capable of marriage or a perfect relationship at the time that doesn’t mean they can’t give some love to someone else. NOBODY IS PERFECT. EVER. So let them live and love someone else as well as they can until they’re capable of fully loving themselves. Because let’s all admit, truly loving ourselves is the ultimate challenge. It’s the ultimate task to evolve to that point where you truly accept yourself and everything you’ve done and everything you HAVE YET to do and find that inner peace within yourself. And is it our fault it we don’t? When are we supposed to find it? How are we allowed the time?? We aren’t.

That’s why I had to take this whole summer off. To figure all this out. And to truly and finally find myself and accept myself and realize what’s most important to me. My friends and my family. And my love and activism for my community and the world.

Now back to those bodies. Those teenage bodies that can take a beating and keep on ticking. I used to be an athlete. I still am and always will be but I mean a real athlete. I did it all. Soccer was my life. But track and field, baseball, basketball, skiing, snowboarding, skateboarding, Bmx, mountain biking, rock climbing, swimming, you name it! If it got my heart pumping i was doing it and likely at a highly competitive level.

Athletes need exercise like drug addicts need drugs.

In fact endorphins (the natural drug like hormone released into your brain after strenuous physical exercise) Mimics if not is eerily similar to heroin/morphine/opioids etc but also has an uplifting feeling instead of just the body high.

So how many boys have been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or OCD or any of that nowadays?? And put on prescription drugs that can cause a heart attack? When those diagnosis didn’t exist a generation ago? Well I can tell you the majority of those boys are athletes or should be outside running until they nearly collapse or throw up and fishing and hunting and working their bodies and playing sports and playing anything instead of locked in a frigid and sterile classroom looking out the window at the beautiful blue sky longing like a man in prison to break down the door and escape. That’s what school is like for many of us. Especially those of us who are more physical and less cerebral. Of course there’s the boys who want to do science experiments or math stuff and sit around in doors all day. But most of us are not only addicted to physical exercise but without it we will not only go crazy but we will die.

I’ve seen it and experienced it firsthand. From the days back in elementary school when we would literally count down the seconds on the clock then BURST out the door for recess before our legs and hearts exploded with being stuck in that classroom/jail cell all day. I would literally fantasize in class about getting out to the playground and feeling the sun on my face and fresh air in my lungs instead of that recycled air conditioning crap in the halls and classrooms. The sound of the birds. The clouds in the sky. We force children indoors and we deprive them of nature and the nurturing and healing of real life experiences. 

Why are these kids shooting up their schools? Maybe the schools are driving them insane?

Only a generation or two ago most working class and middle class children also helped their family on the farm or in the fields or cutting firewood or working on real, tangible and visceral things. Now they’re stuck in artificial classrooms with nothing but computers and digital bullshit to focus on. Nothing is inspiring them to feel good in their bodies. Everything is about the way people look and act and dress instead of WHAT THEY DO.  Children used to go hunting and fishing after school. In fact I did it nearly 3-4 days a week. I loved it. No stress. No thinking. Just exploring miles of creeks and rivers and lakes and ponds with my best friends on our bikes catching fish and finding nature. Connecting with nature and our bodies. Forgetting about the school Day. Forgetting about the cliques and drama and popularity bullshit. Forgetting about the media. It was honestly the best days of my life. It’s lacking now. Not for all. But for many. Way too many. 

I was never a Boy Scout but I did cub scouts for a few weeks. It wasn’t my thing. I was more like a wild Indian. Really though. I even had the Mohawk by age 15. I respect the concept of Boy Scouts though. I respect what they do and how they get boys outside and learning and connecting with the natural world. Survival skills. Weapons. These are things boys need to do. Girls too if they want. And some definitely do. But boys it’s different. Girls don’t snap and grab a machine gun and shoot up their schools. Boys do. 

Why? I can’t tell you for sure but I have a deep gut wrenching feeling it has to do with our natural and biological heritage and need to hunt, fish, hike, climb trees, explore and experience new things HANDS ON.  

And one week away at some structured sissy summer camp is NOT ENOUGH. 

I’m saying there’s something massive wrong with our society and in my opinion it’s because we are disconnecting more and more from NATURE.

Not just trees and fields and shit. I’m talking nature. Like the natural process of life. And that includes death. Life two generations ago (the greatest generation) was much different. It was totally common and normal to have chickens in your yard. And to eat the eggs and slaughter the chickens when too many grew older. And normal to trade your eggs to your neighbor for some milk. And normal for your neighbor to slaughter a cow now and again and for kids to see and understand the process and to have a grasp on the natural world. The natural cycle of life. The food chain. 

Every year we become more and more disconnected from farms, agriculture, wildlife, and organic human behavior. And every year we become more digital. More boxed in with cities and suburbia. More caged in. We’ve built our own zoos and caged ourselves in and computers and AI are watching us. For real. There’s AI right now processing daily CCTV of major cities. We’re building our own futuristic horror movie. Just like 1984. Just like Fahrenheit 451. Just like all of them. I’m tell you schools are not going to be any safer no matter what we do until change the entire programming and philosophy and structure of what takes place in them. 

I’m a HUGE supporter of education and higher education but for the purpose of this book I’m going to refer to school and school/jail for all too many of know about the classroom to prison pipeline and how forced schooling leads young men to rebel early and never get the time and freedom and experience needed for them to bloom and get frustrated and mad and angry and sad and end up in juvenile hall and jail and prison.

Because let’s face it. Men and young men face much more violent challenges from others and even themselves than women do. Yes of course girls and young women experience many of the same things but how many girls do you know that have been in 5-10 fist fights or physical fights by the time they turn 16? Well for me that was normal.

The male species is a naturally violent species. It’s violent for its own survival. Just one to two generations ago and in many parts of the world still today men hunt and gather and fight and survive just like tribal warriors and just like Indians etc. we may have all this technology and we may try to warp ourselves into some ultra modern men but we are really still just apes that can talk walking around fucking and eating and sleeping whenever we can.

Modern society has done us wrong. It’s not our fault. We are not supposed to be stuck in school/jails all day being told what to do. We are supposed to be running around in the sunshine and in the rain and playing in the snow and bashing each other up on the soccer fields and in the rugby games and on the ice hockey teams. Boys need to learn from experience not from books. Young men and college men learn from books. Because they’ve passed puberty and can sit down for more than a few hours at once. But 8-18 year olds need more room and freedom to grow and self care.

(Unless you want them to continue to keep shooting up their schools)

I’m not saying I have the answer to mass shootings. In fact I’m saying the opposite. I’m saying nobody has the answer there is no one single answer and no one boy or young man are ever the same and they all need options to grow and heal and live and feel loved and supported and evolve.

And they need to fuck and fight and play sports. As much as humanly possible.

Why haven’t we had another world war in almost 80

One word: SPORTS.

See the Romans mastered the body. They also created sports. The Olympus run became the Olympics the Marathon well that’s still the marathon.

But bare with me here...I believe that sports is like going to battle. Daily. Think about football. Why do american men love football? Men in tights shoving each other around on a rectangle of green grass with flashy colors and hot cheerleaders.

It’s deeper than that though. Where did it come from? Are those uniforms and helmets and pads almost like uniforms and armor of soldiers? Remember the movies about how wars used to be? They line up in a row facing each other then blow a horn (or whistle) then attack until the other team/army is defeated?

It’s like a battle. Not just football but rugby, hockey, soccer, lacrosse, even basketball etc.

Sports are like battle/war for men and and we need battle! We need sports like Hitler needed war! It’s that drastic and it’s something many women/females don’t understand.

Our innate biology is so different it’s like we are different species. Now that’s not to say there aren’t incredible women athletes and now with gender fluid and all that which I 100% support I’m just saying boys and girls are different. And some boys like to be more chill and do more feminine stuff and even masculine guys like me love to as well. Shit I’ll take a pedicure and hang out and do girl stuff any day. But once you become a parent of a boy (or girl) and you’re around them enough to recognize the patterns you’ll realize that stereotypes exist for a reason and girls and boys act very differently and have very different needs. It’s the way it’s always been and the way it always will be. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be able to crossover and do whatever they like and need but just saying. It’s biological not mental.

I remember the first girl that joined our little league fast pitch baseball team. I’m sure she had played softball and been like “this is weak”. Her name was January and this was 1992. Gay people were still completely closeted, the words out and lgbtq did not exist. None of it was really openly talked about. Of course there were known figures like Elton John and a handful of others but the idea of the media or anyone being openly transgender or TS or any of that that Rupaul and Ellen Degeneres eventually changed didn’t exist. Now I’m not assuming January ended up a lesbian but at the time we were all pretty sure she was. She was taller, more muscular, stronger and built better than me and most the guys on my team. The Pirates. And she was amazing. She was so good at baseball I think she made the all star team. And this was baseball. Not just the only girl on the team. SHE WAS THE ONLY GIRL IN THE LEAGUE.

Basically she was a 12 year old female super hero. In real life.

At the time I had no idea how revolutionary she was. I was fucking 12. I didn’t know anything. You learn a hell of a lot from 13-16. But until then you’re still just a kid. 16? You’re still a kid but in World War Two they were young men and heroes being sent off to war. At 12? That wouldn’t really work. Big difference.

Anyway,  the story of January the Allstar baseball playing girl was an anomaly. At the time the WNBA and women’s World Cup soccer team didn’t exist. They only dreamed of it. And thank god now they’ve proven women are equal to men. Not just in sports but in all walks of life. Gay and lgbtq too. 💪🏽🏳️‍🌈

***Much of what I've done in my career has been to promote women and their final push to rise to equality, freedom, and evolution. Everything. From photographing them with an intent to showcase their natural beauty in a body positive, diverse ethnic heritage, and overall comfortable and empowering setting. To founding the non-profit Salt and Pepper spray to provide free pepper spray to women and LGBT. To working in Security in night clubs and bars defending women from abusive boyfriends, partners and the public. I have nothing but respect for those standing up and speaking out with #metoo and when I transition into public service life at some point in the next ten years I plan to have a strong agenda to raise punishment for sexual-harassment, sexual assault and any form of abuse and oppression across-the-board towards women, children and LGBT. There is a missing link in modern society and the rise of women to the top and to break all glass ceilings and to allow them complete and total freedom will create that and rip and fix that missing link. Please do not put men down in the process of lifting women up. We are all in this together, we are all allies, we are all one people.

Back to boys needing exercise and how sports to men can replace the need for war.

And more importantly how mass shootings (IMO) are a direct result of the lack of chaos of war in society and banding of brothers and also as mentioned before a lack of connecting with natural life experiences like a child would growing up on a farm or hunting and fishing etc. 

Think about it: why did our grandparents or you young bucks great grandparents not shoot each other up at a school?? Because they were literally banding together at 15-16 years old and preparing to be shipped off to Europe to fight nazis in hand to hand combat and if not nazis then Japanese kamikaze samurai ninjas.


Instead of sitting in junior high wondering what new video game (about war) was coming out they were sitting there listening to the radio about millions of people being slaughtered and killed on a DAILY BASIS and mentally, physically and spiritually preparing themselves (at 15 years old) to go fight and likely die in that same chaos. They were rightfully scared and what do scared boys and young men do when they’re stuck in that situation? THEY BAND TOGETHER. Like a tribe. They pick out leaders. They figure out who can be medics and who can be snipers and who can keep the team in line (the quarterback) and then they pack their shit and they go to war.

They had just lived through the Great Depression and possibly the First World War and now they were in it again but together for World War Two.

Just to quote/plagiarize one of the best books/movies of our time fight club:

“our generation...we have no Great Depression or some great world war...our great war is a spiritual war. Our Great Depression is our LIVES”.

If you haven’t seen that movie go watch it tonight. It’s not some macho movie about guys fighting. It’s a spiritual movie about modern men trying to figure out how to live and evolve in a watered down, boring and hypocritical society.

So now we have that though. No Great War on the horizon. No Great Depression to survive. We’re stuck in school/jails with nothing to band us together so instead what happens? We push each other a part. We have no war to fight? Well we will make our own. Where will we fight and start the war? In our classrooms/jail cells.

These young men are not all monsters. Some of them
absolutely are. But many of them are lost and confused and have no band of brothers. They have no tribe. They have no meaning or great strife to survive or fight for. They have nothing exciting or righteous at all. They have video games and some extra expensive college to figure out how to get into and nothing else.

This is not in any way some apologist statement about violent young men. This is just a statement about the reality young men are stuck in and how against natural human nature and behavior we have become. Both good and bad. And in reality the bad is what kept the best humans good.

War is horrible. But like the analogy and metaphor of football being like war it’s also completely natural. Being that we are just slightly evolved animals we cannot and will not ever be able to lose our animalistic side and our biological needs for physical, emotional and psychological activation.

As with war so too does the body which is our most precious possession. All is fair in love and war. All is fair in your mind and body. 

At the same time I support Diplomacy over WAR I also support men being able to protect themselves and their families, friends and loved ones from other men with weapons of any kind.

At the same time that I believe the patriarchy needs to evolve i also believe boys need to be boys and men need to be men.

Men need weapons to protect themselves and their loved ones as well as the assets and land and buildings and even cars with the rights to bare arms.

Beto O'Rourke is desperate and going the wrong direction with his gun confiscation ideas. His policy is actually racist. See below:

He’s down to 1% national polls and is saying anything he can to stay “relevant”. Well he’s irrelevant and even his own party members are going to show him that when they denounce his ideas.

I am an independent voter as of 2016 but voted Democratic Party for 16 years (8 election cycles). I never missed a primary or a general. Well I’m no longer a democrat. I feel both parties are completely corrupt and have lost touch with the average american.

(If you’re reading this two or ten or twenty years from now hopefully something has changed on both sides with both parties and hopefully this section isn’t necessary)

I support the second amendment and I have personally defended a strong armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon against me and Benny with an old 20 gauge shotgun against an AR-15 or assault style rifle. The gunman got away but we caught his accomplice and if I hadn’t had my dad’s old shotgun in my closet that night my best friend and I would’ve likely been killed or at the least assaulted and tied up. The attacker’s had ropes and cables and duct tape in one of their bags they abandoned. After my best friend Ben grabbed the other attacked who had come at him with a knife and brass knuckles I had the opportunity to break up the robbery with my shotgun and end the attack. 

I am living proof that a good guy with a gun can save lives and EVERY SINGLE DAY in America something similar happens even hundreds of attacks are stopped daily by responsible gun owners. You just don’t hear about it on cnn because it only gets local news coverage. Without me having that shotgun and pulling it out just in time there’s a good chance my best friend and I may have been killed that night. NOTHING ELSE WOULD HAVE SAVED US. Not calling 911. Not a knife. Not pepper spray. Not a Pitbull (maybe). Not an alarm. Nothing. There are situations like that every single day. 

I highly suggest purchasing a legal firearm and learning how to use it and store it properly and safely.

I personally know hundreds of registered democrats who own guns. Plenty of moderates. Plenty of independents. Shit my mom even owns a gun she got when my parents got divorced and she was a single mother. She knew as a judge and lawyer and working in law enforcement it’s the only chance you have against an intruder or another person with a gun.

Doe eyed and gullible liberals say “what about Australia??” Australia is nearly 85% white and has the population of texas. Its crime rates and murder rates BEFORE their gun buy back were less than 10% of american. So they were just a bunch of middle class surfers with HEALTHCARE hanging out on the beach BEFORE their gun laws passed. America has drastically different poverty rates; NO HEALTHCARE, a RACIST AND CORRUPT JUSTICE SYSTEM ETC. ETC. It’s not comparable.

To that point Liberals think this issue is only about gun toting WHITE PEOPLE. They’re extremely uneducated. I live in CENTRAL LA and I know most black men here as well as Latinos and Asians own guns and you think someone who’s family was enslaved and or put in internment camps (Japanese and now Latinos) and who are murdered by police brutality DAILY are going to just hand over their guns to some white liberals that say “call the police to protect you”??? It will NEVER happen. Not in our lifetimes. Not in our children’s lifetimes. Not in our grandchildren’s lifetimes.

The second amendment is the only thing that keeps our government (both parties) from outright tyranny. Do you really think black Americans would hand over their guns?? Meanwhile asked the POLICE TO PROTECT THEM??? Have you ever been to central LA? The projects? Come hang out with me in Inglewood/Compton for a couple days and walk around ask people if they’ll be ok with the government coming and taking their legally owned guns. Better yet ask them If they’ll vote for a candidate or party promoting the idea of them forcefully removing their guns/rights/protection. The main reason Americans are shooting each other is poverty, racist ideology ingrained through generations of poverty and lack of proper healthcare and mental healthcare. If they all had good paying jobs, owned homes and were able to get healthcare we’d go back to the fabulous 50’s. Have you ever driven Through the thousands of blocks of projects and ever seen a “GOOGLE” headquarters? Or a good job opportunity? It’s liquor stores, fast food restaurants and strip malls. Let’s be real. The opportunity in white neighborhoods to not only not need guns to protect yourselves but to be able to prosper and have privilege is blatantly obvious.

Brown people it’s the same. Our Latinx american brothers and sisters are not going to hand over their guns to a nation that is LOCKING THEIR RELATIVES AND BABIES IN CAGES WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER.


With that said I don’t think everyone needs an AR. I don’t own one and don’t feel the need to. If I do someday feel that need like our society is on the brink of civil war or something then I’ll likely get one.

I feel people especially women should be taught to protect themselves and their families with firearms.

112 years ago, in 1907...our great grandparents were first able to buy the rifle pictured. The semi-auto Winchester Model 1907.

This is a gun they could buy from a Sears catalog and have delivered via USPS. It was/ is a semi-automatic, high powered centerfire rifle, with detachable, high capacity magazine (assault rifle)...

***(Insert picture comparing both rifles here)

About 400,000 of these were produced before WW2. Civilians had hundreds of thousands of these semi-auto rifles for 40 years, while US soldiers were still being issued old fashioned bolt action rifles.

(Its a fact that the Japanese generals decided not to invade the west coast after knocking out our air force in Pearl Harbor for one reason and one reason only. They said nearly every american (in the 40’s) Owned atleast one gun and they would get slaughtered by the civilians regardless of their Japanese Army, Navy, Air Force and superior weapons)

The 1907 fired just as fast as an AR15 or AK47 and the bullet (.351 Winchester) was actually larger than those fired by the more modern looking weapons..

The ONLY functional difference between the 1907 and a controversial and much feared AR15 is the modern black plastic stock.

To summarize:

The semi auto, so-called "assault rifle" is 110 years old. It isnt new in any way.

The semi auto rifle was not a weapon of war. The government MADE IT a weapon of war 40 years after civilians had them.

The semi-auto can be safely owned by civilians. The proof is that literally 3 generations of adults owned and used them responsibly and no one ever even noticed.

Want to fix the horror of mass shootings? Fix the things that have changed for the worse in the last 70 years. Both parties are guilty of corruption and selling out to the 1%.

The rifle technology in question was here long before this insanity in our society.

Many things to fix:

Mental Health care should be covered by our taxes as well as all other healthcare and people shouldn’t have to do gofundme for their medicine and things when they get sick. EVER. For 1% of the military budget would provide healthcare to every single uninsured american.

Poverty and gun crime go hand in hand and is rampant and can be fixed with major economic reforms and changes such as unions for all industries over 10,000 employees and many other things including raising the minimum wage.

There are so many issues causing chaos in our society right now (I believe) we are on the precipice of possible civil war and failure.

What Beto O’Rourke is speaking about regarding mandatory gun buy backs is dangerous. It’s not only going to motivate millions more people to vote republican they’re just purchasing millions of more weapons now. 

Most Americans live in a blind and blissful ignorance to the struggles of the poverty stricken here in our own nation but also throughout the world. Most people on earth have no running water if they have any type of home at all.

For anyone anywhere to think they are completely safe from violence is naïveté. Humanity is a flawed species. Create wealth equality, universal healthcare and de stigmatized mental
Health and you’ll have a peaceful more evolved society but you’ll never be rid completely of violence. Its inherent in human nature.
Nowhere on earth has it ever been impossible to get guns. Nowhere on earth will it ever be impossible to get guns.

There is nowhere on earth to run and hide. Let’s just make our society evolve its way of thinking and feeling and being instead of banning something that would never work and also only criminals would then have guns.

Now why do I write about having guns and using them responsibly in a book about avoiding a midlife crisis? Because every man should feel safe and protected in their own home or wherever they choose to go. They should also feel the comfort of knowing they can protect their friends and family if needed. These important values and traditions provide a man with security and strength. Not pictures of them shooting at gun ranges or showing off. Just the comfort in knowing they have the ability to defend themselves if the time should ever arise. 

Now I’m not promoting anything other than what already exists. Most Americans own a firearm or live with someone or in close proximity to someone who does. So instead of suggest we try to ban certain weapons and remove them from legal and upstanding citizens instead let’s create a society that is healthy, happy and more emotionally mature and stable and capable and confident enough to trust our neighbors. 

Let’s heal the open wounds of society not try to put locks on something that’s not lockable. 

People like to think we are disconnected from the earth and are some new species. But our bodies are biological entities of earth. Not the opposite. People think because of technology the earth is our toy. It’s the opposite. We are the toys of Mother Earth and she can do whatever she wants to us.

We are just apes that can talk and use our thumbs better. Were just running around fucking and fighting and hunting and gathering only somehow we caged ourselves in. We built our own zoos. Human zoos. 

One of the problems with mass shootings is not only that young men have no easy way to connect with their natural biological instinct to hunt and gather and use their primal self at times to balance out the stress of modern society they also are biologically and systematically programmed to be warriors.

Humans (mostly male humans) have been at war since the first tribes millions of years ago. It’s our nature and natural state (unfortunately) to divide and conquer and the physical and biological instincts of this come out in males just after puberty. If they ain’t fucking something they’re definitely fighting it. And that’s the ways ITS ALWAYS BEEN AND THE WAY IT ALWAYS WILL BE.

Things like Boy Scouts and boxing and football and soccer and anything for them to break free of the chains of forced schooling and doctrines is so necessary for the male biology that it took me years to even understand myself. It took me decades to figure myself out. I’m still learning today. Early childhood development and elementary schools are predominantly ran by women and young women. This is beautiful as they have a mothering and innate nurturing side. The downside is they don’t understand what it’s like to be a male biologically. We are very different species. Especially a male still in development. When boys fly out of a class room for recess and onto the playground and play rugby in the mud for an hour they were one minute away from going crazy before that recess bell rang. They need the PHYSICAL release of not only their insanely unbalanced testosterone but also adrenaline. Most boys and young men need adrenaline to function. Without it they will wither away.

Or they will snap and go crazy and shoot up a school. Let boys be boys. That doesn’t mean let them be bullies. 

Most schools have less and less PE and recess more and more and have more and more bullshit ADD and ADHD and autistic spectrum diagnosis when really they just need to let them be boys more and be outside. I started ditching class in 3rd grade. 3rd grade you say!? Yep. I needed the fresh air and recess wasn’t enough. Luckily for me I was super keen and got away with it through high school. By 7th grade I was forging parents notes and would do full ditch days by myself. I’d go hiking and ride my bmx bike to nature areas and fish and hunt and build bmx tracks just digging with a shovel in the hot sun and sweating for hours. I would’ve rather been digging ditches with a shovel in the heat than stuck behind a desk in the AC twiddling my thumbs.

I was a lucky one. I got away with it because I was smart about. The unlucky ones? They got punished. They got detention. They got moved to the continuation schools. They got hurt feelings from the authority and most of them turned to drugs to numb the pain. They self medicated when really they just needed to connect with nature and be able to be a boy.

I’m not going to say what tricks I used to ditch school at such young ages because I don’t want kids doing it. But if they happen to be like me and figure it out themselves then so be it. 

When my dad was a kid school was much shorter hours. Much less of the year and they had longer vacations and more time for freedom and extra curricular activities.

Every year the school year gets longer and longer. The start times get earlier and earlier. The recess gets shorter and shorter and the demands on the kids gets higher and higher.

We have a detrimental problem with our society. It’s boys. It’s men. 99% of mass shooters are men. Most of them are under 30. I don’t feel I became a full grown and mature man til I turned 33 YEARS OLD.

Was that my fault? Was it societies? My parents? My environment?

I’m a man now and I’m a lucky one.

I made it out of my youth.

But many didn’t.

Many died young from drugs and alcohol and self medicated depression from our society that doesn’t understand how to deal with the complexity of men.

Many committed suicide.

Many are stuck in prison cells for self medicating and acting out.

Many are at war or searching for war.

Many are planning the next domestic attacks.

Why? There is a problem with society. There is a problem with HUMANITY.

Yes many men don’t need to hunt or fish or play rugby all the time and be outside. Some can sit at a desk all day and not go stir crazy. But most can’t. Most are dying inside to feel alive.

I suggest we do something about it before it gets any worse. I have some ideas. Some ways I think might help start. But not the answers. Just some options.

One is to give them time to be themselves. To heal themselves. To feel good and accomplished wether getting a 4.0 or a 2.5. Fuck your standards. Find out what they’re good at and direct them towards that. I had a fear of algebra. I was petrified. It’s an actual psychological diagnosis. 

That’s partly why I graduated early and took hundreds of units of college with 3.8 average and never even got an aa. I took everything besides math. I hated it. I could do it in my head and ok paper. But fuck the hours of bullshit. Wasn’t having it. I never even took prealgebra. I skipped it. So should you! Noooo! I’m kidding. But let’s fix our schools more like Europe. Let’s start there then fix our society like Europe too. 

After you finish this book (if you make it! please take a few minutes to read my bio and platform (small font for 20? Pages) this and I think you might like some of them:

It can also be found by going to and clicking on “about” or “bio”

We are privileged and blessed with a constitution that guarantees our rights as the oldest country in the world (without a transfer from monarchy to democracy or change of government type) and we will prevail by remaining diligent to our constitutional rights. It’s the only thing both parties (corrupt) agree on and the only thing keeping one party from destroying the other.

Hopefully people will recognize that Bernie Sanders is the most rational choice for president and wants to help the average american more regardless of political party. Hopefully by the time you’re reading this enough people have woken up to elect a good man our president again. Obama was no perfect man. But he was a damn decent president. 

(Bernie  also never supported and never will support full gun bans or confiscation) don’t let the media play you. 

Hopefully by the time you’re reading this both parties have moved on and our country is less divided. 

God/dess bless America and our society and our ability to defend ourselves from threats both foreign and domestic.

Speaking of God real quick: This is just my beliefs but to me there’s no “one god”. To me all living things are a part of god. So there’s no entity. It’s just the energy of souls. It’s just the spirit inside us and all living things. It’s not some white dude in the sky. It’s the energy that transcends when we die. It’s also not in control. I know people who have died and been revived and come back into their bodies. We don’t die when our bodies die. We never die. Our soul just travels on its journey. But to me god is just life. It’s anything that lives and breathes because there’s a light in there that goes out when the body dies but it doesn’t go out technically it just shifts. I’ve actually seen it when i was holding my grandmothers hand as she took her last breath. Her aura floated through the room. This Including all the alien lives in the universe as well. We are just small little ants in the spec of all life. Humans are nothing. But there’s ones that come to earth to spread love and let people know that we can find inner peace if not find it in society on earth. Like Buddha. Like Gandhi. Like the dalai lamas. Like Christ. They all said the same thing that god is love and the light inside you aka your “spirit” and that’s that. Religions are crap and set up to control. I just use the place to hear the choir and to get out of my head and connect with my soul and my ancestors and the source. Yeah that’s right. I go to church. A Catholic Church. Every Sunday I can. For 5 years. I don’t take communion. I just turn off from society. Turn my phone off and take in my life and my thanks and my blessings. And yes I believe Christ was a prophet. He was a Jew. That’s my people! We’re all children of some greater cosmic energy. Nobody knows for sure. But this definitely isn’t all just happening here and now and in the past. This is all some universal crazy chaos of love. 

And true love never dies. It just changes colors. As so the sunset changes colors each night so does our body. Our aura or energy field. It’s all there. It’s like a fire. It breathes and gets bright and then fades and smolders down. So do we. 

Our body. Our temple.

Speaking on temples. My good friend, (who I mentioned in the intro about a place in venice called The Love Shack is a colleague and brother from another goddess mother Leo Marrs founded a temple/sanctuary/community center in the thriving Love Shack/Venice Beach Land owned by venice pillar Udi Levy and his two incredible K9s Ella (the queen) and King. 

It features James DeWulf, Michael Carter and Udi’s lady Camillas amazing art and sour bread company. It’s a magical place but only most magical when Brinnin is there curating and managing the property. Udi has hosted hundreds of artists, craftspeople, designers, musicians etc for decades now. It’s truly a venice legend. 

My ex wife and I even had her mobile boutique the Westside Collective there for a couple years as a retail store and event and meeting space. 

Many good people there. Many good events. Many good pieces of art and jewelry and music and all kinds of good things! 

Good people everywhere but venice is a magical meeting place of creative and alternative beings and the love shack is a portal directly to that scene.

Stop by!! You won’t be disappointed. If you don’t love it your copy of my next book is free. 

Sanctum is as stated on its website: 

SANCTUM is an urban sanctuary and wellness space in the heart of Venice, California USA. 
With emphasis on being and becoming, Sanctum offers classes, workshops, and experiences that cultivate body, mind, and Soul.

It just won the “Best of Venice” award for Best Community space! 

It’s located at 2121 Lincoln Blvd Venice Ca 90291

Websites are all linked at glossary of book end. 

As we age in our body so does our mind. But what keeps us healthy? What keeps us younger? Excercise mostly. 

Here’s a recent article I like: simple. Short. To the point. 

Body = health. When your body is happy your mind is happy. When your mind is happy your heart is happy. When your heart is happy your soul is happy. 

“”The secret to a longer life may be a barbell: Strength training as you age reduces your risk for death, according to a new study from Penn State College of Medicine.
Researchers surveyed people age 65 or older about their exercise habits and then tracked them for 15 years. Nearly a third of the study participants died during that period.
Less than 10 percent of the subjects strength trained, but those select few were 46 percent less likely to die during the study than everyone else.
Sure, you could say that older folks who lift must be in better health to begin with. But even after adjusting for BMI, chronic conditions like diabetes and hypertension, and habits like total physical activity, drinking, and smoking, lifting was linked to a 19 percent reduced risk of death.
Strength training can keep you active and independent in your golden years, says study author Jennifer Kraschnewski, M.D. Not only does it strengthen your muscles, resulting in better stamina and balance, but it also increases your bone density. 
Together, those factors reduce your risk for falls and fractures—major causes of disability for older people. 
Plus, you’ll burn more calories throughout the day just by having more muscle mass on your frame, which helps you maintain a healthy weight, Dr. Kraschnewski says.
So if you’re already lifting, don’t retire your dumbbells. 
Want to start? Strength training can be safe for just about anyone, but if you’re over age 65 and inactive, talk to your doctor about any special precautions you should take, she says. Consider enlisting a trainer to create a program designed around any creaky knees or tight hips.
Don’t think that your age will hold you back, though. 
“Older adults have the ability to achieve strength similar to those decades younger by engaging in simple strength training routines,” says Dr. Kraschnewski.””

Since I speak on taking care of your body, mind, heart and soul I want to include a recipe I use when I get a cold or get sick for you to use and soothe and self care: 

**on recipe homemade chicken soup
A friends daughter caught strep so I sent her my Chicken Soup (aka Jewish penicillin) recipe...
Here you go: 

Beau’s (half Jew “matzo balls optional”) Homemade chicken soup 

Shopping list:
One whole free range/organic chicken 
One whole bulb organic garlic 
Two large organic potatoes or 10 small red potatoes
One large organic onion
One bundle organic celery 
3-4 large organic carrots
One bag (8 oz?) Whole barley (use half bag) 
Dry Dill leaf (also fresh dill optional)
One small organic lemon
Box of matzo ball mix (optional) 
Ginger root (optional) 
Sea Salt
Ground pepper

Big 3-4 gallon pot fill half way with filtered or spring water. Place chicken in whole (remove gizzards) on high while heating up chop half the garlic cloves medium to fine and half the onion medium and toss in. Add couple table spoons of salt and grind some pepper and half the lemon squeezed into pot. Throw in a tablespoon of dry dill. 

Bring to full rolling boil for ten minutes. Lower to a low boil a full hour or at least 30- minutes. During that time chop all other veggies. Use all or most at discretion (half of celery stalk) chop onion in larger chunks and garlic only rough to medium chunks. I like Potato chunks about the size of tangerine slices. 

Make matzo balls (optional) 

Remove whole chicken. Add all chopped veggies and barley. 

Strip chicken of all meat and toss out fat and skin at discretion. (I just use a large fork and my hands once it cools enough) Leave some for flavor. Leave bones at discretion. Chop chicken into bite size pieces at discretion and toss back into pot. 

Add more salt and pepper and a bunch more dill. 
Add matzo balls (optional) 

Boil on low at least another 30 minutes until potatoes  are soft to eat but not mush. (Best to for reheating) 

Serve with grated Parmesan and hot sauce and more salt and pepper of needed. 

(Option to add ginger if for someone who’s sick to help flush out belly and ease digestion) 

Enjoy! Bon appetite!

And if you’ve never had Jewish food before don’t worry. It’s the same as anything else. Kosher just means it’s made in a place blessed by a Rabbi pretty much. Just like we’ve all had Christmas dinner somewhere. Same thing. 

I highly suggest reaching out to some Jewish people if you aren’t already friends with any or know any. Some of the most welcoming and opening minded and open hearted people I’ve ever met. 

It’s time for us to evolve beyond the stigmas and stereotypes. It’s up to us to make our generation evolve. It’s possible. All it takes is talking to new people about new things and forming new ideas and opinions. That’s it. That’s human evolution in a nutshell. 

I admit I had some fear of the unknown with Muslim people until I’ve met more of them recently. I still find it an oppressive patriarchal religion that keeps women from having equality and freedom but I’ve come to atleast accept its place in the world rather than feel I need to be against something I have no control over. 

I truly only will ever have control over my own body. My own mind. My own heart. My own soul. 

Your body is your temple. Keep the floors swept and mopped. Keep the roof water tight and repaired. Keep the windows clean for sunlight and moonlight to shine through. 

It doesn’t have to be going to the gym or some strenuous exercise all the time. 

Try out taking a walk in the afternoon or the evening and see how good it feels. Just start walking and checking out the scenery. Use headphones if you want. Just walk until your legs start to burn. Or jog or run 

If your body is happy your mind will be happy. If your mind is happy your heart will be happy. If your heart is happy your soul will be happy. 

***Chapter 1 Notes* figure out how to link back the major concepts of this chapter so far and to the body and how important exercise is at Cetera at four young man at Cetera as well as middle-age men as well as older age man

**Chapter 1 post summary: Your body is your temple. The more you understand your body the more you give it what it needs and figure out what it desires and figure out how it affects your mood and your emotions and your psychological state and your mentality and your ambitions and your general well-being the sooner you will evolve and prevent yourself from ever having a midlife crisis or crisis at any time or place in your life.

Your body:
  1. What are your doing for your body (health) each day, week or month? 
  2. What regrets do you have about your body from the first half of your life that you want to avoid or change for the second half? 
  3. What is your favorite thing about your body from the first half of your life that you want to continue for the second half? 
  4. What is one thing you see others do with their body or for their body that you would like to do with/for yours? 
  5. What’s your favorite part of your body and your least favorite part? 
  6. What makes you feel the most secure in your body? Your clothes? Your tan? Your beard or hair cut? 
  7. What’s the most important thing this chapter has made you think about or feel or want to do regarding your body? 

*Chapter 1 ideas for edits


Chapter 2. Your Mind

Your Mind.

Chapter 2 Pre-Summary: Your mind is your best friend and your worst enemy all at the same time. Atleast until you discover your most successful ways to self-heal and to balance your emotional well being, your mental health and your spiritual practice.

***(Rough concepts) Your mind is just as important or more important as your body as the two are synchronized in operation but they are basically two completely different machines

Autonomous of each other your body has functions that it performs subconsciously without your mind or thoughts having to rationally create a thought such as breathing and certain movements our body and mind have electrical connections and wires just like a computer that keeps things running whether we are paying attention to them or not. Our mind and our body are the same thing but our mind is the engine and our body is the transmission. Our mind is the computer and our body is the printer or 3D printer or the documents that get printed and “shitted” out. 

One connected universe but two separate autonomous entities. Ya dig? 

Our minds are smarter faster and more multi functional and more intrepid than any computer on this planet now or any computer that will ever exist.

Do you control your mind? Or does your mind control you? Are you separate from your mind or is it one constantly flowing and synchronized machine? Do you have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? Are you your own devils advocate? Do you constantly question yourself and psychoanalyze and try to predict the way things are going to take place?

Are you an empathetic person? For instance when you see an old homeless person struggling and you can tell they are suffering and in pain and hungry do you feel their pain or do you just look at them with the slightest amount of pity and continue about your day?

Do you have concerns with the current issues of your community and the rest of the world around you? Or do you just go about your business and mind your own?

Do you see any mental health issue as a weakness? That’s fine. Your prerogative.

I see it as a strength. Because I’ve experienced it first hand.

I was diagnosed with “borderline bipolar disorder” during an episode of manic and hyper emotional state in the summer of 2010 that was followed by months of depression from being embarrassed about being “imperfect” or being “weak” or being “less” in some way. I mean why don’t they call it bipolar “status” instead of “disorder”. That term is super patronizing, condemning and stigmatizing. But I was wrong for thinking that way anyways. Now thankfullyI have my own forms of “medicine” and don't consider myself "sick" or defined by this diagnosis in any way but it remains to this day the most confusing, painful and tumultuous period of my adult life. I still feel vulnerable and raw just thinking about it. There’s been a couple other setbacks here and there but I’ve figured out what triggers me and now I avoid those situations at all cost. Like so many creative and revolutionary people throughout history, I feel the emotions of this world intensely at times but a 14-year foundation of mindfulness meditation practice helps keep me balanced through it all and I wouldn't trade my experience for anything in the world. It is this depth and breadth of feeling that has created some of the most powerful and beautiful works of music and art known to man. The line between creativity and madness has always been blurred. I don't personally believe it's fair or accurate, as the main stream suggests, to compare the stigma surrounding mental illness to the struggle of the LGBT movement, but the shame and embarrassment and social fallout that results from "coming out" about your “diagnosis” or “status” is very real and very scary. It's inspiring to hear more people are stepping forward but I often wonder whether people will judge me or look at me differently when they find out I had this experience. I suppose dealing with that part of the process is inevitable. But it's important for us to step forward and declare: I am not ashamed. This isn't who I am but it's a small part of me that I carry always, whether or not I experience mania or depression ever again, whether the diagnosis I and so many people I know have received is even accurate to begin with. Our society loves to slap labels onto what they do not understand. In an effort to combat this stigma I am shooting video interviews for a project about bipolar disorder with anyone who is willing to open up and share their personal experience. If you consider any of your mental health issues embarrassing you should know by sharing to others that feel ashamed of theirs as well that everyone can heal at the same time universally. If you would like to participate or know anyone who might be willing to talk to me on camera, please message me directly on social media or by email. Your voice in this conversation is much needed and will help to create a better environment for future generations to come. 

If this book is successful I’d like to expand the platform to other media and genres. It’s likely going to be a documentary of the same name or  “The Reverse Mid-Life Crisis” and I plan to open some kind of men’s center or community centers where men can gather and create a bond that be honest with each other and helps them open up about the traumas or things that happens to them that creates depression and stress and all the other things that cause men to withdraw and or react violently or to reach for drugs and alcohol instead of a healthy and healing way to evolve. If people were able to seek help for mental health and any other type of issue without being subjected to the scrutiny and terrible bureaucracy that is the government funded county mental health systems there would be much more health and stability in our society. Instead we have millions of homeless and addicted people living on the streets with limited resources for recovery. 

**on suicide mental health (a post from Chris Paul): 
LA is actually a small town if you live there long enough and a few friends and colleagues of mine lost a dear friend yesterday. I wasn't lucky enough to have known this sweet young woman as I have read much about her though and wanted to re-share a friends thoughts, here's to Chris Paul for being courageous and thoughtful to speak up during this time of mourning:: (his words) 

"I always feel conflicted about commenting on death and suicide but after losing another friend, albeit one I hadn't had contact with in a while, and spending a lot of time in the last year or so learning about the brain, depression, etc... It seems a relevant time to briefly mention some things that may eventually help someone else before it's too late.
Genuine clinical depression isn't a weakness or something you can cheer up from. It's a medical condition where chemicals in your brain aren't functioning in a "normal" way.
It's important to understand that your brain is every bit as much a physical part of you as your leg is. When you break your leg, you go to the doctor to get it fixed. When what's broken are the pathways in your brain that control things like serotonin and other neurotransmitters, you deny it, avoid it, feel ashamed of it, and get told that you're weak, or that you need to cheer up, or that this or that "spiritual" practice will help, or that religion will help, or that you need to start or stop some activity. All of these things are responses from generally well meaning, but completely uninformed people.
All sorts of things can lead to these conditions, whether they're genetic or a response to some trauma. There are soldiers who have PTSD simply from hearing too many explosions. Your brain is constantly under barrage from a variety of threats, and you never know exactly what can induce damage. But denying that the damage is real inflicts the damage all over again, and makes it impossible to remedy.
Those who constantly think pharmaceutical companies are the devil are doing a disservice to the countless people who could be genuinely helped by certain prescription drugs. Are drugs over marketed, abused, and possibly over prescribed? Yes. Does that mean they don't do a great deal of good when used properly?
Absolutely not.
If you were sad for a while and snapped out of it, congratulations. You didn't have clinical depression.
When you tell someone else that their situation can be solved as easily as yours was, you're diminishing a very serious situation that can potentially have life-threatening consequences. At the very least, you're discouraging someone from treatment that can lead to living a better, happier life, all while believing you're providing positive support.
Cat was a lovely girl who I only ever knew to be smiling and talkative, but each of us have the side that other people don't get to see.
There's nothing that can change what happened, but there are things that can stop these things from happening to you or the people you love. If you think you have a problem, seek treatment. If you have a friend with a problem, encourage them to.
And for fuck's sake, stop stigmatizing mental and emotional problems as "all in your head" or "not a big deal." Broken legs don't kill people. Hormonal and chemical irregularities can.
And please stop calling people cowards for wanting out. Be thankful that you don't wake up thinking those same thoughts."

Thanks Chris Paul. Looking forward to your book. 

That’s similar to how I feel regarding western medicine and depression and mental health. The more it’s talked about the more normalized it becomes and the less stigmatized and embarrassed people will feel. 

The following essay is one of my favorite exposes on mental health and bipolar. 

**** citation to without ghaemi or re-write/paraphrase **

Mental health conditions have often mistakenly been associated with weakness, and the stigma of being labelled “mentally ill” is sometimes as big a burden as the condition itself. While mental health literacy might be improving, too many of us still believe in dated ideas such as the one that says people with mental health problems can’t hold down a job.
In fact, some of our most iconic leaders suffered from mental health conditions.“Mania enhances creativity and resilience to trauma, while depression increases realism and empathy,” writes Nassir Ghaemi, a professor of psychiatry, who has carried out extensive research on the link between mental illness and leadership.
Ghaemi’s research not only proves that people suffering from a mental health illness can be great leaders – it also suggests they can make better leaders: “When times are good and the ship of state only needs to sail straight, mentally healthy people function well as political leaders. But in times of crisis and tumult, those who are mentally abnormal, even ill, become the greatest leaders.”
As these four inspiring leaders show, it’s time to dispel the myths of the past and stop stigmatizing something that affects one in four people at some point in their lives. We must listen to Ghaemi’s words and recognize that for some people, “their weakness is the secret of their strength”.

**End citation 

Our mind is our best friend and our worst enemy. 

It’s a love and hate relationship and we use all sorts of tricks and or substances to change the way our mind works or is feeling. Our mind is sort of it’s own being. Because when truly tap into our body we shut down our mind. It goes to sleep or rather it meditates. It becomes comatose and transcends its normal annoying functions. When are skateboarding and about to Ollie Down a twelve stair set our adrenaline takes over our mind releases it’s grasp on our body and our muscle slam into synchronized selective harmony like a god damned orchestra. And that’s it. We go into an auto pilot mode of magical power and force. Same with when we perform music or dance or run or anything active and accelerating of our heart rate past a certain point. Like when we are fucking and making love so intensely that or body just becomes its own vessel of energy thriving and thrusting and pumping with zest and lust and blood and cum that we have a mutual disconnection from our body, mind and even our skin and bones and we enter the pleasure of ecstasy of energy and orgasm into bliss. 

That was a rant. Because I let me mind wander to where it wanted to go. That’s how poetry flows. That’s also how life goes. Poetry is a lost artform of the mind and language and verse and turn of phrase. It’s still around in music in hip hop and pop and rock and country. All great songs with lyrics are just poetry with a beat and melody and all true poets are just singers with no need for a song. 

Our minds are like a machine in one way always operating and calculating but they’re also like an ocean always in constant motion. Constant ebb and flow. Constant creation and destruction. We use them to form great storms of intense thought and stress like a storm that pushes on shore with a strong breeze. Loud and chaotic and cold and wet and windy. We also use our minds to put ourselves at ease like the steady strength of an old growth wooded forrest that has stood for two thousand years. Stoic and strong and quiet and peaceful. Warm and calming. 

What would our minds be like without language though? What if we lived before humans developed words to describe everything? What if we just used our minds simply with instinct and simple gestures? Would life be easy? Would it be boring? Do words complicate everything? I believe yes and no. They definitely complicate our brain and our minds more than they should. But we also have the ability to block out all words and thoughts and annoying anxiety. Think about all those times you zone out and feel so good just day dreaming. That warm and fuzzy feeling of just zoning out and not thinking. Well can do that times ten by teaching yourself to breathe better. To practice square breathing and meditative breathing. You can shut up your brain. Turn your mind on autopilot. It’s great actually. 

Words are our minds weapons of choice. But we don’t always need them. Have you ever tried chanting like yogis when they go ohhhhhhhmmmmmm. That’s a vibration they make with their mouths. Why? Because it allows their mind to stop nonsense and obsessive thinking about thoughts and Bullsh it. When you chant an ohm your mind goes into auto pilot and your true self (your soul) awakens and frees itself from its cage (your body) and floats around like a dancer on a dance floor with no choreography just flowing and floating on their toes with Rythm abd purpose yet almost flying and feeling free as a leaf floating on the breeze of a fall morning. Words are the Swiss army tools of the mind. So many to choose from but which ones do we really need? Not many. Laughable that this book is  now 67,000 words (as I work on edits and re-writes) but we only really need a few. How many words do we really need? 

In reality not many. We need food, water, shelter, love and a purpose. We need family friends, work and a lover. Or a partner. That’s really all we need. Life is that simple. Capitalism will fool you into believing you need fancy things. You need status symbols to prove your success. To prove your dominance and elitism. Nah. That’s bullshit. That’s fake. That’s a false reality. Yes it’s nice to have certain things. Yes we all have wants and desires and want to earn our fair share and provide for our families. 

But when we walk past a human being living out of a shopping cart with tattered clothes and sun burnt skin and hungry and hot or cold and homeless we realize we aren’t doing this right. This human existence is FAILING. YEP. WE ALL GET A BIG FAT FUCKIN F. 


I am not saying I’m any better than the average american. I’m just saying that I WANT TO BE BETTER. Not better than anyone. Just better as myself. Better and more activated. More engaged. More committed to sustainability. More involved with charity. More involved with non-profits and non-governmental organizations. I want us to evolve and with that said I first have to evolve myself. I have to be the change. 

That doesn’t mean I’m going to be one or would ever want to become some extra new age sober vegan elitist.

I believe in moderation. But why why why are we still living like this? 

Billions of pounds of extra food grown on earth every year that goes to waste instead feeding the hungry. We have billions of dollars of taxes that go to waste instead of building shelters and housing for the homeless. We have billions of people living without running water or shelter all across the WORLD. Yet there’s literally enough for everyone everywhere and all it would take is simple logistics and rules and laws that take power away from corporations and give it back to people with altruistic values and shared belief that nobody needs a trillion dollars or even a billion when half of the rest of the world is starving and can’t even afford to visit a doctor when they are sick. 

This must change and it must change first with each of us deciding if must change. Rather than accepting it how it is and sinking back down into a lower sedated version of ourselves drowing in apathy we must change our minds. We must BELIEVE that we can make the world a better pkace. Once we believe that ourselves then we can see the smallish things that make big differences. 

Think about the Toyota Prius for instance. When it first came out and even for years it was made fun of. But I’ve read studies that prove that the Toyota Prius has singlehandly improved the air quality of Los Angeles and Southern California. It’s true. There’s more prius here than any other city in the world and it coincides directly with the lower smog and better air quality over the last ten years. 

We decided as a generation sure Prius are dorky and whatever but atleast they’re better gas mileage and can run on electric. So fuck we will drive them. Or atleast some of us will. I did. I had one. I loved the gas mileage. I wish I still had it today but the head gasket blew. Was still a great car up until then. 

I believe our minds and our lifestyle go hand in hand. 

Our minds see the way things are around us and our style begins to change based on our environment. 

I believe we are only doing about 7-10% of what we could do to help the world and change the world and that’s not good enough. 

Our minds have gotten the best of us. We are all to blame. Our egos are bigger than our hearts. Our minds more selfish than our souls. So how do we fix it? How do we balance idealism and rationalism? Altruism and survivalism? 

If society is failing and we all know things need to change, Where do we go from here? 

Well the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. 

I believe we need to fundamentally shift our society into a more evolved and sustainable model but still connected to nature and our primal selves. 

No more sitting back and letting our society and governments manipulate us. 

Fuck that. 

We aren’t buying it and people are fed up. There’s been more civil unrest and protest in America and the world in the last 5 years  than any other time in human history. Why? It’s the only thing that works. It’s no longer ok for ego maniacs like Donald trump to command power over men, women and children who aren’t as wealthy and powerful as him. His mind is not healthy. He is smart though. He uses distractions to take attention away from things he doesn’t want our minds to focus on. He’s manipulating and cunning and he’s really good at capturing the minds of his followers. He was born to do what he does. But he was also born to fail. Most of his busunesss and ideas have been failures. But he purposely failed with some of them in order to keep his investors money. And he’s failing now. He’s failing our nation. He’s failing our society. And hopefully by the time you read this he is long gone. 

Because we won’t stand for him. We aren’t going to stand for anyone ever anything like him. 

We are going to open our minds up to the reality that things aren’t working and figure what needs to change and do it by force if necessary. Just like with the body and addiction and sobriety at the end of the struggle. We are battling the addiction of ignorance as a society. 

Soon it will be time for peace and love and healing so we can fix the mind at the same time we fix society by gaining the understanding that we are all one people.

 We are all here on earth right now in need of those basic things like food, water, shelter, 

We need food, water, shelter, love and a purpose. We need family friends, work and a lover. Or a partner. That’s really all we need. 

Think about the greatest leaders the world has ever known. 

Who were they and what were they trying to do??? Usually just trying to get freedom, food, water, shelter and love to their people or some great mass of people in need. 

Mother Theresa. Gandhi. Martin Luther king. Cesar Chavez. Chief Joesepf. Sitting Bull. Geronimo, Cochise, William Wallace, Joan of Arc, Anne Frank, Oprah, Nelson Mandela, David vs. Goliath. The list could go on and on forever. 

That list is many heros. Many of them also suffered with severe mental health issues and were hospitalized multiple times until finding the right regimen. Think about how crazy it is that the greatest Anerican president of all time Abraham Lincoln has atleast three full emotional and psychological break downs or “breaks” as the industry calls them BEFORE he rose to become one of the strongest and most revolutionary leader our nation or even the WORLD has ever known. This is not talked about in history books or in schools yet children reading about him read all about his great power and strength but why not about the other parts of him that included “bi-polar” sometimes lacked or diagnoses as manic depression and his other bouts with other mental, emotional and spiritual health?  BECAUSE IT IS STIGMATIZED. 

Time to change all that. If it takes me spending an entire summer burning up my savings and struggling to get my bills paid to write a fucking book to prove to the world that we need to change and evolve and even re-write history books to be more humanized and realistic that I WILL. 

The fact is that humans are a flawed species. We have to accept that just like addicts accept their addiction as a disease or defunct part of them that is SEPERATE from their body, mind, heart and soul. It’s an outside force that is out of control and only when they break free of the chains of society making them
Feel bad for it they truly gain the power and strength to face it head on and conquer it like super hero and a villain. That’s when the mind becomes one with the body is when we harness our power of love. And not love for others but love for our fucking selves! 

“God grant me the setentity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

Replace the word god with goddess . Or with higher power. Or with Mother Earth or with love! 

Just say “love grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I san and the wisdom to know the difference” 

But now say it out loud.  It might sound cheesy. I would’ve thought that was cheesy at a younger age or until I truly found serenity. But once you find it you realize you didn’t have to suffer for all those years. 

Once you find a mantra you like write it down. Anywhere you’ll see it. And say it everyday. As many times a day as you want. Why do religions force people to say the same prayers over and over? Because once you say something enough times you believe it. No matter how far fetched it may seem. It works. It shifts your reality. It shifts your chemistry. It shifts your biology. It shifts your alchemy. It shifts your everything. 

Then say “my mind is not my body. My body is not my heart. My heart is not my soul. We are all one being alive and full of love and strength and power”. 

We are one. 

The most powerful men in the world are some of the most depressed and anxious and loving and open hearted and scared and conquered and defeated and reimagined and reinvented and resurrected. Not in the Christ sense but in the sense that they have lived many different lives in one lifetime. 

Some of you may be losing connection with this book right now as you might be a type A type guy and be very “normal” and that’s fine. There might be other sections that resonate with you. Or honestly you might just have the type of mind and experience that doesn’t need to be exposed to other philosophical concepts and wats of being and seeing the world. 

For the rest of us I strongly urge you to do a deep dive into yourself. A personal inventory of sorts. 

So many men live on the spectrum of so many so called “diagnoses”. 

We all do at different times of our lives because LIFE IS FUCKING HARD.  

It’s like a rodeo. Jump on a bucking wild beast and hold the fuck on for as long as you can. It’s going to be tough and rough and wild and crazy and fun and worth it. 

But it ain’t always going to be smooth sailing and a perfect breeze. 

That’s why we need to be prepared to deal with the hard times with serenity and acceptance and acknowledge we have been though similar things before and know we will make it through them again. No matter what our mind tells us. Our body knows it needs certain things. Our heart feels that it needs certain things and our soul literally lightens up inside of us when we find the tools we need and technique we need to use them to balance our emotions, calm our minds, feed our bodies, warm our hearts and soothe our souls. 

I’m telling you. We are all a little bit “crazy” and I truly believe that’s a GOOD thing. But don’t take it from me. Take it from legendary men and women who have battled mental health issues and also have had massive impacts on world fucking history: not just history. But all of humanity today. 

Abraham Lincoln

According to letters written by his friends, Lincoln was “the most depressed person they’d ever seen” and it seems from research that depression ran in his family.
But it wasn’t always that way. As a young man, acquaintances remembered him for his sunny disposition: “I never saw Mr Lincoln angry or desponding,” said a fellow soldier in the Black Hawk War, “but always cheerful.” After several personal tragedies – including the death of his sister and a close friend – he started to suffer with bouts of depression. They were sometimes so extreme that friends worried he would take his life: “Lincoln was locked up by his friends … to prevent derangement or suicide,” one villager in New Salem said.
In Lincoln’s Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness, Joshua Wolf Shenk shows how the president who led the US through its bloody civil war managed to turn his suffering into strength.

Winston Churchill

Churchill spoke very openly about his depression and went through a particularly severe period in the years before the First World War: “For two or three years, the light faded from the picture. I did my work. I sat in the House of Commons. But a black depression settled on me,” he later told his doctor.
According to a recent biography, the legendary British wartime leader found great comfort in creative activities: “His creative-depressive personality meant that writing (or painting, or bricklaying) was a way of keeping the ‘black dog’ of depression at bay.” As a result, he produced more words than Shakespeare and Dickens combined, and while now famous for his political leadership, he also became one of the highest paid journalists of his time.
But the shadow of depression followed him most of his life: “I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand back and, if possible, get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation.”

Martin Luther King Jr

Despite being one of the most widely researched leaders of modern times, very little is ever written about Martin Luther King Jr’s experience with depression. As a 1968 Time Magazine profile of him notes, he twice attempted to commit suicide before the age of 13, following the death of his grandmother.
He suffered several bouts of severe depression, and shortly before he was assassinated, his staff even tried to get him psychiatric treatment, which he turned down. But it was one of the characteristics often found in people who suffer from depression – an extreme form of empathy – that drove the civil rights leader to achieve all he did. Addressing a conference of psychologists in 1967, he dismissed their desire to always “cure” maladjustment: “There are some things concerning which we must always be maladjusted if we are to be people of good will.”

Princess Diana

After marrying the heir to the British throne, Princess Diana was propelled into the public spotlight. The intense pressure and scrutiny of her new role left her feeling desperate and alone. Although she did not speak about it at the time, she opened up in a 1995 interview with the BBC: “I had never had depression in my life. But then when I analysed it I could see that the changes I’d made in the last year had all caught up with me, and my body was saying: we want a rest.”
Rather than receiving support, her struggles with mental health problems were the source of scorn and amusement in the British press: “It gave everybody a wonderful new label – Diana’s unstable and Diana’s mentally unbalanced. And unfortunately that seems to have stuck.”
The stigma of these labels pushed her further into depression: “When no one listens to you, all sorts of things happen.” She started to self-harm and struggled with bulimia for a number of years. “I didn’t like myself; I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with the pressures.”


We all know so many more. Marilyn Monroe abd JFK both suffered from mental health issues. Maybe that’s why they connected so deeply. 

Elvis, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Brittany Murphy, Lady Gaga…many many others. Not just Americans but all types from all over the world. 

The list could go on forever. Many of the most famous and successful people in the world today and of every generation have also been some of the most emotional and psychologically deep people. Many have had multiple stays in hospitals and mental health hospitals, rehabs, sober living, you name it. 

It’s not something to be ashamed of. Atleast not any more. Our health is our most important thing in life. Included in that statement is mental health, emotional health, spiritual health!! 

If mental health is seen as a weakness then why are some of the worlds greatest artists, athletes, presidents, kings and queens, activists, journalists, writers, humanitarians, even doctors, lawyers and law enforcement currently and historically carrying on with their mental health issues and thriving, striving and giving so much to the world? 

Your mind is your mind. It’s your path to clarity. It’s your greatest tool. It’s your most important piece to this wild and ever changing puzzle of life. Your mind heals, adapts and gets stronger just like your body. 

Why do we see our mind as something separate from our body when really our body and mind are one and the same. Why is mental health separate from regular health? Why isn’t it completely normal for you to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist just like it is to go to the GP for something? Because of STIGMA. 


We must help our minds heal just like we help our bodies heal. We must help our hearts heal. We must help our souls heal. 

-Summary: Your mind is your best friend and your worst enemy all at the same time. But most of us spend much more time with our best friends than we do with our worst enemies right? So let’s be like that with our minds. Let’s help our minds stay balanced and focused and heal by using every single tool in the world including psychiatry and psychology and medicine both pharmaceutical and natural. Let’s heal our mind so that it’s like our best friend all the time or atleast as much as possible. Please reach out to me or any of the resources at the end of this book or on our social media for help of any kind and to professional doctors or hospitals at any time of crisis or any level of untreated mental health issues. Atleast until you discover your most successful ways to self-heal and to balance your emotional well being, your mental health and your spiritual practice and master your techniques and tricks. We will always need outside help and things in life along the way.

 Never feel you’re alone in this journey. Literally up to 20% of the population is fully diagnosed with something or the other or borderline this or that. That’s only who are diagnosed. Think about the millions of others who aren’t!! 

Your mind is your best friend. With that said, friendships take work just like anything else in life that worth having. 

Chapter 2 questions

What are your doing for your mind (health) each day, week or month? 

  1. What regrets do you have about your mind and mental health from the first half of your life that you want to avoid or change for the second half? 
  2. What is your favorite thing about your mind from the first half of your life that you want to continue for the second half? 
  3. What is one thing you see others do with their mind or for their mental health that you would like to do with/for yours?
  4. What’s your favorite part of your mind and your least favorite part?
  5. What makes you feel the most secure and content in your mind? 
  6. What’s the most important thing this chapter has made you think about or feel or want to do regarding your mind? 
  7. What’s your own tips for yourself and others on maintaining a clear and focused and healthy mind and mental health?


Chapter 3: Your Heart

Chapter 3 pre-summary

Your heart is your heart. It knows you better than you know yourself (your mind).

Your heart is your compass and like a compass it will guide you through oceans and seas as you sail through life both in times of chaos, stormy weather and unforeseen gails when you think your boat might sink or you might want to abandon ship and also in times of paradise and peaceful calm waters and sunny days. Your heart is your compass. Use it like the precision tool that it is and protect it as if you’ll be lost at sea without an idea of direction should it get lost or permanently broken. Thankfully it can never be permanently broken unless you die for it’s always beating to generate new blood and new life and new cells for you to fight with. Your heart will heal. Trust me.

My heart has been broken a thousand times.

Well it has. But not in the normal romantic love and loss type. I’m certain only 3 or maybe 4 times it’s been broken that way.

My heart has been broken a thousand times by life. Because I’m an empath. Because tragedy. Because family. Because friends. Because fucking sports. Losing in the Norcal state championship soccer game at 14 years old. After winning our way through the tournament. Making the final. Playing our hearts out. Ending the game in regulation. Going to shoot outs. Making goals. One miss. Just one miss and it was over. My heart wasn’t broken from that. My heart was broken from seeing my teammates crying. I wasn’t sad. I was fucking proud as hell. I loved that second place trophy. It was two tiers tall. My heart broke thinking I didn’t understand why my teammates were so worried about only getting to win. I was broken hearted by the fact they didn’t feel that the most beautiful part wasn’t the destination. It was the journey. It was our team and and we were like soldiers in battle. Holding each other up. Screw the Folsom Sting. We were the Goddamned Roseville Roughnecks and Roman Dechateau our Head Coach told us that later that night. He said pick up your heads. Dry your tears. This is only this beginning he said. This the start of your journey. He has played professionally in Europe and America and he knew half of our team was headed to full ride scholarships and pro soccer. I was one of them. I lead our team in scoring with Mike Knopp and I about equal every year for the last 8 years before that. If mike and I didn’t score goals every single game we lost. It was on our shoulders. Our entire team and coaches and parents knew if him and I didn’t both score atleast one goal we lost. But we did it. We scored 2-3-4 sometimes more goals in one game. We were little legends. Flying down the left wing I would cross the ball to mike or to kyle and that was it. Crush the ball past the goalie. Then what? Our hearts would EXPLODE with joy. Every goal. It never got old. The overwhelming rush of happiness, joy, exhilaration, the rush of adrenaline knowing we were now ahead in the Game and now all we had to do was step up our defense and Jason Gannt always took care of that. He was a beast in the backfield. He went on to a full ride at UC Davis and ended up the head coach of the university after dabbling in different pro leagues. Mike went Full Ride to Kansas. 

But not me. It was my dream to be on the high school soccer team. We were about to be living legends. 14. Steam rolling into high school with my right wing as the home coming King and my date Jen Sanders the Home Coming Queen. We were little kings of our little worlds. 

Then my heart got broken. For the first time. True crushing death. My heart turned to a black ball of sadness. Why? 

I got cut from the Oakmont High school soccer team. Why? 


I figured it out eventually. The coach hated me. How? Why?  He didn’t even know me. I was a good kid. Sure I had started smoking weed the year before but I was a star soccer player. I was a team player. I only fought bullies. I was a loyal friend and boyfriend. Why the fuck would the coach cut me? 

Well little did I really know until a couple weeks into my freshmen year that my brothers legacy ego had graduated just the year before wasn’t exactly stellar. He wasn’t a bad kid either. In fact he was all those things I just listed too. Even more of a soft hearted guy than me even. Lee is a god damned good man. Then and now. 

But he had started drinking hard and young. He was showing up to class and even soccer practice drunk in high school. Some people knew. The coach sure as shit knew. His teachers definitely knew. Some of his buddies knew. But what could they do? He was a good guy. He just wasn’t showing up. And scooting by. 

Well I’m not 100% sure that coach cut me because of my brother deciding drugs and alcohol were a little more fun. I am sure that is not something to be ashamed of. And I’m writing this as proud of my brother as any brother in the world can be. He’s a 11 years sober. A full time living and supporting dad. He’s always helping my mom and taking care of what he can. But he did become an alcohol young. And he admits it. It’s part of his recovery process. We all know the 12 steps. The most life saving cult of all time. Thank god for AA/NA. 

So the coach didn’t like the way brother handle that. Leaving the team mid season. I can’t blame him. Leaves a hole in the roster. And maybe even a hole in the coaches heart. Think about how much time and energy and support and love coaches give us. Then to walk away? That’s heart breaking. In no way is anyone supposed to feel guilt or regret for decision like that. Lee letting go of soccer was way for him to cope with whatever he was going through. Our parents getting divorced. Our sister was an alcoholic or atleast an addict. We luckily had great other family and friends and all but everyone drinks. Even at that age. Or atleast they did back then. Maybe Lees heart was broken from something and maybe that he needed time to heal it. And we all know that takes a lot of time. 

Soccer was my life. Well sports really. Any of them. We would get our school and meet up and play at the local parks. Anything. Soccer, Football, Baseball, Basketball, Tennis, Raquetball, shit we even played golf. We were like addicts. 

So my heart was broken. I couldn’t show my face at school. Everyone in my group of friends was talking about it. What was I going to do? Sit around all semester while they were at practice and games? I would literally be so depressed and full of shame my heart would’ve just caved in on itself. 

So I asked my dad if I could move in with him and transfer high schools. He said yes but not tight away. But I had to go. I was done. One more day at that school and I’d start ditching anyways. I had started ditching school in 4th grade. 

I knew what I could do. I could ask my god parents. The Cunningham’s and Kellys. They lived up in grass valley and would totally take me in. So I called them up. My mom and my godmother had had a falling out. My sister had been in the middle of it and they were both crushed. They raised our families together. I don’t mean just your average two families meeting up on holidays. No. This was different. We did everything together. Our siblings all lined up the same age. Our parents loved to go out to eat and drink together. But that all had changed. My mom and her hasn’t spoken in years. I knew it would bum my mom out and I knew we would have less time together but I knew eventually she would understand. I had to fucking go. I wrote her a deep and heart strings letter stating my case. She’s a lawyer and a judge and had raised me right. To have strength in my character and to know the power of my words. 

She said ok. I’m sure she cried her eyes out but to this day my mom and I share so much love and commitment to certain things in our life that I know her heart has been healed a million times over. 

I was free. New school. New friends. I had already met them visiting Loren on long weekends. The town was this beautiful Victorian era gold mining town Nevada City abd my dad told me he was down to move up there in a few months. Just to stick it out with the Kellys for now and he would figure it out. He did. And we had a fantastic run there for a while. We were big fish in a small pond because we loved everyone in town and return they loved us too. 

I would end up getting in fights with guys who called Loren a fag. I got in a fight my very first day at Nevada Union. I don’t know why I’ve ended up in I guess around a dozen fights because I never started them. Except the one time the guy threw my little brother James Bratt in the lake in Santa Cruz. That guy got his ass beat and he deserved it. 

Anyways it was a whole new world. New high school. New environment. New influences. Most importantly a new heart. 

Can you do that though? Can you just pick up and leave and start over and feel better like that? Can you replace your surroundings and your heart in turn gets a fresh start? 


Do I recommend it? I don’t recommend doing anything in this book. But if you feel like you have no other options? Well then if you decide, Try it next time. I’m not saying abandon your family or friends. But try something new. Expand your environment. Travel to a foreign land. Go to an area you’ve never though of going before just to exist in that new and foreign place. Try some new language. Try to some lovers. Try some new food and music and culture. 

Why sit around in the same old town with the same people doing the same shit every weekend? Get out! I’m not saying you don’t ever have to go back. Just get some exposure to the other parts of the world you never knew existed. 


Evolve your body. Evolve your mind. Evolve your heart. Evolve your soul. 

How can you evolve as a person if you live practically the same life over and over each day? I understand the comfort of living in an area and knowing everyone and nothing much changes. Well the. The least you could do is travel and open your heart to meeting new people in new places and experience things you never could’ve imagined. Your heart will grow. And that’s a good thing. 

Your heart grows and breaks and regrows abs breaks again and again just the trees each spring grow a new set of leaves and a new layer of bark for the long cold winter after the leaves dry up and die and fall off well your heart grows a new layer of skin and cells around it self both physically and emotionally with each year and each heart break. 

My heart has been broken a thousand times. 

Not just by women or girls at that time. But by life itself. Anything can break your heart so long as your emotional attachment to that thing is destroyed or altered or blocked from you. 

For real though. When Obama won the election is was overwhelmingly filled with joy. For the first time I had voted for a man for president and he had won (gore lost 00’, Kerry lost 04’) I was thrilled! I had campaigned for him for months.

Then not 30 minutes later the California polls closed and they predicted proposition 8 passed making gay marriage illegal in California. I was CRUSHED. My childhood best friend and God Brother Loren David Cunningham (my son’s middle name is David in his honor (Rest and fly in Peace and Power) was gay. He passed away in 2018. He was no angel. But he was one of the sweetest men the world has known. To those he loved he loved forever and “Sasha Fierce” love.

Loren like me grew up all over California. Born in LA/SoCal and raised in both parts of the state from the podunk small dirt roads of Penn Valley and Nevada City to the streets of SF as soon as he got a car and started partying in the Castro.

He came out when were just 15 years old. In a small town. A tiny mountain town filled with 1/4 rednecks, 1/4 hippies, 1/4 skater/snowboarder/rocker etc, and 1/4 of everything else. (BESIDES GAY MEN). I doubt there were any. Maybe a couple. But we’re talking 1995 here. Again before Ellen. before Rupaul. Before the whole national and international acceptance and lgbtq. (Even though they/were still fighting the good fight today) to say the least he was brave. He was a warrior. And he had to deal with some shit. Luckily I was right by his side and a few times I had to grab guys by the throat and nearly choke them to get them to apologize for calling him a fag. But he fought the other way. He won them over with his heart. He made friends with everyone. And when I say everyone I mean EVERYONE. He hung out with the Jocks one day and the gutter punks the next day and all of them loved him like a brother. The ones that really knew him called him “Orange” because when he first hung out in Calanan Park in downtown Nevada City he was so shy and intimidated that when he went to pronounce his name “Loren” he said it so quietly and mumbled it to sound like Orange. I think Sean Cohan called him that first and it stuck. And we both loved the color orange so we would rock it even though it was usually an off color.

To circle back here Loren was a gay out man in 2008 and had a partner he planned to marry. Loren. The one gay guy with a HUGE HEART everyone knew and loved since we were kids and had made friends with anyone and everyone and would always be there to smoke you out or whatever you needed. The wild Loren. The dancing singing queen. Had finally settled down a bit and was talking with his boyfriend about getting married. And now this.

The republican pseudo-christian hypocrites had voted to take away his rights to marry his partner and had changed our state.

I was CRUSHED. I had never married yet either. I was 28. Was sorta engaged once (promise ring) and had spent my junior year of college paying off the real diamond ring I planned to propose to her with the summer after her college graduation. She was going to be a senior. A year ahead of me because I went back to JC after taking some years off. But she decided she wanted to be single her last year of college and who can blame her? CRUSHED. A few years later in Santa Cruz this time I basically and stupidly repeated the process with another woman who was a few years younger than her. (Dumbass). CRUSHED AGAIN.

But honestly when prop 8 passed and I felt the empathetic weight and burden of knowing not just my brother Loren was being casted out by half of our society and being faulted for his sexuality and being judged and humiliated and all that all over again that he dealt with in his teens and every gay and lesbian young person was experiencing that too in my HOME STATE OF CALIFORNIA?? I was floored. I cried. Literally went back to my truck (had been a bar in manhattan beach with a girl I was dating) crawled into my truck and cried. Balled. How could anyone be that cruel to deny two people in live their god given rights?

Is it in the Bible? I’ve never seen it. If it is then FUCK YOUR BIBLE.

Love is love. Life is life. And true love never dies. If you think gay people shouldn’t be able to get married or be together or love each other than you’re a terrible person. No other way to put it. It means you want to deny other people love and happiness and that makes you the scum of the earth. Not sorry for saying it. Wether you blame it on your religion or your “family values” or you just say you’re “old fashioned”. Guess what else is old fashioned: slavery, dowry, endentured servitude, torture, stoning, beheading, lynching, and all the other evil shit humans have done to each other for thousands of years. You’re not against gay marriage. You’re against life. You’re against love. You’re against your own weak and feeble mind abd small heart. 

We as a generation elected Obama. The first black president. They said it would never happen. Then just like that we came out and voted for him. There he was. Finally a decent man. 

We had protested bush for 8 long years. Literally we were done. We were exhausted. So we held faith and “hope” that are new man Obama would come through with some power moves. And boy did he? Yes he did. He basically accomplished every single thing he set out to do. And we were/are proud. Best president (so far) of our lifetimes.

Little did they know they were in for 8 long years of love with Obama. Our golden years. So many good things happened from 2008 to 2016 culturally, politically, artistically, poetically, sexually...all of it! I mean Rihanna showed up yo! The woman is a beast. She owns my heart. You might have your “queen bey” but I have my Empress Riri. She’s my lord and savior. I bow down and carry a sword for her.

Obama brought weed to White House. Cmon y’all. He couldn’t fix all the problems but he showed us there’s ways to solve things and it begins and ends with DIPLOMACY.

Your heart is in your chest. But your heart is also in your beliefs. It’s in your teachers. It’s in your healers. It’s in your parents. Your heart is in your people. Your friends. Your heart is in your Tribe.

I don’t want to speak on heart in relationships and love and lust and all that in this book much.

I need to write a whole other book for that. So if you make it through this one and you paid the cover price for it and you show me the receipt I’ll automatically sign you up for a free copy of my second book. Probably limit it to the first 10k or some shit depending on if my publishers are jews or asians or whatever. Hah! just playin...I’m ethnically a Jew so I can say that shit. Just like only brothers can drop the N word. I can straight up be like “yo jews are hella smart but also hella cheap af” nah. To each their own. Every single soul is different and on its own path.

I will speak of my heart regarding my relationships just enough to tease you into what the next book will be about.

“Wonen” a book of first hand accounts about how their lives have been traumatized by the patriarchy and even the ideology of their own fathers. Now it might sound a bit harsh or controversial but I’ll explain it in the book. Of course no good dad would hate their daughters right?. But they might hate things their daughters do right? Or the guys they date? It’ll be on some new age breakdown of the Oedipus complex relating it to modern patriarchal psychology and the influence and soon to be loss of power over women by the abrahamic religions. All the major religions of the world are patriarchal. Even Buddhism. That breaks my heart. Why can’t women be equal? If not in reality not even in fantasy/mythology/religion? 

I had my heart broken a few times just like we all do. I’m not here to write sob stories about that. I’m here to write about the ways we can overcome the struggles that go along with all those times of doubt and self loathing and good old fashioned heart break.

One thing I need in a partner is heart. If you ain’t got the heart to stand up for people who can’t stand up for themselves, step aside. If you ain’t got the heart to stand up for yourself, step aside. If you ain’t got the heart to be engaged and an activist during our slide into white nationalist fascism, step aside. If you ain’t got the heart to be who you truly want to be regardless of what society thinks of you, step aside. If you ain’t got the heart to be a voice for the voiceless, step aside. If you ain’t got the heart to be a warrior, step aside.

Not just me. Not just what I need. What the world needs. Women like AOC. 

Only warrior women need apply. 

The world needs women who are willing to put their heart on the line. To put their truth to words and don’t edit or dumb them down but speak them as loudly and boldly as possible to the world. Women with heart. With huge hearts. 

Your heart is your heart. Protect it with everything you have and all of your might.

My heart has been broken a thousand times. 

My heart was broken when i watch friends and colleagues and others dwindle away and spiral down into alcohol and drug addiction. 

I wanted them to recover. I suggested rehab. Without a full intervention how can they truly know we care? 

My heart has been broken a thousand times. When my dog Amadeus died. When Trump got elected. When I saw the youth be so hurt and effected by mass shootings. 

My heart has been broken a thousand times. 

Luckily it heals. Yours will heal too. Trust me. One day at a time. 

 I don’t consider myself an addict of any type that I definitely was addicted to me I’ve been in many meetings at AA and NA to support family and friends and the serenity prayer has always stuck with me so I said to myself anytime I feel the need. 

Try it sometime: 

“GOD Grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”. 

My heart has been broken a thousand times. 

How about you? How many times has your heart been broken? I prefer not to focus on the kind from relationships. That kind of love had enough books and words written about it to line them up to go to sun and back. Maybe to the outer edge of the universe. 

How many times has your heart been broken? What from? We’re your parents divorced? We’re they both around? Did they make you feel loved? Did you have adopted parents? Did you lose a sibling? Have you lost some friends? 

These subjects bring up a lot of emotion. If you’re not in the right place emotionally or spiritually to do an inventory of this type of love and loss then please don’t. But if you are please do some work on yourself. Or just maybe decide to heal by forgiving anyone you think should be forgiven. Or forgive yourself. Or whatever it takes. But I’m my opinion it’s never a bad thing to heal your heart. 

My heart has been broken a thousand times. 

But my heart has been HEALED A THOUSAND TIMES TOO. 

  1. What are your doing for your heart (health) each day, week or month? 
  2. What regrets do you have about your heart from the first half of your life that you want to avoid or change for the second half?
  3. What is your favorite thing about your heart from the first half of your life that you want to continue for the second half? 
  4. What is one thing you see others do with/for their heart or for their body that you would like to do with/for yours? 
  5. What’s your favorite part of your heart and your least favorite part? 
  6. What makes you feel the strongest in your heart?
  7. What’s the most important thing this chapter has made you think about or feel or want to do regarding your heart? 
  8. What’s your own tips for yourself and others on maintaining a happy and healthy heart?


Chapter 4: Your Soul

Chapter 4 pre-summary

Your Soul is your soul. It always will be. Just be sure you don’t sell it or even lend it out to anyone else. No matter how high they bid.

Your soul is your soul. You only get one. 

Our souls are eternal. Eternal? Like infinite? Yeah. Like that. But that doesn’t mean they can’t get rented out by other forces or get clouded by other fields of energy in this dimension or in any other. So act wisely in matters that regard your spirit and religion and cults etc. they may seem like some fictional movie stuff but I believe that anything is possible and if that’s true that means anything could be real for anyone that believes its real. Catch my drift? Sorta like manifest destiny but for eternity. Like whatever we believe happens to our spirit when we die might happen right? Maybe the universe and life itself is it’s own self manifesting creation. Like maybe everything that’s alive has an energy inside it (spirit, soul, light, energy, ether, etc) and maybe that energy is universal as in it not only transcends our bodies but transcends lifetimes and dimensions and the space time continuum.

Your soul life living and loving and your soul wants you to be strong in your body, sharp in your mind, strong in your heart and balanced in your soul. 

I repeat the themes of two chapters in this book (body & soul). 

I purposefully repeat those two chapters because they’re different and share different purposes at different times in your life. 

I’m going to speak on your soul here but not your “spirit” much. We will dive deep into my feelings of how my soul works as a spirit later in the second version of soul discussion. 

This chapter I want to speak on the physical soul as in relation and reference to music and culture and life. If you ain’t got any soul you ain’t got much spark. If you ain’t got much spark you ain’t gonna light many fires in other souls hearts and minds and bodies. If you ain’t lighting up other people’s worlds then the world isn’t getting any brighter. If the world isn’t getting any brighter then it’s only staying the same or even worse just getting darker. 

We all have the ability to light up a room when we walk in without doing anything. How do we do it? When do we do it? How come it only happens when we are “in the flow”? Well that’s what this chapter is about. Your soul and spirit in the physical sense. Like your energy. 

We all know that person that lights up a room when they walk in. We know a few of them. Men do it less than women though. Why is that? Is it because they’re more toned down and not as pretty physically? Or is it because society weighs them down and has them more just walking through life and rooms rather than floating into them like women do when they’re happy and in the zone. Sometimes men light up a room. Usually it only happens when they’re “in the zone” with their body, mind, heart and soul. You see it. Not actual light is radiating off them but more an aura. Or an energy. A force field. An entourage of essence. Men can light up a room but only after they’ve DONE THE WORK. 

What’s  “the work” you ask? The work is what this book is about. Finding yourself. Allowing yourself to be free even when trapped by the normalities of society. Allowing yourself to experiment. Allowing yourself to be emotional and moody. Allowing yourself to get healthy and drop bad habits. Allowing yourself to find a purpose. Allowing yourself to find comfort in your friends and family. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable around people you love and trust that you know will not judge you. Allowing yourself to heal from your trauma of your past and never forget it hit to quit holding onto it like an anchor of pain. You don’t need to cut the chain because an anchor is a useful tool but learning how to harness its power and only use it when necessary like it’s designed for. Allowing yourself to feel loved and to love with your whole heart regardless of the fear of being hurt or cheated on or given up on or anything like that. Allowing yourself to feel fucking proud of yourself! You’re an accomplished man! Who cares about the other guys. Who cares about keeping up with the Joneses. You are good enough as you are and you’re only going to get better! 

Once you’re able to have a regimen of good things you’re doing for yourself on a daily basis and reinforcing in your mind that you are a good person with a good heart your spirit will being to shine and your soul will being to feel alive and your light will begin to light up those rooms. 

Confidence comes from not just feeling good about the way we look but about the way we feel. 


Some of the most beautiful looking people in the world are also the most insecure. Some of the most wealthy guys in the bar are also the most insecure. Money and looks and status and stature have nothing on a person who is right on the inside. A person who’s glowing with knowing they are a loving being and loved by those they care about shines brighter and more beautifully than anyone. That doesn’t mean you should look like a scrub. Dress for the occasion and know you can never be over dressed. I’ve ended up at house parties on a porch with a keg after an even still in my full suit and trust me a woman will never be mad about seeing a man wearing a suit. Just roll up the sleeves. 

So how do we attain that feeling? It takes work. Think of your body, mind, heart, soul work as any other job. How do you succeed at other jobs? Welp if you’re in event producer/director and a creative director and security director like me you have systems in place and routines and helpers/assistants. You have diagrams and spreadsheets and information to read. You have tools and production vans and trucks to transport your stuff. Logistics. And notes, reminders, alarm clocks to make sure things get done and on time. Or better yet like i prefer get things done early. Show up to the interview early. The meeting early. The practice early. Give yourself time to prepare. And when needed take time off to prepare. To rest. To meditate on something new. 

We all have ups and downs but taking steps and setting alarms and reminders to do things is what helps us do better than we are doing right now. I constantly text myself. I send myself reminders of important things. Then I don’t check or “read” the message so it stays unread to remind me. With anything. Errands or mantras. Logistics or just a text to remind myself to take a bath and meditate. 

Once you become a dad you can never have enough ways to remind yourself. Notes. Alarms. Self texts, emails, calendars. You name it. But fatherhood is the best. (Likely that will be it’s own book) 

Back to allocating our time to feeling good in our soul. 

So now you want to feel good? Use your ambition that you use for chasing women and use it for chasing yourself as well. Chase yourself all the way til you find your happiness. Or contentedness. Or whatever point you’re trying to get to. But do it daily and do it with purpose and work. Imagine if we all put as much work into ourselves as we put into all the other things in our lives. How beautiful would that be? 

I have this “mantra/prayer/meditation/motivational” saying that I created that I say every morning first thing when I wake up and every night when I lay down to sleep. 

I paraphrased some others to get one I like. And now I’m giving it to you. If you like it try saying it every day. I took a sharpie and wrote it on my mirror for years so that every morning I wouldn’t forget. I also taped it to the sun visor on my truck so every time I flipped it down there it was. 

Take it or leave it or customize it into your own. It’s up to you. But I can say with absolute 100% certainty it’s one of the things that’s helped me become the man I am now and to maintain a certain amount of “flow” or “light” or kept me “in the zone” all these years (7 now?) but during that time many ups and downs it still it helped me every single day maybe it will inspire you to do the same or write your own: 

Here goes: 

“I have love in my heart, abundance, opportunity, health and wealth flows to me and around me to OTHERS as we work prosper and SUCCEED in our dreams”. 

I only capitalized those words because I’m writing this book for “others” to read and I know in my heart of hearts it’s going to help some of you “succeed”. 

I don’t know if I light up a room sometimes when I walk in. But I do know when I do the work and I’m in the zone it sure feels like I do. 

I know when I walk into my local bar the Brig and I’m greeted with smiling faces and warm hearts and hugs that I’m definitely not NOT in the zone. 

Come by the Brig in venice sometime for a beer or a ginger ale on me. I’d love to see your light shining too. 

Your soul is your soul. Let it shine. 

  1. What are your doing for your soul (health) each day, week or month? 
  2. What regrets do you have about your soul from the first half of your life that you want to avoid or change for the second half?
  3. What is your favorite thing about your soul from the first half of your life that you want to continue for the second half? 
  4. What is one thing you see others do with/for their soul that you would like to do with/for yours? 
  5. What’s your favorite part of your soul and your least favorite part? 
  6. What makes you feel the strongest in your soul ?
  7. What’s the most important thing this chapter has made you think about or feel or want to do regarding your soul? 
  8. What’s your own tips for yourself and others on maintaining a happy and healthy soul? 

**notes and edits and additions 


Chapter 5: Your Body (sex this time) 

What concerns you and your body? 

Me? Sports, good food, diet, junk food, yoga, porn, donating my sperm, body hair, my bald head, my face and pimples and blackheads, maintenance,, manscaping, tattoos, sunburn, nails, toenails, athletes foot, moles, birthmarks, watches, jewelry, hats, clothes, shoes, etc etc. 

See. You get it. It’s not easy to be low maintenance. 

Wether we seem simple or not men are just as complex as women. We need just as much maintenance and upkeep. We have just as many body issues and self esteem issues. But we don’t voice them. We prefer to suffer in silence. I see it every day. Men choose to let their smoke and mirrors seem like they don’t worry about things like women do with their bodies but that’s completely false. Men spend just as much time in the bathroom working on things like beard, hair, nails, ears, toes, skin, eyebrows, nose hair, you name it. Men even wax and get areas waxed. 

Just because men act like robots and homogeneous beasts it doesn’t mean they don’t pamper themselves and also suffer with low self esteem or obsessive compulsive disorder or even anorexia and other body issues including just as many things to worry about as women. 

I think society just assumes we are low maintenance and don’t have as much anxiety or worries as women. But we aren’t and we do I think it’s an issue. 

Now that doesn’t mean I think barber shops should act like salons and men should use their barbers as a personal therapist and unload their issues in them while sitting in the chair. In fact the opposite. I feel like men should find solace in their nonexistent support groups and gathering places that don’t yet exist. 

**Que the forming of men’s groups here with plans and agebda

Where do men have places like that? Where do men go to be around other men they know and support each other? 

Bars, Saloons, Cocktail Clubs, Taverns, Pubs, Night Clubs, Dance Clubs, etc. 

You get the idea. And I FULLY SUPPORT THAT. Pubs and bars are like second homes. Community spaces. Shared joyous buildings. They’re great. I feel like a few beers with the boys and a night off to take the edge off life works for so many of us. It keeps us from disconnection. It keeps us United. Watching our favorite football team together or baseball team or the boxing match or mma. Whatever it is. It’s fantastic. It gives us community. It gives us an extended family. Some of my buddies I’ve met either in bars or who I go to bars with I would do anything for. And I have. As you know I’ve risked my life multiple times to save others. My apartment in Hollywood was on the second floor but it was right next to the wall and fence and I had climbed in the window when I locked my keys inside. I could’ve bailed on Benny. It didn’t even cross my mind. Why? He would do the same for me. He likely had while we were bouncers together. Not exactly the same but I know he wouldn’t hesitate a heart beat to do the same. It’s a code. A natural biological instinct to pick out your tribe and decide whether they are on your level or not. What does LDR call it? Ride or die. Know your friends. Know your enemies. Know your “brothers”. They’re 3 very different things that seem eerily the same at many different times. 

Friends. Enemies. Family. Three things that can all be the same thing ir extremely different. They can even be all three at the same time. That’s his complex life is. That’s how manipulative some people can be. 

This brings me to Andrew D. My former business partner. I won’t go into any details but those who know me, love me and trust me always warned me that they didn’t trust him. I did it anyways. I’m an optimist. I always give people a chance. You have one chance with me. That’s my rule as a security Director, door guy and security guard former bouncer. You make a disrespectful move? You do something stupid? You get one warning and one chance to correct yourself. Otherwise you’re out the door. I’ll ask nicely the first time when I ask you to leave. I’ll ask you to talk with me real quick outside. Just to get on the same page. Then I’ll let you walk out the door on your own accord. I’ll explain to you outside what I know about your behavior that isn’t acceptable on the premises of the establishment and that you’ll have to leave for the night but are welcome to come back another time. Depending on what you did. Then I’ll wish you a safe and good night. If you choose to not want to walk out on your own accord I’ll let you know your on private property and that I have the right to physically remove you from the premises and or arrest you for trespassing and any other offense that may have occurred that lead me to asking you to leave. Then if you choose not to I’ll let you know I’ll be notifying the local police of your trespassing and that to arrest you on the premises. That usually does the trick. Most men have either been to jail or atleast cuffed in the back of a cop car. It’s not fun. In fact it’s the worst and scariest feeling ever. True rage flares. True fear. At yourself mostly for doing whatever you did to get yourself there. I know. Trust me jail is a place you don’t ever want to go. Not for one night. Not a week. Not a month. Not a year. Not a decade. Never. Don’t do it. Just be respectful and walk away. Can’t count how many guys have called me out to fight over the dumbest things that ever exist and laughed in their face and WALKED AWAY. 

Except for the 8-10 other times I didn’t walk away. Well guess what? Even those times I beat up some bully it didn’t feel that great. Or that time I choked out a 6’5” 275 pound white guy for saying my mom was a Jew and all
Jews should’ve died in the holocaust. He chose the wrong half Jew. I saw red. I immediately grabbed his throat with my right hand and shoved him back to the wall lifting him onto his toes. I rammed my knee into his crotch and held him there choking him until two guys finally pulled me off him. Would I have killed him? Honestly I don’t know. Insulting my heritage is one thing. Saying that my mom shouldn’t have been around after the nazis to have me? Those were fighting words. That was an act of war. And I’m not joking when I say that almost happened. My mother’s grandparents fled Romania after World War I to New York City during the beginning of the Nazi empire and reign. They would’ve likely been killed or enslaved or taken to the camps. I don’t take it lightly when someone threatens anyone. I defend anyone I can that feels threatened in any way at any time. I’ve jumped into multiple fights when someone was outnumbered and pulled people off. I’ve defended others against bullies my whole life. But insult my family? Threaten my heritage who spoke clearly of the threat that lies in all men and a deep seated and misunderstood inbred hate of the Jewish people and ISREAL and you are starting a fight that I will finish. I’ve never been afraid of any other man that walks the earth and I never will. I had older brothers my whole life. Twice and three times my size. Their friends would fuck with me until I snapped. Until I saw red. Then they would regret it and all the sudden an 8 year old would be on top of them and they would be laughing but completely frightened at the same time. 

Boys are not men. But they can act like it sometimes. When our bodies are threatened or we feel fight or flight we become another animal. Our biological instincts take over and if we decide to fight instead of flight we grab the nearest weapon of any kind and we use it. Instinctually. It’s our nature. If we don’t have a weapon or chair or pool stick around we use our fists and hands and feet and knees. It’s our instinct to use our bodies for everything they’re designed to do. Our bodies take over. It Bec comes like a slow motion scene from the matrix. When you get a shot of adrenaline so huge that you’ve never experienced anything like that your entire reality shifts. When you see red or go into survival mode it’s like time slows down. And for all we know maybe it does. Maybe the time space continuum separates and shifts depending on the pull of energy at a particular moment. That or maybe adrenaline causes our brain to process things so much faster that the normal concept of tome we are used to is no longer relevant. Maybe the adrenaline is like a cape for a super hero. Or like the body shift for Incredible Hulk. Maybe we are all capable of our bodies doing amazing things we never thought possible. I know for sure we are. 

One time I was driving a taxi in in Tahoe and decided to go back and pick up a group of people who had one extra passenger. I had told them on the phone I could only care 6 other passengers and myself and they had 8. They begged me. It was already 2:15 am and the cab companies were book. Some of them were local knew it would be an hour for them to wait outside Jakes on the lake until another cab would get them. 

I had informed them the liability and that I couldn’t do it. There was only 6 other seatbelts. They begged me. I caved. I heard the girls in the background knew in my back of my mind they were more important to get home safe and sound than the young men. Why? Because girls and women’s bodies are always being threatened. Everywhere they go every single day there are boys and men either approaching them or gesturing or staring ir whateve at their bodies and face. They are like an angel but without wings. They can’t just fly away or float around in 4D. They have to physically be here constantly wanting to feel safe but many times daily feeling grossed out or even threatened by males nearby. It needs to change. Anyways I knew they’d be safer with me just getting them
Home then out on the streets. It could save them from driving drunk instead. That’s why I went back. It’s what I did. I always had. From 16 years old as soon as I could drive if I saw someone trying to drive off drunk or getting ready to leave I’d grab their keys and give them a ride or drive their car. Whatever it took. I knew at 15 how bad things could get and how wild and stupid people become when alcohol had its hold on them. When I was 16 . and I was living in Truckee two of my buddies went on a liquor run late at night in the middle of a snowstorm they showed back up one of them had been ejected out of the car window and his head was completely torn up my brother and I wrapped a towel around his head and drove them 20 miles down to Truckee in the middle of a snowstorm and got him to the hospital pretty sure we saved his life he think this like we had saved his life whenever we ran into him years after that My sister and so many others had died already from drugs and alcohol. Either directly from the alcohol and drugs themselves or from driving or something else involved. Too many. That doesn’t mean I didn’t make my own mistakes but I luckily survived. And by this time I was 35 years old. Married. 6 month old baby at home or wife still pregnant. Not sure the dates of that night but can tell you with absolute sertsinty I can remember it like a movie and that t plays back in my head regularly. Swim times you are directed towards a moment in life by circumstances too hard to deny that it wasn’t your destiny. 

Anyways I decided to go back and pick up the group of 8 at the lake in my taxi. It was a 4x4 Ford Expedition. Atleast it was a big regularly mai tended strong truck. 

I had felt this feeling in my gut that I needed to do it. Even though I didn’t want to. Always trust your gut. My gut speaks to me once and while Amd I know something major is about to happen am I clairvoyant? Or is my gut just always right? I don’t know but I’ll
Explain towards the end of this book that there are forces at work in this reality and on this planet in this universe that cannot be fully explained by anyone. But that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. 

I picked up the group of 8 on my way home. Or so I thought. My last ride for the night. Just drop them back in Truckee and gas up and drop my bank and then head home. A full other hour after driving for 8 hours a cab full of drunk and sometimes crazy people. 

I told the group I was picking up a group of people and that I was only picking up 6 people. I warned them there were only 6 other seatbelts and that I was going around the corner to smoke a cigarette and that when o came back there should be six people in the cab with their seatbelts on. And that was all I was liable for. If they stashed someone in the back or on the floor I wouldn’t know. I suggested anyone over 6 wait or call another taxi and or if they couldn’t get one I would come back. 

I care back and the cab was loaded. I had made myself slightly less liable. I had told them the laws and it was up to them if they broke them. That’s all I had available. 

I got it. I looked in the back and saw 6 heads. With 6 bodies and 6 seatbelts on. A guy next to me in the front passenger seat thanked me profusely. 

We started driving towards kings beach. Half of them were going back to north star area. 

Not 15 minutes into the drive I pull up to a scene from a movie. Atleast it looked like that. It was total chaos. But also completely calm. A telephone pole was busted in half and broken and fallen onto the two lane road blocking the road. Glass, branches and dirt were strewn across the road. 

Two men were standing across the road and a newer model Subaru WRX was wheels up smash off the side of the road into a the ditch and forrest and it was on FIRE. 6 foot flames engulfing the entire engine bay. 

I jumped out of the taxi  ran towards the car. There was a man trapped underneath it. He had ejected out the rear window when the car hit the telephone pole and flipped an arms over end sideways flip back onto its wheels snapping the pole in half. He was face up. I jumped down unto
The ditch. I ran to his side. I kneeled and picked up his hand with my left hand and reached to his neck to check for a pulse with my right hand. It was there. But faint. The flames of the engine on fire were lighting is up. I could see he was young. Maybe 25 most. He was a skater snowboarder like me. Swearing some skate shoes. I ran back to my taxi. There was a tiny fire extinguisher in the back. I grabbed it and ran back down. I knew it was futile but I tried it anyways. I doused the engine and it barely knocked it back for two seconds. I walked back and the girls burst into tears. One of them hysterically. He’s dead! His buddy was telling and screaming across the road. It was let true but we all knew he would be soon. So thought of his parents. Within seconds I decided we had to get him out from under the car before the gas tank blew up and burned him up. Nobody knew how much time we had. A minute? Seconds probably. 

Another car had stopped my now and there was 3-4 more guys. They said did I need help? I said yeah! Let’s get him out! They jumped down the ditch. The guys from my cab did too. And with seconds 7-8 random men lifted a Subaru wrx enough to get they guy out from under the car. We carried him up to the road and laid him down. I checked his pulse. Gone. But thank god he wouldn’t burn up. We looked down at the Subaru not 30 seconds later as it burst into flames. The gas tank blew perfectly timed like a scene from a movie. It wasn’t a movie though not was real life. The driver and his other friend in the passenger seat had their seatbelts on. His best friend in the back did not. 

Police sirens and lights were finally approaching. The passenger had been holding the driver back from seeing his bast friends lifeless body. They were drunk and he was in shock. He wasn’t wasted. Just drunk. Just past the limit for certain I went over to them and he screamed out to give him CPR and everyone collectively agreed there was no point. He was gone. His head had trauma none of us wanted to look at. His whole body had other broken bones. I’m guessing his neck broke during the ejection from the window. As the police arrived a local sheriff I told the passenger to hold him back. Protect him so that the sheriff didn’t have to take him to the ground. Ther sheriff walked up. No jogging even. Just walked up and identified that the man on the ground was DOA. Just by looking at us. He said who’s car is that? Mine! Why aren’t you doing CPR! He screamed. That’s my best friend! Help him! The sheriff obliged and walked over to his body and checked his pulse. 

He walked back over to the driver. 

He’s gone. That’s all it took and the guy fully lost it. 

He reached back and slapped the sheriff across the face. Full on slap as loud as a fire cracker. I’ve never seen ANYONE hit a cop like that. The cop was like a stone statue made of marble. He didn’t even flinch. 

I’ll never forget the bone chilling scream he let out. 


Another girl burst into tears. There was 15 people standing around this scene. Other cars stopped and pulling over. The power lines blocked the road both ways. 

After the slap the sheriff took a few steps back. The passenger continued to hold his buddy back. His arms and weight kept him in place. 

I saw the Sheriff put his hand on his gun. Too much for me. He loved the moment. He looked and me and I looked at him and he was feeling threatened by the kid. He was likely 23-25. Out of his mind. His buddy holding him back. He switched the gun to the taser and looked back at me. 

I moved. I was a bouncer and security guard 7 years and just knew how this situation went. He could either make commands to the kid that we all knew he wasn’t going to listen to them. Then it could get physical. Those were the only two options. The scary part is if it got physical the sheriff would have to protect his gun from getting taken by the kid. You never know what this arrest could turn into. The tension is the air was heavy. 

I moved forward. I stepped in between the officer and the driver. I looked him in the eyes and grabbed him by the shoulders and said “you need to calm down.” He looked me dead in the eyes with the most scared and sad eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. 

He was in shock. His life was over. He was definitely going to prison for a little while and we all knew it. 

I let him have a few more seconds then his buddy and I kind of hugged him. We held him in a brotherly embrace as i turned him and around slowly brought both his arms behind his back. We turned him all the around and I motioned the sheriff to come over and handcuff him. He did. And sat him down on the ground. 

I turned to the group of people from my taxi. Finally the fire trucks and ambulance arrived. Sheriff had already radioed DOA so they were in no hurry. They walked and attended to the driver. 

A couple of passengers got back in the cab. 

One of the girls walked up to me and asked me “how the fuck did you do that?!” 

I said “ I don’t know. Let’s go.” 

I loaded them back in and I turned off the taxi meter. It had been running that whole time and it was already at $35 or something. 

I turned off the radio. I asked if everyone was ok. There was near silence. 

I started the cab. I said “ nobody is giving me a dollar tonight”. I’m getting you people back to where you need to go and that’s it. Ya going to be a long ride because we have to go the other way around the lake. The power lines would be down for hours. 

It was silent. We drove. The smell and weight of death was in the air for those of us who know it and recognize it. 

One guy said he had dropped his phone when we were down the ditch. He was freaking out. It was a new iPhone he said. These were all middle class white people. They stole him they’d go back in the morning and look for it and to chill out. He wouldn’t shut up and was whining and complaining. We all knew we weren’t going back to look for his stupid ass phone in the dark next to a car on fire. 

Finally I snapped. He hadn’t stopped talking about it. 

I said loudly and forcefully. “Look man sold guy just fucking DIED. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AVOIT YOUR PHONE. YOU WILL GET ANOTHER ONE TOMORROW.” 

He shut up. It was 2 more hours before I got everyone home. 

When I dropped off my last passenger I called my wife. Heather I said. I just had the gnarliest night. I told her the short version. 

She told me to be safe. To stop and get caffeine and then get my ass home. I finally did. 

It was 5am. Maybe 6am. I walked in they were asleep. Her and my baby boy. 

I got in the shower. The smell of death was all over me. I bagged up my clothes. I showered for a long time. 

Somebody had just lost their body. His spirit was fine. In fact his spirit had probably been watching at peace. But not his family. 

A mother had just lost a son. A father maybe his only son. Siblings had lost their brother. 

Nobody knows when we will die. Nobody knows how or why. But we do know how we can avoid it. We can think about things before we do them. 

Thank god for Uber, Lyft and yeah I guess Taxis. If I hadn’t decided to go back and take that last ride that night that night would’ve never happened for me. But my gut had told me to. I have multiple stories similar to this. I’ve been first on scene of atleast 4-5 accidents. But I think more llke 5-6. It happens when drive as much as I do. 

But that night was different. That night will forever remind me how precious life's mistakes can be. 

Don’t drink and drive gentleman. I mean a beer per hour or something like that? Fine. But you know what I’m taking about liquor? Shots? Nope. Draw the line. Every single time. 

Your body is your temple.

Your body is your temple. You only get one. Make sure you take care of it. Now when I say that so many times through this book I’m not saying you have to be some gym rat. Not at all. Just take enough care of it that it feels good to be in it. You’re stuck in your body. Atleast for now. Might as well make it nice. 

Your body is your body. Is there anything more important? With that said I think vegans and diet nazis are crazy. Look at people like Steve Jobs a full organic vegan with access to the highest quality foods and tonics in the world yet dies of cancer with a full head of hair that wasn’t even grey yet. Many people believe food is the most important thing for you’re body. They’re WRONG.

Exercise is the most important thing for your body and every single doctor in the world will agree.

You see our bodies are like and engine. The engine needs gasoline to run right? Food is like the gasoline for your body. But does it make that much difference if you fill it up with 91 premium every time? Or can you buy 87 when gas prices are way up and still have your engine run fine and last the way it’s supposed to? Yep. That’s right. Moderation is key my brothers and sisters.

With that said we all should eat well rounded and balanced diets of veggies, fruits, lean meats and fish and eggs of high quality and free range and organic when possible. But would being stuck eating cafeteria lunches be ok for one meal of the day for kids? Damn right. Why?

Our bodies are engines. They take the fuel. They burn it up and use what they need and push out the rest and what they don’t just like the exhaust/tail pipe of a car.

When does your body need more food? When you exercise more. Want to eat more yummy foods? EXERCISE MORE.

I’m a perfect example of moderation in all things.

Once I was in a relationship with an amazing Cancer woman (who I love to death still but more as a sister/warrior/revolutionary/colleague now) and she fell in love with me. And she found out the secret to my heart was through my stomach. So she cooked for me. She still does sometimes. And I ate it. All of it. All the time. And I gained weight! But what else caused it? I was being lazy. In fact I was also being depressed. So one day when I started to really notice it after seeing a picture of myself from a pool party I said no more.

Not that I would ever give up her loving and caring soulfood home cooked meals. NO WAY.

I went and grabbed my bike. That same day. I peddled it across Venice to Golds Gym. I walked in and signed up. I normally had a membership at a local gym my whole life. It’s never ok to go more than a few months without working out unless health issue or injuries etc. you don’t have to work out that hard and you don’t have to work out that often. Even 2-3 days per week and one hour per day. That’s it!! That’s only literally 3 hours per week! We spend ten times that on fucking social media!

Golds gym happened to be having a 90 day challenge special and the guy said he’s gonna give me three free training sessions with it. So they measured me and photographed me and weighed me and then I did my first session and then started going back 3 days per week.

Keep in mind I was in my early 30’s already and was 15 pounds over my preferred weight.

I was still eating like a king. We would ice cream neatly every night after dinner in bed. Ftw. She’s French 

So I would work out for an hour a couple muscle groups. Nothing crazy. 3 sets. 10 reps each. 5-6 different movements and that’s it.

Well it worked. After 6 weeks I was down 8 pounds and looked and felt better. And sure as shit by the end of 16 weeks (90 days) I made my challenge weight and also dropped 6% body fat.

That’s really all it takes y’all. Give yourself the motivation you need. It won’t come from anywhere else. You have to literally just force yourself out the door. Get on the bike or in the truck or car or just jog there if you can. Sign up. Start of really slow and medium to light weight and add weight each week.

That’s it! I still ate ben & jerrys every night! You can do it! In fact I’m making an agreement with my publisher that for every guy that buys a copy of this book they are guaranteed the first moth free at their local gym or ymca or any kind of work out place and that the purchase of this book is either credit or a voucher for that to happen.

One thing I will mention about how when I was super skinny growing up is that boys can be extremely self conscious of under developed muscles etc and later puberty etc. so if you notice in any way that you are be the saint that my older brother Lee was for me and make a statement (which I found out was true btw) like one day when I think I was around 13 and had not kept up with my other friends and athletes weight and muscle development he said the most simple thing that saved my adolescence. I’m sure he had known exactly what it would do for me at the time too. He said “dude, just so you know not all chics are into buff fact I know there’s a lot of girls that are only into skinny guys” and then he walked away. It was like a hand grenade had just blown up in my heart. In a good way! My heart exploded that very day with the new knowledge that girls could be into my tall, lanky and random body. I had known that it was possible but our culture is absolutely diseased with its infatuation of beauty standards that thank god that has finally begun to change. He also helped me realize the only way I was going to gain that muscle I wanted was to eat way more. And to eat way more protein and healthy fats.

FEED YOUR BOYS YO! I’m dumbfounded by how many Americans don’t under basic athletic style diet needs. Well michael Phelps finally helped change that. Did you know he ate 20,000 calories per day during his full training sessions? Yep. Straight up. His diet won him those medals. Just like the engine of the car it will stop running if it runs out of gas. So feed your men. Feed your boys. Feed them daily as much as they can eat (atleast until they turn 30) as long as they’re getting exercise that food will just turn to muscle or energy.

Also any type of exercise is good exercise. If you hate the gym just run and do push-ups and pull-ups. Or just go to the parks that have those work out stations placed around the park. Do multiple exercises until you sweat and continue sweating for 30-45 minutes and you’ll be fine! More than fine. Sweat is fat cells crying. Literally melting fat cells in every bead of sweat.

Any type of exercise is fine. Riding a bike. Rowing a boat. Hiking. Just walking is extremely important. Walk a few extra miles per day for 6 months straight and see how much better shape you’re in how much more energy and stamina you have. How much more sex drive and how much better sleep. Keep going back! It works!

So why is diet important though? Well you wouldn’t put gasoline that was mixed with some other random shit in the gas tank of your car right? Same with the body. We can deal with food that might not be top shelf from time to time but if we put too much toxic stuff inside it’s going to fuck our bodies up.

That’s why we need to limit the drugs too. Or just don’t do them at all! Done! Ezpz as my mentor and lifelong friend Alex would say...

Not that simple though. They’re every where and peer pressure is some REAL ASS SHIT. People are going to offer you drugs and even pressure you to do them from likely as early as 12/14 years old til your an old ass man at a concert with your grand kids. It’s just the way it is. So it’s better to learn early how to deflect the peer pressure and circle it back so people don’t feel offended by your rejection when you turn down their key bump of blow or you pass on their molly dip. One way I react is by saying “no but thanks, I’m good”. Or in reverse “I’m good thanks”. I have probably said that exact phrase a THOUSAND TIMES. I don’t think anyone has ever been offended. It’s that simple. No judgement. I fully support decriminalization of all drugs further support all research and access to all drugs in moderation and rational use for ceremony and medicinal healings. Most the time people just offer to be cordial and to share. Politely saying no thank you just leaves more for those who are partaking. Win win. 

Here it is. Sex. Finally right!! Like omg Beau I’ve been waiting for you to get to this topic. Well I’m sorry to let you down but this is all I have to say. 

I love sex. I think it’s the most beautiful thing a human can experience besides the birth of their child (which is an after effect of sex) 

It’s great exercise. It’s fantastic for your body, mind, heart, soul. 

Here’s the thing though. If you ain’t making love then you’re just fucking. 

If you’re just fucking that’s fine. But when you make love you can go to a place that’s like no other. You can elevate your kundalini and you can go deep into your breath and you can basically reach an enlightened state all while both feeling intense pleasure. 

But that don’t happen with someone you’re just fucking. So try tantra. Or don’t. But Know its like the difference between jumping on a trampoline and sky diving. It’s fine if you just feel like fucking and jumping up and down on a trampoline. But once you’re ready. Once you find a woman that’s deep and connected to her body and practices yoga or meditation and stays healthy and in her body you might want to jump out of that plane and sky dive all the way into tantra. You won’t be disappointed. You’ll be flying through pleasure. You’ll be enlightened. 

**on sex
Last year I had sex exactly eight times in the entire year. Not in one week. In the year. 

The year before that I think was about 10. Mainly because I don’t like dealing with dating bullshit and I would rather either hang out with my son or shoot pool. 

I’m dry this year so far so it looks like it may be about the same average of once every two months. It’s too bad because check this out: 

10 Health benefits of sex!!
1 . Having sex relieves headaches. Every time you make love , it releases the tension in the veins of the brain.
2 . A lot of sex can clear the stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine . It helps to fight against asthma and spring allergies .
3 . Making love is a spectacular beauty treatment. Scientists have discovered that when a woman has sex , it produces a large amount of estrogen that gives shine and softness to hair.
4 . Sex is one of the safest sports. Make love often strengthens the muscles of male and female body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps in the pool and there is not need special shoes!
5 . Make love slowly , smoothly and in a relaxed way reduces the chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and acne . The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow .
6 . Lovemaking can burn all the calories you have accumulated during the romantic dinner before bedtime. 
7 . Sex is a divine remedy for depression. It releases endorphin's into the bloodstream , creating a state of euphoria and leaving women and men with the feeling of being unique.
8 . Sex is the tranquilizer and muscle relaxant to a safer world . It is a thousand times more effective than Valium .
9 . Sexually active body releases more pheromones. .
10 . Kissing each day will keep you more time away from the dentist . Kissing is an art which makes the cleaner teeth and saliva reduces the amount of acid that causes tooth decay . This prevention eliminates many problems , in addition to offering a breath constantly renewed !

Here’s something you don’t hear everyday. 

This is a major problem. I’ve heard of boys 13-14 trying to have sex with girls and not even kissing or touching or anything first. They go straight to sex. It’s sad. Porn has ruined romance. It’s ruined the innocence of first love. There’s no exploring their bodies and exploring first base to second base etc. they just pull out their junk. Sucks. Also they don’t understand the difference of making love vs. fucking. So sad. I’ve talked to so many guy friends that have said they’ve dated women too who were completely addicted to porn and porn style sex and the guys wanted a more love making session once and a while but the women were addicted to the rough stuff. So they left them and found women who were more into yoga and tantra. We need more discussion about this.


Lots to contemplate here. Lots of women to give power to their voices. 

That’s for the next book. I’ll be interviewing dozens of girls and young women. I don’t want to write a book by a man about women. But I mean if this book sells I’d be an idiot to not follow it up with a book called “Women.” Right? 

So that’s it. This book is called “Men.” and my second book is called “Women.”The book is called “Women.” And it’s about women and for women and it’s going to very controversial. But since it’s mostly first hand accounts by women of their own experiences it’s going to be discussed bi-laterally and universally. 

I am just going to help bring out the topics I think will be most productive to contradict our current society and to help our society evolve into ending the patriarchy. 

The concept is a new introspective look into the patriarchy and how men program their own daughters to be subservient to men and second class starting at young ages and then especially during puberty and high school age. 

Why are men constantly saying “when my daughter starts dating I’m going to be waiting on the front porch with a shotgun”? Or something similar to that old adage? And why is that accepted as the norm? Is it because they’re just being protective? If so why don’t the fathers protect their sons from losing their virginity as well? Why do they choose to treat their daughters as property of which they get to decide who, what, when and where they begin or have their have first sexual experiences. Why are their purity balls only for girls? Where do men get off manipulating young girls into feeling that their body is something to be judged or controlled by anyone other than themselves? 

My take is that it's completely archaic and non-sensenical psychological manipulation for a man to traditionally control his daughter at the age of their first sexual encounters by threatening their boyfriends and waiting on the porch with a shotgun. (Not all dads just spitballing cultural stigma) When in reality that dad is speaking directly to the subconscious of their daughter and telling them that they are to be controlled, manipulated and personally chosen to be objects of sexuality for men. Not only that to be threatened by men starting with their very own father with the fear violence against their first love. The father is supposedly acting that way to protect their daughter from the “big bad boyfriend” and instill fear in him as well that it may be necessary for violence to occur in order for him to have sex. So that dynamic is creating the idea that the father owns the daughter unless he chooses to sell or trade her virginity to the man or boy he chooses and if he chooses not to then that boy or man would likely encounter violence or have to resort to violence to get past the father. 

What if that that father is subconsciously or even consciously threatening their own daughter with violence that if she were to lose her virginity then he would treat her differently? I find this whole concept to be extremely unhealthy. I find it to be extremely propagating of control, manipulation, codependency and even borderline incestuous behavior. 

This is one section of youthful experience that is somewhat normalized by our patriarchal. The book in itself would be first hand accounts of young women and women of all ages on how they feel about the patriarchy and how their father treated them and how they feel we should forward. 

Am I the only person that finds these social norms and psychological manipulations to be extremely disturbing? 

Fathers are you sure that you feel you want to continue that dark and twisted and disturbing right of passage? Or should we just end it and evolve with one generational shift? 

I mean I was circumcised and researched it abd decided it wasn’t the right thing for my son and with one generation ended an old and destructive tradition. So can we as fathers end other useless traditions right now. 

Speaking of father’s and family….welcome to chapter 6. 


Chapter 6: Your Family

Your family isn’t just your next of kins. Your family is more complex than that. 

Your family is your parents, divorce, siblings, step parents, grandparents, cousins, extended family, step siblings, aunties, uncles, god parents, god cousins, step cousins, many consider their friends or neighbors or teachers or other close people to be family. Sometimes businesses or sports teams or local gathering places can be like family and relationships there within many parameters can last a lifetime. Even span generations. 

Your family is yours. For better or for worse. You’re stuck with them.

But really you’re not. If your family is abusive in any way, physically, emotionally, verbally, etc. give them one chance to stop and to change them either call the police and social services authorities or LEAVE and never go back unless they have changed. Which let’s face it y’all. Only a few people ever change. And those that do deserve praise. Those that don’t? Fuck them.

I’m going to get real deep here for a minute so bare with me.

Statistics on rape, child abuse and sexual assault are staggering as they are bleak but in all honesty they’re completely lower than reality. The MAJORITY of victims both child abuse and molestation and adults never tell anyone or never report it. It’s a tragedy. It’s an epidemic and it’s GOING TO CHANGE.

Let’s confront the biggest problem with our epidemic rape/molestation culture.

The biggest problem is most child abuse is done by either a family member or a person close enough to the child to be trusted by friends and family.

Scary. Frightening. Devastating. BUT TRUE.

How do we solve this problem? I see no options other than to first provide safety and security measures to ensure children are protected not just in public and schools but even in their own homes and community. Second end the patriarchy. And I mean end it all the way. Banish religions from having any influence over any society. Don’t ban the private practice of religion. But ban it from having any influence over the public or society in any public setting in general.

All religions force people to conform to things. Wherever it is. Whatever the parameters if it’s a religion it’s basically a cult. Just bigger.

Think about this for a minute: The concept of a father “giving his daughter away” is so disgustingly archaic and patriarchal that I never realized how bad it is. Why doesn’t a mother “give her son away” at the wedding?? Because women never owned anything let alone their off spring. Yet men sold their daughters and in many parts of the world they still do. Even here. In America. In 2019. How sad is it that women have only been able to vote for less than 100 years? And their dads still “give them away”. That shit is nasty and has to go. Patriarchy is so weird and incestuous.


There’s millions of fantastic and loving fathers who raise their children with equal freedom and love and support boys and girls equally. I found a post one tome by mom blogger Kristina Kuzmic to be fresh and supportive of dad’s and single dads.: 

I’ve been occasionally asked to create videos mocking dads. ThoughI I realize that making dads look like incompetent, childish idiots is pretty popular on the internet (and the media in general) I will never do it and here’s why... 
1. For the same reason I wouldn’t mock moms. I’m rooting for all parents.
2. Because I don’t think mocking people will make them step-up and do a better job. It will only cause them to do even less. (As I’ve said before: Feeling like a loser has never helped anyone thrive in life.)
3. I have sons who might someday decide to be dads, and I refuse to create any content that would make my boys think that men are less capable than women of being great parents or homemakers.
No parent is perfect. That goes for both moms and dads. And if men talked about moms the way women talk about dads, it would be considered completely unacceptable. So let’s make it unacceptable to label an entire gender as inadequate. 
And dads, please know that you matter!! #FathersDay
-Kristina Kuzmic 

Her post was in reaction to the cliche and normalized making fun of dad’s as being incompetent with babies and rearing of children which is patently false. But just like people make fun of the midlife crisis they too make fun of men in many other situations as a cultural norm. Those of us who live as engaged and committed dad’s or single dad’s don’t find it funny. In fact kts hurtful. 

Back to the patriarchal religions and how many family dynamics still today revolve around the father having more power than the mother wether through religious, financial, psychological, emotional, or even physical control. 

I support ending the patriarchal ideology. I believe it’s one of the main components of why our society is failing. 

In Europe men are not laughed at or mocked or looked down upon for taking paternity leave. In fact it’s provided by law for men to take time off to bond with their children and have time to process fatherhood. Why is that not available here? Why was I expected to go right back to work the day after my son was born? Why do our taxes not go to things like they do in Europe where men automatically get paid time off for paternity leave for 6 months and up to TWO YEARS. 

Maybe just maybe the stress men carry around and emotional burden of having to jump back into work causes so many marriages to fail and or even turn violent? 

Why are the statistics for domestic violence so much lower in Europe? Why are statistics for family violence so much lower in Europe? Why are the statistics for workplace violence so much higher in America? 

78% of Americans (who work/non-trust funders) live paycheck to paycheck. Let that sink in. 78%...

There’s around 600,000 to 700,000 homeless Americans and around 18,000,000 million VACANT homes. 

The other 22% own more than that 78% combined and the top 1% own more than the other 99%. 

The 22% and the 1% own the 18 million vacant homes. 

Something has got to give or eventually the saying “eat the rich” won’t just be a saying. 

We are quickly headed towards dystopia.

Our country has NEVER seen this kind of division of wealth. Dumb white people want to blame it on immigrants. Smart people know that is not why we are here. We are here because the 1% is in control of every level of our government through lobbyist and special interests. 

Enough is enough. Hopefully by the time you’re reading this something has changed for the better. Hopefully someone like Bernie Sanders is president who wants to lift up the working and middle class and make corporations and the 1% pay their fair share to level the playing field. 

This is what Europe has done and they’ve seen their quality of life far surpass ours while still maintaining a free and equal opportunity democratic society. Maybe we should follow their lead? 

Maybe if we had more opportunity and better paying jobs and could provide for our families we would be happier and healthier to begin with? 

Maybe much of the violence in America has to do with the over working and under paying and over stressing of men without any time or place to self care and to heal and to process their emotions? 

Religion can be a great calming in force in many men’s lives and I fully support religion to exist. 

It’s fine for religion to exist. So long as it does so peacefully and never threatens or oppresses or bullies or straight up murders other people (ie islam). So they can practice behind closed doors or in the privacy of their home but disallow them to instill their hypocritical non-sense from the sidewalks. From everywhere. Religion is your personal relationship with god right? Cool. Then shut the fuck up. Put your holy books back on your book shelves and stop knocking on our fucking doors trying to blame us and condemn us for your hypocritical non-sense. Really. I’m serious. Ban religion from all public existence. Atleast ban the use of any public solicitation and public chastising of “non-believers” etc. 

Or don’t. But just know drastic times call for drastic measures.

Next we need to create safe ways for children and adults to notify authorities of abuse.

Do you think it would be easy for an abused child to pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1 and report an abuse to them by a family member? Sounds nearly impossible. It would take one brave little kid and I would put them on a tv show explaining how they were able to do it and how others should and have that tv show repeat over and on every different channel in the world.

I suggest we have peer groups that get together and partner up and tell each other secrets but tell them if they feel like they want that secret to be reviewed by an adult then it would be. How much safer would they feel by telling a friend in school they know and trust rather than an adult? And that friend gets the honor of being the mediator between the abused child and the teacher/counselor/therapist etc and the police or authorities?

I think it would help millions of children be comforted and welcomed to confront their traumas and seek JUSTICE which is what the world needs now more than anything.


I also believe we need to put women’s rights and needs on the forefront of our entire civilization to create the ripple effect into the oppressed women of the third world. The revolution begins with us. Let’s help women and girls rise to total freedom and equality.
Here’s some facts:
1 in 5 women in the US will be raped in their lifetime
22% of females raped are under the age of 12
300000 women are impregnated against their will annually
Percentage of rapists who are never incarcerated: 97%
This would not exist in a society with women equally in power.
This is what I propose:
1st conviction minimum: 15 years in prison.
2nd conviction minimum: 30 years in prison and chemical castration.
3rd conviction minimum: life in prison and physical castration.
This would not end rape but it would sure as hell change the likelihood.
These light sentences are going to be creating vigilante justice. I already heard many people on social media threaten to kill Brock Turner. Eventually the people will turn to their own form of justice is the justice system continue to be inept.

Next we need to end sexual harassment. Flirting is NOT HARASSMENT.

I hate when men become so reactionary to women just wanting to not be harassed. It’s never going to be illegal for you to ask a woman out. Or to give a woman a hug properly. It’s just not going to happen. So don’t react and say stupid shit. 



It’s time we criminalize this type of idiotic behavior and out higher standards on boys and men in all walks of life.

Think about if you want your daughter to get on social media and post a picture of herself at the beach and the check her inbox and find a bunch of strangers genitalia and crude comments. 

Is that something you want? I sure as hell don’t. 

Now that’s going to make sexting or sending pics to someone you’re involved with illegal. Just don’t send them to strangers. And don’t say crude things to them. When you meet a woman introduce a gentleman. Treat everyone you meet with respect. Equally. That’s the definition of being a man. 

The definition of being a man is owning who you are, the strengths and the weaknesses. The flaws and imperfections. The good and the bad and averaging it all out to a place where you can treat every single person you meet with equal respect and dignity. 

That doesn’t mean you need to kiss anyone’s ass. It doesn’t mean you need to be condescending. It doesn’t mean you can’t defend yourself or anyone else. Anytime someone disrespects you or threatens you or tries to hurt you? That’s a different ball game. 

But let’s together as a species (men). Let’s collectively agree that it’s time to bring back the ways of the gentleman and start to raise our boys to respect girls and women. To respect their autonomy. And to respect all people. 

Families and parents need to be at the forefront of ending the patriarchy and merging it with a matriarchy so that we finally evolve to just one thing: HUMANITY. just human beings all treating each other respectfully and equally. Now that won’t end tradition or family dynamics or sexual power dynamics or anything like that. It will just level the playing field of life for girls and women who deserve equal pay for equal work. Equal opportunity for executive positions. Equal respect and an equal share in all walks of life. 

It starts in the family first. If men are held to a higher standard they will I’m turn hold their sons to a higher standard and down the line it will go. Soon men won’t be able to get away with sending dick pics to a woman or girl online because it will be illegal and no longer an accepted form of sexual assault. It will be what it really is. A crime against women. A flasher on the street who pulls out his penis is arrested immediately and taken to jail for lewd behavior or whatever the misdemeanor charge is per city and county. So too will men be held to that standard through text and online. 

It starts with the family but it ends with jail time. So fathers should have a checklist of things they are discussing with their sons and at certain ages more things are added to the checklist. 

I’ll have a sample checklist at the end of the book of core values, principles and character traits I’m already insisting my son keep up with and will be reinforcing though it his youth. 

Here’s a starting list that will continue much further in the afterward section of the book and work sheets: 

1. Lead by example. Boys need a role model, someone in their life they can look up to and learn from. Be the change, be the guide by just livening. It important to be an example but it’s also important to explain things to youth so they understand. 

2. Make eye contact. I expect boys and girls to walk into a room with confidence, shake someone’s hand and look them in the eye. Making eye contact helps build self-confidence. 

3. Be Polite. Every gentleman uses the words “Please”, “Thank you”, “Excuse me”, “Can I help you?” and they even know when to say “I’m sorry.” If kids demand something, I tell them to ask again nicely. It’s all in the tone and I never let them get away with talking nasty. Politeness goes a long way in life. We all like to feel respected. 

4. Give up your seat. Many times I’ve been on a bus, train, or place where seating was filled up. Any time A pregnant woman or woman over my age walked onto the bus or train or filled seating I automatically stood up and gestures for them to have my seat. 100% of the times I’ve done that they have taken my seat. I’ve offered my seat to women my age or younger as well but many times they have politely declined with a smile and gesture of mutual respect. Older women appreciate this type of love and respect for community so much. I’ve done it while here in the states and over seas to any country I’ve ever been. It’s universal. You can truly love your neighbors without even knowing them simply by gestures and behavior like this. 

5. Acknowledge their actions. I make sure when I see kids doing something nice or polite to tell them how proud I am of them. I want them to know what they did was good and that this is the type of behavior myself and others respect and appreciate. 

6. Help others. I tell my son and kids that even though someone may seem like they don’t need help, it’s always nice to offer it.  Just like when kids help me carry in groceries and open the door for me, I make sure to tell them that I appreciate their help. They need to know when they make a gesture it’s noticed. 

7. Table manners. I suggest always make sure kids sit up in their chairs, don’t use their hands to eat unless ttheyre young and it’s finger foods, and keep their elbows off the table if it’s that type of table. This is still a work in progress, but we aren’t going to just give in to modern life. We don’t need to be rigid and every situation is different. Some can be very casual and so act accordingly. 

8. Good work ethic. Of course kids think money grows on trees, so we try to show them that you need to work hard to earn money. I’m proud to say they are always eager to grab their tools and help around the house. My son loves to work as he’s a Taurus like me. So do his extended family friends etc. We do reward them for their hard work and this keeps them excited for the next project they can help with. Money, toys, snacks etc. 

9. Respect all people: this is an important one to respect all people you meet and treat all people equally. (Unless that person shows disrespect to you or threatens you etc) then proper action must be taken usually by leaving or walking away. But you must always greet people and treat them at first 
with mutual respect and honest and open dialogue. 

10. Act like a gentleman. Open doors for all women. Hold the doors til they walk in. Let them walk in before you. Open their car door first. Women like to be treated with respect. These gestures simply respect their presence. It’s in no way patriarchal or anything like that. It’s simply saying with minute gestures that their presence is noticed, appreciated, and respected as a sign of admiration for being carried, birthed, reared, fed, raised and cared for by the women in our own lives. Do all of them: walk on outside street side of the sidewalk. Always. Hold their hand or offer your arm when crossing the street or walking on uncertain ground. Ask to carry heavy items for women. Ask if they need help or want assistance in any way. Protect them. Honor them. Respect them. 

11. Keep their word. When you say you’re going to do something do it. Every time. When you’re going to be late. Call or text and let them know. Don’t make an excuse. Be honest. 

12. Watch over those who are younger or weaker than you. Never be too big for the small. This is a big one for me. I’ve always fought bullies and put them in their place wether physically or just verbally. Teach your kids to protect others especially those who are unable to protect themselves. And teach them self defense and to teach others self defense in turn. 

13. Show respect for those who are older than you. Look them in the eye and shake their hand. Listen to what they have to say. Also show respect for those younger than you. Make allies not enemies. When a younger kid is acting disrespectful let them know how to act. They will respect you for it and they will see you as a leader. 

14. Be bold. As a lion. A righteous man doesn’t need be shy about what’s right. Be loud if necessary. A lion doesn’t concern himself with the business of sheep. Be a leader but be fair. And when you’re not in a leader position respect who is and respect authority and police and law enforcement. In general they are there to help. If they disrespect you or treat you unfairly or with brutality get witness testimony and get lawyer and file a lawsuit and hold them accountable. 

15-25 continued in worksheet section at end of book. 

Now that we’ve covered when kids need to be informed of how to behave and how  families can be bad and behavior can cause drama let’s cover when families can be good.

Who’s going to take care of you and make you soup when you’re sick?? FAMILY.

I Know because I ate my mom’s homemade chicken soup just tonight. (RECIPE INCLUDED AT END OF THIS CHAPTER) Nursing strep throat. Ugh. It’s healing me. That’s what home cooked food does. It not only fuels your engine body but it heals your soul and soothes your emotions and strengthens your heart.

Family is FOREVER. Even if you end up estranged from your family it’s still forever. We are biologically connected to our family regardless of philosophy or ideology or politics. Sadly many times we disagree and it leads to disintegrating families. Or splintering families. Or fighting families. Or even the worst one of all: dead families.

It doesn’t need to be that way. We need to provide easier ways out. Instead of men going crazy from the pressure of their job and family and whatever else it is that drives those certain men to kill their whole families and then kill themselves we need to provide escape plans. That don’t let them get that far over the edge to begin with. Do you think in some of the cases of those murder suicide situations by the dads they might’ve not snapped and done that if they had a group other dads around that was willing to stop the madness of pretending that men aren’t allowed to cry and that men need to provide everything for everyone all the time and that men need to be all of the things they’re feeling pressured to be? Like a place they go to not just sit around and talk about their stress and their disappointments but a place to go to truly heal? With the help of others but more importantly themselves?

How do we create these places? By gathering men that want to do good for other men that have resources and asking them to pitch in to fund a “reverse midlife crisis center”. And what do those places look like? Well really they could be one guys garage. Or a backyard or a studio or anything really. Just somewhere to go where they can let down the heavy burden our society puts on them and share ways to heal, relax, adapt, grow, physically, mentally, spiritually and most important psychologically.

Remember my idea for kids in junior high and high school to have one day off a month to themselves with the pressure of anything to do that day other than what is healthy and good for them?

Well that needs to continue though college and adults and even into old age.

Let’s just call it “ourselves day” and make it a National LAW.

It’s really not that far fetched. In Spain and many Latin countries they take “siesta” and that’s every god damn day of the week. We’re just asking for one day out of the month here.

So who’s the most important person in your life?

As a man this answer should automatically go: My wife or partner, my children and then My Mother. Your Husband or partner if you’re a gay man but this book is mainly directed at straight men 18-39 years. That’s what I am. That’s what I’m sharing stories about being and that’s the experience I have to speak of. 

So who is the most important person in my life? 

My wife. Well technically she’s my ex wife. For whatever it’s worth I still love her. Am i still in love with her? Probably not. But the fact that we fell in love, got pregnant, got married, built a house and made it a home and developed our careers together doesn’t just disappear when you get a divorce. 

She’s still the most important person in my life. Why? Because she’s the mother of my son and always will be. I fully expect her to remarry and have a new husband someday and a new life that I’m a very small part of. 

She will still even then be the most important person in my life. When she’s happy, my sons happy. When my sons happy I’m happy. Pretty simple equation. Does that mean I’ve been a perfect ex husband? No. I’ve said hurtful things and reacted from pain and loss but I never let it get to a dark place. I never let it get the best of me. I apologized for anything I said and did and we moved on. She’s in a good place and that makes me happy. My son is happy and healthy and loves both of us “with his whole heart” as he likes to say so there’s nothing else and no one else more important. 

Do most divorced men feel this way? Absolutely not. 

Am I the only divorced man that feels this way? Absolutely not. 

I’ve learned to forgive people in my heart of hearts. And guess who’s the hardest person of all to forgive? YOURSELF. 


But you can start now to make better decisions and find better ways to react and reach a new place in your body, mind, heart and soul of love wether loving someone now or from your past. 

I don’t place blame on her. She’s an amazing woman. An incredible creative. A hard worker like no other. A loyal partner. A true friend. A loving daughter, sister, grand daughter. Most importantly to me she’s a devoted and practical and dedicated loving MOTHER. 

but: She was not as emotionally mature as me or as someone needs to be to take that oath/vow. She’d never had her heart broken. Had never even been broken up with. If a person is 37 years old and has never been truly in love and then dealt with the pain of losing that love/person forever they don’t have the protection factor of what they could lose and how much it could hurt and why they would need to be flexible and make sure their love and partner feels appreciated and respected and protected. More importantly they don’t/wouldn’t know that it’s not just their world it’s now both peoples world and there always has to be a middle ground and compromise and democracy. So I don’t blame her for not understanding all that because she had never experienced that and now she has. Now in her future relationship/s she will realize that that person might just leave if she doesn’t compromise or make an effort for them to feel appreciated and equal as a partner and mutual leader. Reciprocity is the most important word to me not just in personal relationships but in humanity as a whole. To me marriage is partnership that is either based on old world patriarchal dynamics or an evolving and intrepid force of love and family that is able to be both rigid and fluid at the same time in order to adapt on a daily basis to mountains and valleys of work, stress, challenges, joy, pleasure and critical management and engineering of financial and human faults. As humans who fall in love we hide things and as we feel more comfortable with our partner we open them up to seeing what we are hiding which is beautiful as many times that means we trust them with our secrets and our dreams and our pain. Honesty to me is the most important thing. Not about small stuff but about the huge and diverse way we allow our souls to guide us and hearts to wander on after being broken and ripped apart and somehow put back love again. 

I fully take 50% of the responsibility of it not working out. I also wasn’t willing to give it a second shot when the opportunities arose because of my own fear of failure or not wanting to hurt again or not wanting to go through feeling not good enough again. It’s a tough path to walk but the only way to walk it is to never give up.

I will always love my ex wife. I will always do anything for her and my son that I can. The first step in that is doing the most I can for myself as the concept of this book we have to take care of our health, body, mind, heart and soul so that we are able to take care of others as well. 

But yours comes FIRST!! That’s the main concept of this book. 

I have realized a lot since leaving my marriage and looking at the other recent relationships I left before that. These are facts about me that I’ve come to realize. Not from any fault of my last partners as I have so much love, respect and gratitude for what we shared but more from just finding out finally who I am and how I work after all these years. 

(Disclaimer this is not about women that I’ve been with but more about what I can’t be with and why I will have a hard time finding someone in the future) 

1. I can’t be with a woman who is not alpha. 
2. I can’t be with a woman who is not politically active, engaged and motivated to change the world. Day in, day out. 
3. I can’t be with a woman who is not an athlete or into fitness and doesn’t like sports on a significant level or in some manner. 
4. I can’t be with a woman who doesn’t have tattoos. (Maybe negotiable)
5. I can’t be with a woman who is judgemental about your past even after you have paid your dues and changed to become an evolved human. 
6. I can’t be with a woman who doesn’t accept the fact that men need to be free to act like men but they must also be gentlemen and respect women. 
7. I can’t be with a woman who is still controlled, influenced or manipulated by her parents or family. 
8. I can’t be with a woman who is pessimistic, complacent or anything less than an optimistic visionary. 
9. I can’t be with a woman who is more concerned with what their friends or family think rather than what their partner thinks. 
10. I can’t be with a woman who isn’t a ride or die gangster, willing to stand by my side and fight to be with me and to fend off haters and would be threats. You don’t have to be a crazy jealous b but you need to show you’re willing to actively protect the alliance and or possibly be down for life in all aspects. 

I’m guessing this list will grow by the time it hits my memories timeline next year.

If your partner sucks leave them. If you parents suck leave them. (Harsh?) yes. But why waste your time, energy and love on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

On love and letting go: 

Letting go feels good. It also hurts like hell. There was a reason you were there to begin with. 

When you know your worth you have to take a stand no matter how much it hurts nor how long you end up alone. When you know your heart and what give and bring and know you have love that can live forever you sometimes have to give up. Once you do and once you heal it feels good. But it doesn’t feel good up until that point. Prepare for weathering a storm. Then a dry desert. Then finally you’ll wake up on a sunny day with perfect breeze at your side egging you on to the next beautiful chapter. 

Sometimes giving up means not just letting go and moving on but it means asking for more, waiting for more, knowing the best is yet to come.

I’m watching the series “Shameless” right now on Netflix. It’s fantastic. It’s funny and sad all at the same time. It’s “bipolar”,

It’s also a classic family story about sex, drugs, rock & roll and all the problems that lifestyle creates.

The father “Frank” should’ve been completely banned from the family. From seeing his kids. Aka destroying his kids. A father like that is not a dad. In fact he’s better off dead or in prison. But the link of family blood lets their guard down and they keep letting him back in to hurt them again and again. Enabling is a big word in families with mental health issues and drug and alcohol abuse. Family members want to help the addicts instead it enables them to continue their destructive behavior. As a father/dad I give myself zero room to fuck up. I don’t even drink one single beer the days I’m with my son. Never. Why would i? He’s enough. He’s my world. Nothing else should matter.

*** JEWS One more little thing about family since I’m a half Jew and my grandfather was in World War II and there’s always a struggle for liberals to understand the Israeli and Palestinian conflict and if you’ve made it this far into the book you know that I have some pretty relevant information things to say:

Please read this to Understand better so that instead of jumping on a social media justice crusade you atleast first know the FACTS and real HISTORY. 

Since there is peace talks right now about the current terrorist attacks on Israel by Iran back hamas terrorists also known as “Palestinians” I figured I’d take a few minutes to help you liberals (with no actual knowledge of the conflict) learn what you’re actually talking about.

The Jewish people have proposed a settlement place for the Palestinians SINCE 1947 but the problem is the Palestinians have rejected that plan since then and gotten worse and worse by their own attacks on the nation state of Israel (of which the Jewish people descended thousands of years ago) 

Since they don’t take the deal they keep attacking and making things worse on THEMSELVES. 

Most liberals don’t know shit about the Middle East. They think that Palestinians are a peaceful tribe and that they were pushed out of Israel. It’s actually the OPPOSITE. The Jews were pushed out of Israel and they pushed the Palestinians back to where they are from which is the Arab states.


Since y’all don’t know shit about real history I’m going to give you a brief history of what I know and have read. (In books written by the worlds best historians) and approved by African and Egyptians alike as well as Arabs and middle eastern scholars.

The Jews have been in Israel thousands of years and that’s why the Egyptians don’t claim on right to Israel. The Egyptians know the Jews were in Israel at the same time the pyramids were still being built. The Muslim brotherhood knows the Jews have as much right to any land in isreael and the people of Africa have to the land of Africa. That’s why Africans of all religions don’t denounce the state of Israel to any loud opinion because they know if they do it would be like whites claiming the rights to African land. The tribes of the Middle East have many bloodlines that run deep. I happen to partially know this because of exhibit A. (See picture) (my personal genetic lineage) and fact that one can look “white”
And still be partially of Arab/Egyptian descent. The only people claiming Israel should shrink its borders or give more to Palestine are uneducated white liberals with sympathy for the propaganda created by civilian casualties when PALESTINE ATTACKS ISRAEL and then Israel retaliated or protects herself. Do not be fooled. ISREAL does NOT attack unless responding or provoked. Israel is a sovereign state and welcomes peace to the region 100%. 

Check it out: 

About 60,000 years ago, (tribes) modern humans began a dramatic population expansion out of Africa. The first stop on this journey was the Middle East. For thousands of years, the Arabian Peninsula and the Levant were likely continually occupied, resulting in a broad pool of genetic diversity in this region. Additionally, The Middle East was a waypoint for people moving to and from North Africa, Central Asia and Europe.

The southern Arabian Peninsula is thought to be the source of a dramatic migration, some 50,000 years ago, along the coasts of the Indian Ocean. Following this southern coastal route, these early people likely exploited marine resources and migrated from Arabia into India and southeastern Asia, eventually reaching Australia. The Middle East has also significantly influenced European populations, being the basis of the occupation of Europe by modern humans 45,000 years ago. After the invention of agriculture, Neolithic farmers spread into and throughout Europe, contributing to a rise of genetic similarity between the two regions.

The dispersal of Jewish populations from the Middle East is thought to have begun 2,500 years ago. Although some Jewish populations remained in this region, others eventually dispersed to North Africa, Europe, Central Asia and even India.


That’s a pesky little fact that modern liberals prefer to not speak about. In fact most Islamic religious sites are nowhere near Israel and have not much to do with that land (BECAUSE THEY NEVER LIVED THERE). They did occupy Israel and that area during certain times of conquest but their tribes did not found the civilization of that area. The Jews did. Just as the Egyptians founded the pyramids so did the Jews found Israel and the early developments of civilization (structures and villages/cities) in the surrounding early “Judah”. Why was the land called “Judah”?

Take a look at the second picture now EXHIBIT B. (The kingdom of Judah) notice how it’s located directly south of another kingdom called (Israel).

Since there were many battles and conquests if that region following the Iron Age before the invention of gun powder (during the reign of the Mongolian empire) (who also occupied Israel at one point) there’s not enough time to go into every single tribe, nation, kingdom that went to war in the area including the romans who used the Jewish knowledge of farming the dry area to occupy on the largest areas of desert for one of the longest periods other than the Jewish tribe. Basically the area has been at war since then but it’s common knowledge (to anyone who has read history books) that the Jews were the first to settle the desert and arid land of Israel and have been murdered there and pushed out and have come back thousands of times since then. Much much much BEFORE Christ and mohammed. (See exhibit C.)

Here’s where most of you will likely get lost but if you make it through you’ll make it to modern history and understand why arguing about Israel with Jewish people and claiming that “Palestinians” have any right to their land is patently absurd: also you’ll learn why Jews have been hunted down and murdered for the last 2000 years as one of the smallest bloodlines of Noah and David also as the same exact bloodline of Christ (we all know Jesus was a Jew)

In the genealogies of the Hebrew History, Ashkenaz (Hebrew: אַשְׁכְּנַז, 'Aškănaz; Greek: Ασχανάζ, translit. Askhanáz) was a descendant of Noah. He was the first son of Gomer and brother of Riphath and Togarmah (Genesis 10:3, 1 Chronicles 1:6), with Gomer being the grandson of Noah through Japheth.

In 722 BCE, the Assyrians, under Sargon II, successor to Shalmaneser V, conquered the Kingdom of Israel, and many Israelites were deported to Mesopotamia. The Jewish proper diaspora began with the Babylonian exile in the 6th century BCE.

But In most circles this is the common thought:
Many attempts have been made to place this time-span at a specific date in history. At the turn of the 17th century CE, Joseph Scaliger placed Creation at 3950 BCE, Petavius calculated 3982 BCE, and according to James Ussher's chronology, Creation took place in 4004 BCE, dating the Great Deluge to 2348 BCE.

In the history since then basically Matthew begins by calling Jesus the son of David, indicating his royal origin, and also son of Abraham, indicating that he was an Israelite; both are stock phrases, in which son means descendant, calling to mind the promises God made to David and to Abraham.

Matthew emphasizes, right from the beginning, Jesus' title Christ—the Greek rendering of the Hebrew title Messiah—meaning anointed, in the sense of an anointed king. Jesus is presented as the long-awaited Messiah, who was expected to be a descendant of King David. Matthew begins by calling Jesus the son of David, indicating his royal origin, and also son of Abraham, indicating that he was an Israelite; both are stock phrases, in which son means descendant. (See exhibit D) (4th image)

There’s different interpretations of the lineage and history depending on who you ask but most agree that Jesus was a Jew, that he was born in “Judah” (modern day Israel/disputed territories) Bethlehem is situated on the southern portion in the Judean Mountains. The city is located 73 kilometers (45 mi) northeast of Gaza City and the Mediterranean Sea, 75 kilometers (47 mi) west of Amman, Jordan, 59 kilometers (37 mi) southeast of Tel Aviv, Israel and 10 kilometers (6.2 mi) south of Jerusalem.

Now I’ll break down a bit more modern history: this will help understand that modern “Palestinians” are actually just proxy militants of IRAN who seeks to destroy Israel (as well as most modern Muslims and nations of the middle do) and mostly (not for oil or territory or for some dry land next to jordan with some olive trees) but simply because the Jewish people (certain ones) are the direct descendants of Christ and that makes a lot of people mad that they aren’t also related to the most famous guy to ever live so they’re sort of jealous. Though don’t forget this tidbit of fact especially when understand that “Palestinians” (not a country and never was a nation who are really just Arabs displaced by the british king when he withdrew from his colonies) believe that Mary was Jesus’s mother (not disputed) and that Mary has a bloodline back to Aron (or ARRON)The Qurʼan upholds the virgin birth of Jesus and thus considers his genealogy only through Mary (Maryam), without mentioning Joseph. (Brother of Moses) both of who were JEWISH.

Let’s bring it back around remember that the Jewish people were “dispersed” from Israel many times including 2500 years ago but also just before this little pesky tidbit:

The region has come under the sway of various empires and been home to a variety of ethnicities, but was predominantly Jewish from roughly 1,000 years before the Common Era (BCE) until the 3rd century of the Common Era. The adoption of Christianity by the Roman Empire in the 4th century led to a Greco-Roman Christian majority which lasted until the 7th century when the area was conquered by the Arab Muslim Empires. It gradually became predominantly Muslim until the Crusades between 1096 and 1291, when it was the focal point of conflict between Christianity and Islam. From the 13th century it was mainly Muslim with Arabic as the dominant language and was first part of the Syrian province of the Mamluk Sultanate and then part of the Ottoman Empire until the British conquest in 1917.

Jump forward to 1947

Palestine was a common name used until 1948 to describe the geographic region between the Mediterranean Sea and the Jordan River. In its history, the Assyrian, Babylonian, Roman, Byzantine, and Ottoman empires have controlled Palestine at one time or another.

After World War I, Palestine was administered by the United Kingdom under a Mandate received in 1922 from the League of Nations. The modern history of Palestine begins with the termination of the British Mandate, the Partition of Palestine and the creation of Israel, and the ensuing Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

In 1947, the United Nations (U.N.) proposed a Partition Plan for Palestine titled “United Nations General Assembly Resolution 181 (II) Future Government of Palestine.” The resolution noted Britain’s planned termination of the British Mandate for Palestine and recommended the partition of Palestine into two states, one Jewish and one Arab, with the Jerusalem-Bethlehem area protected and administered by the United Nations.
The resolution included a highly detailed description of the recommended boundaries for each proposed state. The resolution also contained plans for an economic union between the proposed states and for the protection of religious and minority rights. The resolution called for the withdrawal of British forces and termination of the Mandate by August 1948 and establishment of the new independent states by October 1948.
Jewish leadership accepted the Partition Plan but Arab leaders rejected it. The Arab League threatened to take military measures to prevent the partition of Palestine and to ensure the national rights of the Palestinian Arab population. One day before the British Mandate expired, Israel declared its independence within the borders of the Jewish State set out in the Partition Plan. The Arab countries declared war on the newly formed State of Israel beginning the 1948 Arab-Israeli War.
After the war, which Palestinians call the Catastrophe, the 1949 Armistice Agreements established the separation lines between the combatants: Israel controlled some areas designated for the Arab state under the Partition Plan, Transjordan controlled the West Bank and East Jerusalem, and Egypt controlled the Gaza Strip.

The Six Day War was fought between June 5–10, 1967, with Israel emerging victorious and effectively seizing control of the Gaza Strip and the Sinai Peninsula from Egypt, the West Bank and East Jerusalem from Jordan, and the Golan Heights from Syria. The U.N. Security Council adopted Resolution 242, the “land for peace” formula, which called for Israeli withdrawal “from territories occupied” in 1967 and “the termination of all claims or states of belligerency.” Resolution 242 recognized the right of “every state in the area to live in peace within secure and recognized boundaries free from threats or acts of force.”
THE 1973 WAR
In October 1973, war broke out again between Israel and Egypt in the Sinai and the Syria in the Golan Heights. A ceasefire was achieved (U.N. resolution 339) and U.N. peacekeepers deployed on both the fronts, only withdrawing from the Egyptian front after Israel and Egypt concluded a peace treaty in 1979. U.N. peacekeepers remain deployed in the Golan Heights.
In 1974, the Arab League recognized the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) as the sole legitimate representative of the Palestinian people and relinquished its role as representative of the West Bank. The PLO gained observer status at the U.N. General Assembly the same year.
In 1988, the Palestinian National Council of the PLO approved a Palestinian Declaration of Independence in Algiers, Tunisia. The declaration proclaims a “State of Palestine on our Palestinian territory with its capital Jerusalem,” although it does not specify exact borders, and asserts U.N. Resolution 181 supports the rights of Palestinians and Palestine. The declaration was accompanied by a PLO call for multilateral negotiations on the basis of U.N. Resolution 242.
THE INTIFADA (1987 TO 1993)
Conditions in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, including Jerusalem, after more than 20 years of military occupation, repression and confiscation of land, contributed to a Palestinian uprising called the intifada in December 1987. Between 1987 and 1993, over 1,000 Palestinians were killed and thousands injured, detained, imprisoned in Israel or deported from the Palestinian territories.
In 1993, the Oslo Accords, the first direct, face-to-face agreement between Israel and the PLO, were signed and intended to provide a framework for the future relations between the two parties. The Accords created the Palestinian National Authority (PNA) with responsibility for the administration of the territory under its control. The Accords also called for the withdrawal of Israeli forces from parts of the Gaza Strip and West Bank.
Implementation of the Oslo Accords suffered a serious setback with the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin, Israeli Prime Minister and signer of the Oslo Accords, in November 1995. Since 1995, several peace summits and proposals, including the Camp David Summit (2000), Taba Summit (2001), the Road Map for Peace (2002), and the Arab Peace Initiative (2002 and 2007), have attempted to broker a solution, with no success.
In a speech on September 16, 2011, Mahmoud Abbas, President of the Palestinian National Authority, declared his intention to proceed with the request for recognition of statehood from both the United Nations General Assembly and Security Council. On September 23, 2011, President Abbas delivered the official application for recognition of a Palestinian State to the United Nations Secretary General. Numerous issues remain to be settled by Israelis and Palestinians, however, before an independent state of Palestine emerges. Negotiations are ongoing.

SO IN ALL FACTUALITY “PALESTINE” has NEVER existed before the fall of the English colonies and Israel has attempted to help the state of “Palestine” be established yet Iran and other Muslim backed terrorist groups destroy any chance of peace every time by attacking Israel’s borders and FALSELY claiming rights to their land.

If this conflict is ever to be settled Hamas needs to end its cooperation with terrorist groups and begin to live in peace with their neighbors on all sides including (with the peaceful nation of Israel) who does not attack its neighbors unless defending itself or provoked.

Geography and human history have kept this region perpetually in the spotlight. It sits between Eurasia and Africa and is home to some of the world’s earliest civilizations. It is also the birthplace of three of the world’s major religions—Judaism, Christianity and Islam—with the most holy places of those faiths scattered from Jerusalem to Mecca. Since it was first inhabited, this vital region has been a natural center of learning, trade, culture—and conflict.



Unless the “Palestinians” stick to the agreements of peace and join the world in a democratic state or atleast a state of control instead of a corrupt state controlled by terrorists there will never be peace. Israel is not the aggressor.

Israel is a land of Arab people of: Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, and many other decent people who are all living in peace.

Palestine is an area of people claiming rights to a land that was never there’s and was occupied by britons armies for decades keeping the Jewish people off their own land where they formed civilization there among and with different Egyptian tribes dating all way back to the pyramids.

Wake up. You’re welcome. Please stop posting “free Palestine” because you sound rudimentary of your knowledge. “Palestine” is “free”. It exists right now. It’s just trying to attack another nation and take its land.

Feel free to pick a side but if you believe that Egyptians should be in Egypt then you should also believe the Judahs should be in Judah 

**( 3000 WORD HISTORY OF ISRAEL AND JEWS TO KEEP ROUGH DRAFT 65,000) (trim down to 1000 words?) 

*Continues about family and jews etc...

Now what does having a fundamental knowledge of the history of Israel and the brief but tyrannical and violently terrorist based Palestine have to do with avoiding a midlife crisis? Well if you’re Jewish it could have a lot. It could take a lot of confusion out of your stance. If you’re not Jewish but have Jewish friends or family members it could also clear about confusion about why America and other countries support Israel so much. (The only free state in the Middle East) it could also help you to have general knowledge and new information on a subject/issue that might interest you to research it more or other subjects similar or related and it might inspire you to possibly even engage in some sort of civic duty or a humanitarian issue or crisis. It might inspire you to join the military or a police force or any kind of law enforcement position that helps protect people and provide stability for our nation or any society on earth. It might inspire you to go back to school or college to study history or cultural geography or any other subject. 

My point is that we don’t know what exactly each person needs to avoid a midlife crisis nor do we pretend to know. So I write about things I find interesting or engaging or controversial or inspiring hoping others will feel the same way or make some kind of connection. Or learn something they didn’t know or gain a new perspective on something. 

Many people who have never studied the true history of the region think that they understand why Palestine is fighting Israel but they really don’t. They’re not fighting Israel to have a Palestinian state. They’re fighting Israel because many Palestinians as well as more than 50% of all islsmists want to not only destroy Israel and murder all the citizens (even the Arab and African Jews) but they also want to murder the rest of the Jews throughout the world and finish the job hitler almost accomplished. 

It will never happen. It never has and it never will hopefully humanity including the Jews will evolve beyond a vapid theological identity and dogmatic hypocritical and racist patriarchal religions and move towards a more peaceful evolved and equal and freedom based societies. 

On my half Jewish descendants etc. I’d like to speak on another factor: 

This idea that we are one race or one ethnic to identity with needs to end. For instance President Obama was labeled as black. But his mother was white. It’s his choice to identify however he chooses but should we not allow half black children to also identify as half white? Or even fully white? What if they are raised by only their one white parent and in turn end up identifying as “white”? When somebody identifies as an ethnicity they should be accepted as such. Who are we to tell someone they are different than they believe? What is the truth? Your genetics? Your looks? Or what you believe? If you are raised within a completely mixed culture yet you feel connected to and raised by one specific part of it how are you supposed to separate yourself from what you have been truly accustomed to versus genetic lineage that has nothing to do with who you are? For instance, I have over a dozen different ethnic backgrounds in my body. None of them are Latino or Chicano or Native Californian/Mexican. But I've been raised here. I grew up playing soccer and immersed in Latino families and worked with Latinos. I learned enough Spanish where I could understand and feel the language and Mexican slang. I don't feel nearly as connected to some of my genetic roots as I do to my cultural. Do I identify as Latino? No. Do I identify as a California native? Yes. Native Indian? Sort of. Some of my best friends were and are Native American Indian. So I was brought to the tribe and accepted into their spiritual ceremony even though my genetic heritage says I wasn't from the same people as them. We still believe in the same things. We still feel we are the same. Where do we draw the lines? Why do we have to? Is it too early into human evolution to just call each other human? Is it too early in American history to just identify as "American"? Is there really a difference in your heart, your soul or your mind? I don't think so.

When I’m asked to choose a box for my ethnicity I always choose “mixed” or other and then explain. I’m absolutely mixed. I’m predominantly Scottish/white, secondly ethnically Jewish and thirdly I’m 10% asian (Arab) from the central middle eastern region. With that being said I feel 100% american. I feel just as connected to the Latino culture and Mexican american culture as I do any kind of Scottish or Israeli or any other part of my mix. 

So why should I be forced to choose a box when spiritually I’m mixed just as well as my bloodlines? 

Let’s just agree that America is the most diverse nation on earth and more so every generation and give our youth the ability to check one box: 


I’m actually predominantly SCOTTISH from my dna results and being of my father’s son. 

I connect much more to my Scottish roots than my Jewish roots and have been there twice. 

I’ll go into my Scottish family history  in a blog post or something. 

I believe as a race of human earthlings we need to evolve. We need to evolve beyond our nationality and ethnicity and religious and cultural uniforms. We need all wear the human uniform. The body. When we are all naked we all look the same. Well the same in that we all look different. But the only thing that makes us different is what we cling too. Rather than realizing there’s so much more that makes us the same. 

I’m not promoting to give up our heritage or anything. It doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be given their culture and heritage at birth and celebrate those beautiful individualities. I’m just saying let’s give them a chance to feel more connected to each other from the get go rather than all this racial and religious and ethnic division and chaos. Let’s figure out better ways to connect our families. Not just by intermarriage by by inter community. By realizing that we are all family regardless. 

Since this chapter is about family and ethnicity and race and how religion is usually given to you or forced upon you by your family here’s one critique I’ve come across I admire:

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.
The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)

Speaking on god and religion: I’d been looking for a silver cross for a few years now. (Thanks Leo Marrs) I don’t consider myself a christian but Christ was a Jew and being ethnically Jewish (mom’s side did DNA test) I find it fascinating that he spoke such truth and such beauty to the world yet there’s been so much violence and oppression done in his name. He spoke about love. That was his weapon. His heart. I don’t practice religion. I do practice love. Most people do. I believe in love. In all forms. 

I believe the cross has been irresponsibly utilized as an emotionally triggering image for young people and people from christian upbringings as well as people from secular back grounds or other religions or belief systems. Like many things in human culture I believe we need to evolve the symbol of the cross. Instead of it being used to promote the fear of death and heaven and hell and suffering etc I want to wear it as a sign that that I don’t support that.  Yes he was crucified and yes Islamic cultists still perform that barbaric and disgusting form of execution but we who believe in love and freedom of thought and expression and philosophy and ideology and humanity can reclaim the symbol and flip the script on them admitting it’s been wrong to tell children they will burn in Hell if they don’t submit to your idiots cults. They don’t need to say the prayers you tell them. They don’t need to confess their sins to some asshole in a robe that is likely a pedophile or has sheltered other pedophiles (if they ain’t publicly condemning the pedos they are likely one of them). They don’t need to be forced to believe or feel or think anything. That’s why I wear this now. You used to knock on my door as a child and ask me if I believed in Jesus and if I didn’t you’d say I was going to hell. Well you’re wrong you ignorant pieces of shit and if you ever tell my son that same thing I’ll not only knock you out and drag you back to whatever church you can out of. I will also have you arrested for emotionally and psychologically assaulting a child. 

Religion is not meant for children. Children are meant for experiencing life free of mental oppression. Free of dark ideas and talk about heaven and hell. Children are meant to experience the world and be given a CHOICE ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE.

My dad was a Scottish Lutheran and baptized as a child. He never took me to church though we did celebrate all the christian holidays. (They used to be Jewish holidays, before that they were Egyptian holidays) etc etc. but we also went to temple for my moms side of the family. After all the Jewish biology is matriarchal. It’s the only way they could be 100% certain the child was half Jewish. They knew the tricks of the trade long before Mary was “immaculately conceived” wink wink Joseph. 

Early I mentioned that family is forever. Well I lied. Family can be forever. But also sometimes family is temporary. 

Both of my former step parents are no longer in my life abd I doubt I will ever see or talk to either of them ever again. 

Just letting people going into marriages and such to beware: My former step mom took everything my dad left us. 12 acre property with two houses worth over $750,000 at the time, and his personal savings, business account with over $200,000 and illegally made herself Vice-president of the company without my permission after my dad had told me to take over the company. etc. my brother and I would never be given a copy of his will or the family trust. She hid everything and made me try to go through her lawyer when I asked for copies of anything. Obviously her and I never spoke again. She also refinanced the property twice for $250,000 each time the first year after he died in order to create debt on the property and bought two other houses with the equity. Just be prepared for war anytime someone dies. The key is to be prepared before they die. Otherwise it’s already too late. He showed me the trust when I was 19 but I never thought to ask for a copy. I was a kid. Don’t have the same regrets.

Since so many of us are buying property and houses and stuff these days and dealing with inheritances (or lack thereof) I wanted to share some advice. If somebody has a will and they tell you that you're in the will ask for a copy of it immediately and store it somewhere safe. 

My dad paid for more than half of our 12 acres and house and everything that was in it. He also had a business that was doing over a million in sales per year. 

I recently did more research about my dads estate and found out that my former stepmom made herself vice President of my dad's company without asking my brother or I permission and not only liquidated the accounts of the company that we were supposed to inherit but then because my dad had paid for the property and paid for everything in the house he had done with company checks and company business she now owned everything. 

My dad had sat me down and showed me a family living trust told me that myself and my three other siblings were his main beneficiaries and that we would inherit half of his estate. 

After he died my former step mom then lied to us and told us he never signed his will. She refused to show me a copy of his will or the living trust that he had showed me was in a leather bound binder like an LLc. Never offered us anything other than a couple pieces of worthless furniture. The property and his estate was worth $750,000 to 1.5 mil including the business accounts. 

I want to file a lawsuit it's just so hard now. She also used the equity on the property and took out two $250,000 lines of equity against it to be able to show debt. 

She also never even legally took my dads last name. She had help from a lawyer the whole time. 

Don't let yourself or your children go through that. 

I have a will and and setting up my estate through an LLC in Nevada with only my son and my brother and his son as beneficiaries. Be careful out there. People are not always what they seem.

It’s a long and emotional discussion to get into each persons religious or spiritual beliefs or relationship with god/dess, spirit, angels, ancestors and all that. It will likely go down on forever. 

Jesus ain’t coming back y’all. He’s already here. Just like my dad is still here. Just like every soul that’s ever left their body is still here. (Except the really bad ones). See I believe that our three dimensional existence coincides with other dimensions. Therefore the 4th dimension exists here as well. I go much further into in another chapter but please feel free to comment about your thoughts and ideas about religious symbols and how they are both positive and negative. 

I always smile when I see a fat Buddha statue. I always am intrigued when I see Ganesh or any other symbol. To me it’s just fine for it to exist. Just not ok to ever try to force it onto someone or to force them to be scared or to force them to have to ponder the thought of being condemned or purgatory. 

Even your own prophets speak these words from all religions: 


So if you’re the one judging and you ain’t god yourself it would be best to be wise and just shut the fuck up. 

Don’t be knocking on our doors no more. 

So just like the brothers took back the N word. 
So just like the gays took back the F word. 
So just the like the asians took back the Y word. 

Us Jews (or half Jews) are taking back the cross. 

Like it it or not. I don’t care. Spread love. 🖤

Speaking on my family and it’s legacy: 

My mom is my Hero.

My mom is my hero. My brother is too.

My mom has been strong all her life and not just for herself but for so many other people. She has done much good work as a judge, attorney and  lawyer in charge of Child Protective Services as well as other social services programs. She’s literally helped hundreds of thousands of children in her career.

But she’s my hero because she’s overcome so much loss and is still strong and smiling and so excited to see her grandsons every time we link up.

She’s my hero because she let me be me. She let me make mistakes but also helped me learn from them. She supported every single project I ever touched and has a whole wall in her home of my photographs framed back to high school work.

My mom is my hero. And I hope your mom is your hero too.

If not, I hope you’re your own hero. Because you are someone’s hero and you just might not even know.

Didn’t go much into my dad’s family here as I’m saving that for another book as I learn more about my dad’s cousin JC Pollock who is a famous writer and more about our family history that: is directly descended from or related to the 11th President James K. Polk and a direct descendant of Robert the Bruce King of Scotland. My direct family ancestors have fought in both World Wars; the Korean War, Civil War and American Revolution. (to my knowledge). There are records of the Pollock Family in Pennsylvania pre-1776. Will save that for another book as I’ve been to the fatherland Scotland twice now and plan to bring Hendrix next time and dive in deep into the Pollock-Polk-Pogue-Maxwell clan and it’s also Irish cousin-clans. My dad’s family is one big and loving and supportive clan. There’s some issues with my dad’s direct lineage being cut out of all the inheritance of properties and even the use of our beloved family cottage our grandparents built but mainly because certain family members are just old and bitter. Hopefully their children will extend a hand and hug to welcome us back into our family cottage as we should all have equal opportunity to spend time there. Especially considering it’s where we spread my fathers ashes and the only place we have to connect with him considering our former stepmother embezzles our inheritance from the California property. 

One can only hope. 

I’m blessed to have supportive family and friends and extended family otherwise I likely would’ve ended up with more times in jail and maybe even prison or worse. Family gives me a reason to be a better person. Gives me a reason to be. 

My Nieces Olivia is a Doctor and Pharmacist and Alana is a College Graduate and model, in the fashion and event industry and runner up to Miss Teen Pennsylvania. And second runner up to MISS PENNSYLVANIA. We are hoping she runs one more time now that she’s a college grad. Cross your fingers! My nephews Cole and Dallen are both bright boys and stand up family members. Cole is a young man now and like Alana is at Drexel University and Alana just graduated. 

My oldest sister Megan owns and operates an amazing floral design store in Pennsylvania and has her own greenhouse and garden and is a devout and studied horticulturist and astrologist. Bruce her husband is literally the best Husband and dad in the state of Pennsylvania. 

My oldest brother Sean is the GM of an amazing neighborhood bar and grill in downtown a Pittsburgh and avid photographer who not only gave me my first digital camera but bestowed a ton of knowledge and critical support at the time of my early career and I’m forever grateful. He’s also just an awesome guy and the reason I love to visit PA so much. 

Amber as you know passed away many years ago but lives on in our hearts and our spirits. 

My second oldest brother Lee is a full time dad. His son is his world and they live a great life in the foothills still of the Sierra Nevadas hiking, camping, off roading and playing disc golf and sports of all kinds. So proud of him with his struggles of much more severe mental health issues than I and his recovery of AA and NA. He’s a warrior and we support and love each other DAILY.  We are blessed to have each other. And our sons are growing up together. 

My mom as you know is my heritage to the Jews and I’m 10% middle eastern. She’s a retired judge and attorney and lives a fulfilling life with her groups of retired colleagues and lifelong friends and my brother around most of the time and her grandsons regularly visiting. 

My aunts and uncles and cousins and extended family on both sides have been so loving and supportive and caring and fun from all the visits to the Xmas cards etc we have always appreciated and love you dearly. You know who you are. 

My son is my world now and I never plan to remarry. My dad died with an estate of minimum $500k assets but likely closer to a million or just over. My former stepmother worked with a lawyer and made herself Vice President of my dad’s company and transferred all his accounts to her name without his or my brothers (both partners in the business) knowing or approval. She then liquidated all his money and assets and took out two $250,000 loans against the property worth over $750,000 at the time and created debt against the property my dad had paid for in cash. She then bought two other homes with that $500k and put the titles in her sons name so that if my brother and I or other family members came after our right to our inheritance (half of everything) she could show debt. She lied and stole from our family and I’ll never forgive her. It’s also the reason I’ll never get married again because if I ever did my sons “step mom” could take everything from him. Yes there’s trusts but they don’t work. My dad had a family trust but my step mom refused to give me a copy of it and sent me to her lawyers who flat out denied me access to anything. She’s a cold hearted greedy bitch and there’s no other way to describe her. She will never meet or know my son and when he was born I blocked her on all social media so she can never see him. I also formally in writing asked her to never contact him or his mom and she broke that request. Someday she will get her karma. Not sure in what form. That’s up to god to decide. 

My step son is 14 years old now. He said he hates Trump. He’s going to be voting in less than 4 years. Why does time seem to go so fast sometimes ? He was 5 when I moved into his life. He was the age my son is now.. We go skateboarding and I show him things in life that are different and I’ve been teaching him how to pop his ollies. It’s a wild and quick world. Enjoy every minute of it and never ever ever leave anyone behind. 

Your family is your family. You’re stuck with them wether you like them or not. Wether they build you up or break you down. You have to decide which ones are worth loving and fight for. Which ones you might need to cut out of your life like I have. Family will always come first. They’ll always care for you even if you’ve made mistakes. Because we all make them. They make them too. Never be afraid to be vulnerable or to show who you really are to your family. They’re your family. They will either accept you or reject you and if they reject you it will be their loss and they will silently and secretly regret it for the rest of their lives. 

Your family is your family. Never let them worry about you. 

Call your mom. Call your dad. Send everyone email updates that don’t have social media. 

Take care of your grandparents instead of shipping them out to lonely and sad retirement homes. The boomers invented that and they’re selfish bastards for sending all their parents into assisted living homes. They should be in the back house or guest with a nurse or hired help. Never send your family away. Never. Unless they’re abusive or criminals. 

You are your family for the other members. Get it? It’s not about you. It’s about them. Of course we must take care of ourselves first and none of us have enough time to talk to all our family members as much as we’d like but why don’t we start making more time before it’s too late? Why don’t we start prioritizing the most important things and putting work, career, money, toys, weekends and extra things on the back burner so we can feel less guilty about not getting enough quality time with our families? 

How do we reform society so that everyone has enough time in their day, week, month, year to spend quality time with their family and loved ones? I don’t know. But Bernie Sanders has some good ideas. I’m voting for him. Look him up. He’s a family man and seems very loving and caring. 

I want our leaders to be accepted for their flaws and promoted for their strengths. None of us are perfect. We all have many things we would like to change or regret but we must accept them and forgive them and move on and progress and evolve. 

My last bit on family: 
***Insert photo of Hendrix and i on abbot kinney
Some things in life will bring you thrills. Some things in life will bring you chills. Some things in life will set your heart afire. Some things in life will fill desire. Some things in life will bring you war. Some things in life will bring you peace. Some things will bring you joy and some things will bring you deep. Some things in life will bring the light. Some things in life you’ll have to fight. Some things in life will make you hurt. Some things in life will be like dessert. Some things in life will bring you joyous breath and some things in life will bring death. There is no time to ever take anything for granted nor feel you have anything to prove to anyone beyond yourself. Call your mother and father. Tell them you love them. Same with your “others”. The greatest love is that of a parent and child and grandparents and step parents and adopted parents and extended parents and anyone who was there for you or you for them in that way of true love. I consider some of you my brothers and sisters. Some of you my extended cousins and “aunties and uncles” and many of you my “family” of dear friends and close colleagues. Treasure your time and moments and phone calls and FaceTime and connections with “family”. I’ve take this summer off work to simply heal and do work on myself and a break from life to find out what really matters and what really makes me happy. And I’ve found it. It’s family in every way that word has meaning. I hope you find yours too. Thanks for reading and hope to give you a hug or kiss like this soon. Love you my son. My prince. My world.@hendrixpollock Your lone wolf King,
-Love Daddy

Your family is your family. Love them more than anything. Protect them with your life. Never allow slander. Never allow gossip. Never allow oppression. Those in history who have stood up for their family leave the strongest legacy and are true hero’s. Martin Luther King JR. Cesar Chavez. Mother Theresa. Gandhi. RFK. Obama. William Wallace. Joan of Arc. The list goes on. Also never forget many if not most of those devout and dedicated family members and activists and revolutionary leaders also suffered from and were diagnosed with all sorts of different mental health setbacks and had lifelong and ongoing issues and also progress throughout their lives. 

Make sure you know that nobody is perfect. Make sure you know to never compare yourself to others. Make sure you know so long as you aren’t hurting anyone else and you’re doing your best that your family is going to love touch unanimously and with universal acceptance. If they don’t they need their own self love to find the place in themselves to be capable to love you that way. 

Make sure your family is your priority so long as they make you there’s. If they don’t speak up. Speak out. Seek help. Get counselors or therapists or mentors or family friends involved. None of us can do this alone. Ask for help. 

Your family is your family. Love them accordingly. 

  1. What are your doing for your family (health) each day, week or month? 
  2. What regrets do you have about your family from the first half of your life that you want to avoid or change for the second half?
  3. What is your favorite thing about your family from the first half of your life that you want to continue for the second half? 
  4. What is one thing you see others do with/for their family or for their family that you would like to do with/for yours? 
  5. What’s your favorite part of your family and your least favorite part? 
  6. What makes you feel the strongest in your family?
  7. What’s the most important thing this chapter has made you think about or feel or want to do regarding your family? 
  8. What’s your own tips for yourself and others on maintaining a happy and healthy family?

Was that the longest chapter? If so that makes sense. 


Chapter 7: Your Friends 

**notes youth, young adult, adult,

Your Friends are your friends

Your friends are your friends. They are not your family. They may seem like it and some may end up closer to you than family. But always remember that blood is thicker than water. Will they be there to make you soup when you are sick? Maybe. If they are that’s the level they will likely be there for life. But don’t count on it. Many times you’ll notice that people will show up when things are good then disappear when things aren’t so good. You can’t blame them. We are all flawed. We are all human. We are all dealing with our own struggles and our own personal growth. Or the opposite. Many people are on a slow slide down into worse depression and self medication with drugs and alcohol. Many just hide it.

I have a dear friend. A mom. A woman of great strength. A courageous, free spirited, loving, open hearted, devoted, hard working, exceptional woman. I mean everyone that meets her loves her instantly. You can’t help but fall in love with her. She’s been on a few major network TV shows. Even America feels the same. But, she’s an alcoholic. And is it her fault? No. Is it a disease? Yes. Is her family also alcoholic? I believe so. Is she stuck in a pattern? Likely. Is there help for her? Absolutely? Will she seek out help? Not likely? Why? Most people either need to hit bottom, have some kind of terrible accident, have some kind of epiphany or have an intervention. That or a child could maybe call them out. Who knows what it takes for each person. I’m not judging her. I want to do an intervention. I’ve asked a few other friends and they say it’s at that point. I’m not talking your average alcoholic. I’m talking completely functioning and closeted alcoholic. Talking wake up and drink 4 shots of tequila to stop the shakes alcoholic. Every single morning of every single day. Alcoholics can die from alcohol withdrawals. It’s the only drug besides heroin that can do that. She would need to be hospitalized and slowly withdraw from alcohol with the assistance of professionals and other drugs. That’s why I want to do an intervention. If she tried to quit cold turkey it could be deadly and I’m sure she knows that. I’m guessing she’s scared and maybe even wishes someone would help. I don’t know but I’m going to wait til after the holidays and then I’m going to see her and sit her down myself if our other friends don’t want to. 

Who knows what situation her and our group of friends will be in by the time you’re reading this. I’m praying she somehow quits. But the addiction won’t let her. Its not capable of letting her quit. She would die. 

How many friends have we lost from drugs and alcohol or suicide that was  only assisted and made possible with the help of drugs and alcohol? Well too many. Way too many. But isn’t even just one too many? 

I’m hoping by the time you read this she is sober and healthy and living a new life. Or atleast has shifted out of that deep addicticted and self medicated state.I have no idea how to accomplish this intervention but I’m still going to try. It’s the least I can do and if I don’t she could die. I don’t know how to do it but I’m hoping simply by stating to the universe I believe that can help manifest positive change. 

My friends are like my family. But they’re not my family. It’s a strange dichotomy. It’s almost a paradox. Because many of them I will do anything for. Literally I’ve moved them across the state and rushed to their side during hard times. I’ve come back from vacation early to support their careers or causes or events etc. I’m not going to go into any of the things my friends have done for me. It would be too long. They’ve done everything for me and I wouldn’t be here without their love and support and feedback and critique. 
Heather, despite anything we’ve done to hurt each other there will always be love and our son and our history. 
Jessica. You know you’re the reason this book happened. 
Kaitlynn. I love you. 
Megan, you’ve been a rock for me. And I’m thankful and love you and so happy for you and Kurt and your whole family. 
Ben you already got the dedication page. 
James and the Deanna and the Bratt clan. I love you all to the moon. Alex Frantz. Ezpz my brother. 
Alice Walker, you’re a queen. I love you. 
Django, you’ve always supported and believed in me. Even my crappy guitar and singing. Thankful for you. 
Aaron. You’ve believed in me. I believe in you and your music and your career now too. 
Kira, you’re like a sister. But also had life long crush on you. 
Chris McCormack and the whole McCormack and Juniet Street Clan. 
Insert list of certain friends and colleagues small print: 

**there will be a dedication page in the back with god knows how many of you. So thankful for your help and support on this journey. 

Friends are a great blessing. A true friend feels like a warrior besides you. 

What friends really though? So many come and go. That’s why it’s good to know that ahead of time. Be prepared so it doesn’t break your heart when your friends abandon you or move away or go off to war. Or become addicts. Or get married and never talk to anyone ever again. Or get a job and become elitist. Or change into a different person you don’t vibe with. Or worst of all they become a republican. I guess that’s better than them dying but also harder to live with. 

So how do you prepare for losing friends? How do you prepare for them changing into new versions of themselves that you don’t understand or don’t vibe with? 

I’m not sure about how to prepare for all that. I think we all lose friends along the way and though it hurts and we miss them or muss the good old days I think we are so used to it that we find ways to cope. Obviously If someone dies unexpectedly or without us preparing them we may never get over that. The seven stages of grief are real and I’m going to
Post them here so people can read them and be prepared. But although I have found peace with the people I have lost and they still visit me in spirits and they love me and I love them unconditionally I will tell you straight up you never get over it. You never stop thinking about them. You never stop missing them. It definitely changes and shifts. The way you miss them after 25 years of them being passed on is much different than after 5 months or 5 years. I’d say every 5 years it gets easier. It also gets easier once you make it through your Saturn returns. If you don’t know about your Saturn returns I’m going to
Post a blurb about here and I suggest researching if more especially if you’re younger than 33. It’s about the phase of your life as you enter true manhood and you leave your youth behind. Many don’t make it through the shift. It’s why so many overdose and check out and leave the planet around 26-29 years old. You all know the saying “forever 27” or forever 27 club. Because it’s real. It’s the most dramatic shift you will ever experience. Some a couple years earlier or a couple years later but it’s real. I know it’s real because I lived it and watched my friends live it. Look it up. Here’s a blurb then we will talk about the 5 stages of grief. 

**Citation on Saturn returns begins

In horoscopic astrology, a Saturn return is an astrological transit that occurs when the planet Saturn returns to the same place in the sky that it occupied at the moment of a person's birth.[1][2] While the planet may not reach the exact spot until the person is 29 or 30 years old, the influence of the Saturn return is considered to start in the person's late twenties, notably the age of 27.[3]

Psychologically, the first Saturn return is seen as the time of reaching full adulthood, and being faced, perhaps for the first time, with adult challenges and responsibilities.[3]The phenomenon is described by Western astrologers as influencing a person's life development at roughly 29.5 year intervals[citation needed], though the planetary influence may be felt for a few years before the exact conjunction, and variable orbits of the planets can also make the time period longer or shorter[citation needed]. These intervals or "returns" coincide with the approximate time it takes the planet Saturn to make one orbit around the sun, roughly 29.5 years. Western astrologers believe that, as Saturn "returns" to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life. With the first Saturn return, a person leaves youth behind and enters adulthood. With the second return, maturity. And with the third and usually final return, a person enters wise old age. These periods are estimated to occur at roughly the ages of 27–31, 56–60 and 84–90. A fourth return occurs for very few people: those who live to see the age of 114–118.Jyotish (South Asian) astrology views Saturn's transits around the 12 houses of the Zodiac as important during these moments: the sade-sati or ​7 1⁄2-year period, in which Saturn transits the houses before and after, as well as in, the house where the native's Moon lies. These seven and a half years can often be difficult, and people go through difficulties and obstacles during these periods. Those with Capricorn, Aquarius and Libra Moons, however, see great progress,[citation needed] since Saturn rules the first two, and is exalted in the last sign. In addition, Saturn's transit through the Fourth and the Eighth Houses are also seen as important: known respectively as the dhaiya and astamashani periods.

Time to Grow Up
The Saturn Return is a wake-up call, and this is why so many fear it's sobering realities. If you've spent your twenties in a fog, coasting on your youthful charm, it becomes obvious that your foundation is too flimsy for the long haul. When you're young, there seems infinite time to decide what you want to be "when you grow up." Well, Father Time swoops down as you're nearing 30 to say, you're all grown up now, pick a path.

Time to Get Real
Sometimes we make life choices before we really know who we are. At the Saturn return, some of these choices are revealed to be out of sync with our true destiny. And it's a big deal, since there may be marriages and whole careers up for review. The U.S. Census reports a peak of divorces around age 30 when promises made in the blush of youth don't match the core of either person as they approach this turning point. On the other hand, Saturn may bring a fated relationship, that leads to a serious commitment with long-term potential.​

The Dreams of Youth
The Saturn return brings with it the pressure of time, and often the first awareness of your own mortality. You take stock of what it would take to achieve those big dreams, and often a sense of dread at ever getting there. But happily, it's a time when things like discipline, focus, and clear-sight come in to give you a kind of pragmatic hope. You'll figure out what's still possible, and make the changes necessary to get on track.

It's a crossroads period when life-altering decisions are made. For example, at age 30, Vincent Van Gogh became a painter, instead of a minister.

Stripping Down
The Saturn return often creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. And many of these have deep roots in your psyche, but they're also about living up to societal expectations. Saturn causes a mini earthquake to the foundations, and this enables you to shake off what's not really You. Saturn's other alias is Lord of Karma, and here's the test of whether you can become your own authority. Can you discover an unshakable core self within you that will be the basis for a lifetime of growth?

Saturn and Depression
Saturn has been known as the Great Malefic, whose transits are met with dread. But Saturn is simply the instigator of change, all meant to lead you toward healing and a real foundation of self. If you're in your Saturn return, and finding it hard to cope, get used to letting go of what's not working. When you hold on to things that Saturn is trying to break up, that's when the suffering is compounded.

Check out one of the Saturn return blogs, so you can share experiences, and not feel so alone. You'll soon see that most people feel confused, lost and even despairing or hopeless at this time.

That’s to put it gently. It can be very depressing and chaotic but once you get through it you find a type of tranquility and comfort in your life many have not yet experienced and will likely last the rest of your life. So that’s the blessing. It’s like coming over the mountain and knowing you have nothing but a massive plateau of valleys and rivers and lakes to explore still but you climbed Everest. You conquered the mountain of your youth and now you get to enjoy full adulthood. 

Without the midlife crisis! Why? Because you don’t allow yourself to fall into cliche psychological traps that society lays out for you anymore. You made it out of your high school politics reality. You dropped the bullshit ego of your youth and you have become a man with a plan! 

Atleast mode can hope. Here’s some info on the seven stages of grief since we all know someone we have loved who has died. If they weren’t someone close to you consider yourself extremely lucky. Especially if you’re in your late 20’s or 30’s. 40’s? I don’t think that’s possible but just in case here’s some real shit that you can deny or you can read and understand and help you process. When I was 15 I went to grief counseling and at the time was give this information and of course didn’t read it much and didn’t care. I was too stoned to care about anything much. 

But I did go back over the years when I was having some fit of of depression or missing my dad or my sister or my beloved grandmother I still miss so much today. 

Citation on Saturn returns ends

The five stages of grief: 

What Does Grief Look and Feel Like?

If you're grieving a loss, you may have a lot of questions. Am I supposed to be feeling this way? Is it wrong for me to feel a certain way when others are feeling differently? How much am I supposed to be feeling at this point? The key to recovery is understanding where you are in the grief process.

Grief is experienced in many ways. Emotions can range from anger to sadness or even numbness. Everything you feel is valid, and despite how intense your emotions may be, you're most likely progressing through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We will further cover these topics and other important aspects of grief later in the article.

Should I Be Reaching Out for Help?

Some people will move through each of the phases of grief on their own, but others may need help. Grief can be debilitating for those dealing with heavy losses, and there's the possibility of developing mental health disorders.

No matter the hardship, grief is a universal experience. It's not a matter of whether you'll grieve, but when. Many have sought help for their grief, and research shows that those who have reached out for guidance have responded positively.

But what is normal to experience during grief, what should you expect, and what may indicate a developing or underlying problem that needs help?

Important Things to Know about Grief

Before we dive into the five main stages of grief, and additional stages presented in other models, here are some important things about grief you should know.

Types of Loss

Most people associate the word 'grief' with the sadness that surrounds the death of a loved one. Yet people can experience grief after many other losses, including a breakup, losing a job or a home, having a part of the body like an arm or leg removed, being diagnosed with a terminal illness, or having to drop out of college. All of these situations can lead to a feeling of loss and may add an extra layer of complexity that therapy could address.

The Grief Process

You may experience the stages of grief in any order and any number of times. You may feel sad at the beginning, move on to anger, and then return to sadness. Take your time to grieve. Allow yourself to do it in your own unique way, but remember that help is available if you feel grief is significantly impacting your life.

 Citation on grief stages 


What You Probably Don't Know about the Stages of Grief

Many people don't realize that the stages of grief were developed to explain the emotional trajectory of people with a terminal illness. The stages originally appeared in a book called On Death and Dying, by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. In this book, Kübler-Ross writes about the stages of death: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

She did not develop the stages to describe the loss people experience when a loved one dies-only the experiences of the terminally ill, but after some time, people used these phases to explain personal losses as well. Below, the different stages are explained.


When you're in denial about the loss, you try to convince yourself or others the event hasn't happened or isn't permanent. You know the facts, of course. If your spouse has died, you might accept that it happened but then believe for a time that their death means nothing to you. If your parents have divorced, you might try to get them back together even after they've moved on to other relationships. Following a job loss, you might go back to work thinking they didn't really mean it when they fired you.


You may be angry with the person who left you, or you may feel angry with yourself. You might find yourself shouting at people, or showing irritation at everything from minor inconveniences to significant letdowns. This stage can happen at any time, even after you go through a period of acceptance. The benefit of the grief stages is that they help you deal with the loss and move on. Anger can energize you to do just that.


At some point, you may find yourself trying to reclaim what you've lost. This part of the stages of grief help cope with the loss. People often promise God they'll live a better life if the tragedy is undone. A child may promise to pick up their toys and stop arguing with their siblings if their parents will get back together. Bargaining is a stage that sometimes brings up uncomfortable discussions that go nowhere.

Learn More About The Stages Of Grief And How To Cope With Them
Click Here To Get Matched With A Licensed Counselor Today


You may feel sad and cry often. You might notice changes in your appetite or sleep patterns. You might have unexplained aches and pains. This stage can occur in a breakup, in the death of a loved one, or any other loss, but it's a situational depression that may soon pass naturally as you move toward acceptance.


The last of the Dr. Kübler-Ross stages of grief is acceptance. You understand what you've lost and recognize how important that thing or person was to you. You no longer feel angry about it, and you're finished with bargaining to get it back. You're ready to start rebuilding your life.

Complete acceptance brings peace-but often this stage is never complete. Instead, you might feel sad during death anniversaries or angry when you feel life would work out so much better if you just had that thing or person with you now. When you accept the loss fully, you'll understand the stages of grief better.

The Seven Stages of Loss

Dr. Kübler-Ross refined her model to include seven stages of loss. The seven stages of loss model is a more in-depth analysis of the components of the grief process. These seven stages include shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. Kubler-Ross added the two steps as an extension of the grief cycle. In the shock phase, you feel paralyzed and emotionless. In the testing stage, you try to find realistic solutions for coping with the loss and rebuilding your life.

Other Variations

In addition to the five-stage and seven-stage models, you may have heard about the four stages of grief or the six stages of grief. John Bowlby, a British psychologist, studied the stages of grief and loss before Dr. Kübler-Ross presented her five stages of grief. His work was with children with attachment issues. One of these, of course, is grief. Bowlby's four stages of grief are: 1) shock and numbness, 2) yearning and searching, 3) despair and disorganization, 4) reorganization and recovery.

The six stages of grief is merely an extension of Kubler-Ross's original five-stage process. The only difference is that the shock stage starts before denial. What are the actual stages of grief then? That is a question only you can answer. The stages of grief you experience might be different from someone else's.

Getting Stuck?

Sometimes the grief process doesn't go well. The bereaved may become stuck in one stage of grief, unwilling or unable to move through the process. In a worst-case scenario, the person can continue to be angry, sad, or even in denial for the rest of their life. When this happens, they usually need to talk to a grief counselor before they can move out of that stage. Otherwise, the intense pain might continue over the course of many years. Also, they may miss opportunities to build a new life that can bring happiness in the here and now.

Even if you don't become stuck in one particular stage of grief and loss, you might get stuck in the cycle. You move through the stages, but then move back to the previous ones, never quite able to free yourself. This return to earlier stages usually means you haven't thoroughly dealt with them yet. In cases of extreme loss, this may be necessary for a time. The shock, denial, anger, and bargaining can eventually lead to acceptance.


When Grief Doesn't End, BetterHelp Can Help

Grief counseling is available to help people who are overwhelmed after a loss. Whether you're stuck in your grief cycle, in one stage of grief, or are dealing with issues stemming from your grief, such as depression, starting your own grief counseling journey will provide you with the necessary resources to help you recover.

Talking to a grief counselor online at allows you to work through your grief in a safe and comfortable setting when it works best for you. offers paid counseling online with certified therapists and is effective for people who are grieving, depressed, have anger management issues, or are dealing with any other mental health or emotional problem. By choosing online counseling, you skip the wait and start receiving professional support and guidance immediately. Read some of the reviews listed below, from people experiencing similar issues.

I purposely talked about this in the friends chapter because to me that’s what true friends do. They reach out to you during your darkest moments. Or when you’re going through a break up or whatever it is. They’re there for you. And when you lose a friend you enter grief and maybe that friend was the one that was there for you. So maybe this book and maybe these words and maybe confronting your pain and loss and trauma and heartbreak will help you heal and grow and evolve and become stronger and more alive and full of love in your heart. 

Full of self love. The most important kind. Full of love and acceptance of yourself. Forgive yourself! You’re allowed to get depressed! You’re allowed to cry! You’re allowed to feel all the things we constantly are told by society to deny. You’re allowed to be selfish and take time off and lay around and order food and get away from REALITY! 

Reality bites! So take a break sometimes when you need to. Take an unplanned and unscheduled vacation. Take a road trip and just drive and fucking drive until you’re not thinking about anything and just driving some place you’ve never been or just going where you don’t even know you’re going yet. It’s called exploring! 

If it feels right take some friend along for the ride or meet some friends along the way! Travellig alone helps you grow. It helps you find out whatever you like without the peer pressure if others around you. Maybe you don’t even like to drink alcohol but you don’t know that because you’re always around your friends. Maybe when you’re alone and exploring life you’ll realize you were just doing what your friends were doing. Maybe you’ll realize you’re a completely different person when you’re by yourself and maybe you’ll realize you like that person more. Maybe you are a different person because maybe your friends are influencing each other. 

You will only know by trying it out. By finding out. I’m not saying to abandon your friends in any way shape or form as many of them you will know and love and cherish for the rest of your lives. I’m just sayin to expand your life! 

Your body makes you happy. Your mind is happy when your body is happy. Your heart is happy when your mind is happy. Your soul is happy when your heart is happy. 

Life your best life. Love your friends as if they might die tomorrow. It’s a terrible but also strikingly true thing. Love them like you love anything else. But first always and foremost love your selves!!!

Ride or die bitches! 

  1. What are your doing for your friends(health) each day, week or month? 
  2. What regrets do you have about your friends from the first half of your life that you want to avoid or change for the second half?
  3. What is your favorite thing about your friends from the first half of your life that you want to continue for the second half?
  4. What is one thing you see others do with/for their friends that you would like to do with/for yours? 
  5. What’s your favorite part of your friends/friendships and your least favorite part? 
  6. What makes you feel the strongest in your friendships?
  7. What’s the most important thing this chapter has made you think about or feel or want to do regarding your friends? 
  8. What’s your own tips for yourself and others on maintaining a happy and healthy friendships? 


Chapter 8: Your Legacy 

Your Legacy is Your Legacy.

Your legacy is your legacy. Just like your body you only get one. So don’t fuck it up.

They remember how you made them feel, when you showed up. 

Let me repeat that: 


You only get one chance to make a first impression and first impressions last for a lifetime. Be sure to shake someone’s hand if not hug them and give them a kiss on the cheek. (Unless you are sick). When you borrow someone’s car return it with a full tank of gas. When you borrow something else give it back when you say you will and in as good or better condition than when you borrow it. Keep your word. Open doors for women. Always good the door for anyone. Women and girl go first. Always be a gentleman. My Jewish grandmother from Brooklyn New York always told me “Beauy a gentleman always has matches and a handkerchief” and that they always go out of their way to assist and protect girls and women in any possible way. Probably partly what lead me to become a bouncer/security guard/security director. I didn’t do it to get a chance to beat guys up. (I never threw punches just submissions) I did it to protect women. Many times I saw a woman being grabbed to roughly or a domestic dispute turn violent and was there to do my best to make her feel protected and give the guy the piece of mind I always did.

Your legacy will be the way you make people feel. You don’t need to be the funniest guy in the room. You don’t need to be wealthiest guy.

Nobody cares. What they care about is that you’re a GENUINE and decent human being.

I like to think my legacy will be that I am an honest man, a hard working man, an ingenuitive man. A Man that’s loyal, a supportive friend, a loving and supportive son, a dedicated, supportive and engaged dad. 

And an activist patriot who loves his country and wants it to evolve and grow into an even more free, equal and just society.

Other than that I’m good. I want to stay young though. Not in my looks. I don’t care about that. I mean it’s nice to stay in shape and it takes work and dedication but I want to stay young ay heart. 

On us men being allies for women in abusive or chaotic relationships or situations: 

Not sure if you know but I’ve been a personal activist and support person for women and girls. I was around strong women in a tight community who inspired me to become a feminist. I don’t care about men’s insecurities. I learned at a young age what girls and then women endure in assault and unwanted attention from men. My best friend told me about her rape when we were 15 and I told her I’d get her justice and I’d pay him a visit but she made me promise to never do that dark vengeance but instead to help others when I can. To be the better man.  The Gillette commercial proved men can do better but they just don’t want to. They don’t want to evolve. They want to keep women from rising to their true power and glory. 

Well I won’t stand for that. I’ve been a liaison between battered, abused, assaulted and women who are victims of rape and the police, sheriff etc. they reach out to me after knowing I’m an ally and I help talk them through the process and many times make the actual call to authorities and then add them to the line third party. I didn’t know my work as an ally of women would lead me to this position but it just happened once and then it happened again. And then again. I guess they feel safe knowing I’m a man who is willing to do anything to help protect them wether I know them as personal friend or not. 

Well I had the honor of serving a man (ex husband of close friend) his notice for summons to appear in court on charges of domestic violence/assault to his ex wife. I will say “you have been served” and the moment I say that I will take one more step towards knowing the world is moving away from this patriarchal nonsense of the last 2000 years. 

My work in private security is based around helping my community. I never knew I’d take so much pride and feel so much comfort being in a position like a bouncer and eventual Security Director/Officer. But it makes sense. Many times I’ve been the witness to a scene I had the opportunity to show women in public and in front of other men that some of us are here to protect them and to hopefully make an example for others that we won’t allow them to be treated any less than equal. We are the ones who have your back. There’s many of out there so please feel free to reach out. Just remember how many of us had good mothers. Good grandmothers and good female best friends and girls/women around us who made enough impression at a young enough age to change our reality from just a bystander and “another one of the guys” to people who are willing to do something to help make thus world a better and safer place for you and your daughters/grand daughters etc. 

It also will be instilled in my son. The absolute necessity to show respect, restraint, endearing true friendship and most importantly courage to love. 

If someone ever hurt you or if it ever happens in the future please reach out to a man you trust and then to the authorities. It’s changing. Slowly but surely it’s finally changing. 

We are all in this together. 

My personal phone number is 323-445-1605 and I’ve never once mentioned anyone or anything to do with cases publicly. I never would. I swear my honor to this. We need to prevent this from happening so much and happening to the next woman after you. Even if it doesn’t get them in prison getting the record of reporting it to the police is the first step. Once it’s on record if they ever do anything again it changes everything. Also a DV conviction bans them from ever owning a firearm for life. Please don’t stay silent. You can do it privately and quietly. You don’t need to let anyone know but no more. Do it for the next generation of girls if not even for yourself. You’re saving them by saving yourself. 

I’m doing this so more women reach out and more men step up as public allies. 

Feel free to share this story or any other parts from the book on social media as well as my link to the book and contact info. (Otherwise publishers may get mad) Also my mother is a deputy county council and judge and willing to give free legal advice on any and all cases to help women and men who are victims of any abuse. She has 40 years serving her community and state and defer under the governor regarding child protective services. I get her advice for anyone that contacts me and sometimes they contact her directly too. 

#metoo #ustoo #themtoo #allofustogether

Your legacy will not just affect you. It will affect those around you. 

If possible try not to become bitter or jaded or annoyed with the youth or the changing of our culture. The only thing cab every truly be constant is change. Better to be prepared for it and neutral if not supportive. And best to change yourself as welll. 

I’m not going to allow myself to be one of the adults that shuns an entire generation like the baby boomers did to us. They wrote us off and make fun of us just the like shallow, immature egotistical pricks that they are. So now we have to prove them wrong. Which we already have. Look at AOC (alexandria ocasio-Cortez) I’m thankful for her! She’s 27 years old and the youngest female congresswoman in history.  She puts them in them in their place and is now the most talked about and followed woman in America. Finally ended the reign of kardashian idiocy. And what does Kim K do as soon as she finds out AOC is more popular than her? She becomes political overnight and goes and petitions the president for pardons. And to her power it worked. She got Cyntoia Brown Pardoned. So more power to kim k. I also heard she’s enrolled in law school. Smart. Know the laws. Take your power. Do you. But AOC is a natural born leader. She saw the chance and took it. Now she owns it the Puerto Rican american queen that she is. 

I’m going to always stay connected. To the younger generations the older generations and even the youngest. It’s our duty as citizens to listen to each cause and decide if and how we can help if not only to shed light on that issue or cause. 

We must never lose the child inside us. The spirit that smiles when we see a puppy walking down the street and want to reach out and let it lick our face and pet its soft belly. We must be constantly inspired by all things both good and bad in th sense that good things should be celebrated and given more momentum and bad things must be recognized and categorized and counter acted if necessary. As well as they must be spoken about debated and contrasted with activism and enforcement from the citizens and our government we are never allowed to stay in what is known comfortably at by so many people as denial. 

We must always support our friends and peers and colleagues and shine light on them and promote them and help them by consulting and supporting their careers and projects and ventures and causes and lives. 

We must always support our communities and local businesses and foundations and charities and churches and temples and monasteries and youth clubs. 

We must always speak our truth and our minds wether we are accepted for it or rejected it does not matter for it's our duty as patriots of the USA and even just as humans of earth to stand and speak and be heard when we are concerned or activated to lead and to challenge the status quo. 

And when we become the status quo we must learn from the mistakes of the baby boomers and shine a light on the younger generation and listen to their voices and proudly stand arm in arm in solidarity with them as comrades of the world. 

That is how we will leave our legacy. Our grandparents and great grandparents might’ve been the greatest generation for winning World War II and for establishing the middle class but we will be known forever as the millennial generation and our legacy will be different but will be just as great. 

I promise you this. We are just getting started. This is our time to create our legacy so that we change the world for the better for our children and for generations to come. If we need to get out and run for office then so be it. There’s no time like present. What are you waiting for? I’m not waiting any longer. 

I’ve never been one to wait around or look around or stick around a job I hated for more and better opportunities. I forced myself to make my own. 

When I was 15 I applied for a job at sports fever (Local sports shop with some skate/snow) because I was obsessed with skateboards and skateboarding but they wouldn’t hire me. So when I was 16 I took my ged got out of highschool and opened my own skateboard shop. 

When I was 19 I applied for some jobs to do photography and videography but they wouldn’t hire me. So I bought my own equipment, took some classes, trained myself to use it and was published in magazines and shooting the X-Games the next year in SF. 

When I was 25 I applied for some jobs to do photography in LA and they wouldn’t hire me (other than non-paid intern). So I started my own portfolio and developed my own style and technique and was shooting famous models, actors, actresses etc a couple years later. 

When I was 30 I applied for some jobs to run photo studios and galleries and they wouldn’t hire me. So I started my own studio/gallery and profited the first month and every month after until the building was demolished. 

Now I’m 39 I applied for some jobs last year and actually got hired to run an amazing surf company producing massive events on the beaches of Southern California. It was a six figure salary and working for amazing people. But it still didn’t fulfill me. I was building someone else’s company. Someone else’s empire. Someone else’s dream. 

So I quit and now I’m launching my own event  production company but starting with a brick & mortar location in venice that’s a craft beer and wine bar and event space. I’m fucking excited! All of my past experiences have lead me here to this. We are in talks already with investors and actually have offers to sell equity just from the initial meetings. We’re finishing laying the groundwork and will likely open doors sometime in 2019 if not then by 2020 for sure. 

You get the idea here. You normally have to create your own company if you don’t want to work for someone else’s. Does that guarantee stable and long term success? Absolutely not. 

But either way here’s to following your dreams and your passion no matter how many times you’re denied a job or an opportunity or an open door! 

If you can’t find an open door then open your own!

Your legacy is your legacy. Shine your light bright and shine your light on others and yours will only shine brighter too. 

So what is your legacy though? Is it your career? Your education? Your family? Your friends? Your network? 

Is your legacy how you impacted the world or your community? Is your legacy the meals you cooked for neighbors in the back yard by the barbecue soaking up the sun and smiling all day long? 

I like to thing our legacy is the way we impact the world, the love we created and shared with others and the way we made people feel. 

There’s some famous quote or viral quote that I can’t remember exactly but paraphrasing goes something like: 

“People won’t remember what you said to them or what you did for them or anything like that. But they will
Remember how you made them feel” 

I think about that a lot. Because sometimes I feel bad with how harsh I can be online. I create posts that are controversial but in turn they create dialogue that can be brash at times but can also be very provocative and activists engage and it becomes a culture shift. Even if one person leaves feeling different and thinning differently about the world they can have effect on hundreds of others. They can be one voters. They can become advocates. They can speak out against racism and nationalism hatred and oppression of any kind. I can be very absolute and condemning of such things as modern republicans because at a very young age I realized they were different than I am. I’m not just talking politically. I’m taking personally. They treat people differently. They act different around people of color. They act differently around anyone who
Isn’t like them. A supposed white “christian” abd they use that to judge and condem others of such things as being gay or queer or even such bigoted and racist things such as using the N word and calling Latinos wet backs and other racist terms. Not all republicans are this way. But anyone not willing to admit the majority are abd any others are complicit is in a place mentally known as DENIAL. they don’t want to
Come to the harsh and depressing reality that vastly half off America stil hates black people. And gays. And Mexicans. And anyone else who isn’t like them in their ignorant and sheltered reality.  

So where does that leave us? The altruistic wanna be revolutionary and empathetic millennials who want to not only save the world and the environment but also want to shift humanity into a place to evolve beyond these archaic ave dogmatic tribal cliches? It leaves us standing out ground. That’s where and willing to fight. Literally we punch nazis. And frightfully so. Fuck nazis! Fuck their small minded white little heads full of hate because they’re so intimidated by other bigger, stringer, faster and more well endowed black men. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on. Now I’m not advocating violence. I’m advocating self defense. If someone threatens you, your family, your friends or even any member of society in general or in public you have a right to defend yourself abd anyone else around you and in the case of any crime above misdemeanor like assault or attacks of any kind you have a right to do a citizens arrest. I’ve done it before. And it was one of my proudest moments ever. I’ve actually been involved with multiple arrests and being a licensed and active security guard and security Director I have the power to arrest for anything I choose. Usually law enforcement recommended only anything above a misdemeanor. Which happens often in my line of work or (former like of work when this book gets published) 

This is from a recent post due to trumps racist and vitriolic rhetoric and republicans racist ideology and stance in general: 

“”I just had a situation at the playground with my son I noticed a black man was on the sidewalk outside the fence talking to a Latina woman a nanny and accusing her of being an illegal immigrant and threatening to deport her to Mexico By the time I realize what he was saying she stood up and started walking away with the baby and his voice got louder and so I stood up and walked over to intervene. He saw me coming over and lowered his voice but kept talking and as she walked away I asked him to please keep walking and so he came closer to me to try to explain his diatribe about how she should be deported back to Mexico. Hi again politely asked them to keep walking and then he proceeded to start saying things to me with profanity and I explained to him that there was kids at the park and all I was doing was asking him to be respectful of that. He said the kids were fine so I again asked him to move on and walked away. 

He did. But not until my posture changed and I started to shift like I was going to jump the fence. I wasn’t backing down abd he knew it. I usually carry military grade pepper spray on me at all times. I own guns but don’t carry. I always always Lwats have a legal folding knife in my right front pocket and in bad bars I worked in I kept a dagger in my boot as well for worst case scenario or if I couldn’t reach my pocket. I think other men sense when other men aren’t afraid of them. Or even feel no fear at all. I don’t fear death. I mean a normal amount I guess but not from any man. 

Finally he kept rambing in his bigoted tirade and walked off. 

I returned to check on my son and then walked over to the woman and told her that was inappropriate and that she is welcome here and all of her family etc. she had teared up and she explained that she is third generation American citizen and that this is been happening to her regularly recently from black and white men. She thanked me and I gave her a hug and explain to her that she didn’t need to thank me that that we are all the same and I explained that I have at most respect for her and her roots as this used to be Mexico itself. She said it’s been bad and eyes watering. Explain the old adage that sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better and said she hopes so. I said I know so. 

Hendrix and I went back to play and a mom walked over to me and thanked me. She pointed out the new sign that said “if you see something say something” and I had no idea it was there. She said things like that have been happening often. I said to her as well that it had to get worse before it could get better. It had to expose the true hearts of people so we can know who is FAMILY and who isn’t. There’s no more politics. No more sides. You’re either an open hearted person who only judges people based on actions or character or you’re a RACIST. There’s no grey area. No middle ground. You either realize we are all from immigrants or you’re on the outside looking in at us who know all humans are on this planet together. 

I’m astounded at how many Americans truly are prejudice, racist, sexist and bigoted. 

It’s sad for you people. You’ll be left outside alone in the dark while we stand together with people of all color and types in the light. 

Unity is the only way. 

Before leaving I introduced myself to the latina american woman and Hendrix and I shook
Her hand. I told her that we got this and she finally dried her eyes and smiled a tiny bit. 

Imagine being her. In the city she was born. Working and feeding her family and being told to go back to a country that she’s never belonged to. She’s a true American. Please don’t stay quiet. We need to help
Each other through this dark time. Speak up. Speak out. Activate. 

Stay strong brothers and sisters. We got this.””

So where does that leave me personally regarding my person legacy? Well I pray that this book has an impact on a generation of boys and men. I pray that those men find wats to evolve abd honestly just look out for one another and protect each other and speak out against racist jokes and sexists jokes and misogyny in general so that we bring back respect to our society that is lacking. 

I have no more great dreams or fantasies about my career and life and legacy will be.

Because I found myself. I figured out who I am. Abd by taking this summer off I realized that I had been a good man. Not perfect by any means. But if 40 is halfway through my life and and this where I am and what I’ve done and who I am I’m ok with that. No need for a crisis because I’ve done the work and feel good. Do I feel great or amazing? Sometimes. Do I still have days I get frustrated and depressed even? Yep. Will i for the rest of my life? I don’t know. Maybe. But I know doing good, taking care of my body, my mind, my heart, my soul makes me feel whole. Makes me feel content. Makes me feel like a man. A truly grown and mature(though still and always young at heart) man. Something my mom can be proud of and to be honest that’s all that matters to me. Every single thing I did or am doing in my career I used as an example to hold up to her career. What she’s done. Her legacy. How many children abd familes she helped through CPS and being a liaison for social services and a judge. Who am I? Her son what is my legacy. Well it’s still to be decided. But I know I’m
Loved and I love her and that everything I’ve done I show her and she’s proud. I wish I would’ve graduated college as she dreamed her sons would do. But it wasn’t my path. I had paid my way to get into university. When I saw the debt I would accrew I decided it wasn’t for me. I’d always made my own way. Walked my own road. That’s what lead me to this. I still studied my ass off in college. I took every writing class three different JCs had. Sierra, Butte, and Carrillo. Ever photo course too. But sometimes you just do it for you. I couldn’t force myself to finish university for her. It would t have been for me. It was my legacy to not. It was my legacy to say no, Beau go do you. That’s why I’m writing this book. Hoping others will seek out their truest selves. Whatever that may be so long as it’s healthy and not hurting anyone. 

Your legacy is your legacy. It will be what you carry through the second half of your life all the way to the grave. Abd it’s never too late. I met people in their 60’s and even 70’s at my community colleges. They just wanted to learn new things and I’m sure being around youth was inspiring and invigorating. So if you’re reading this maybe make a list. Or multiple lists. As soon as you write something down it becomes real. The universe responds. Write it in your notes in your phone. Anything. Both. Start doing something or anything that leads you to your legacy. You’re already living it so might as well just live it even more. 

If my legacy comes down to one thing I’d want it to be that day in the park in Santa Monica. Standing up to that racist man ranting his evil words into the ether. Her just living her life. Trying to help raise a child for parents who are at work. Just all of going about our day as humans. i didn’t feel like a hero. I didn’t feel special. I felt LOVING. I knew she felt loved and protected by a random stranger in a park. I hugged her and told her that it wasn’t going to stay like this. I PROMISED her. That I would everything I could to help our society evolve and be more full of LOVE. 

If that defining moment for her and I and the other witnesses in that park that day helped us become better and more evolved people that also means that the man, the racist bigot became less evolved. So that is part of what we have to realize. That most of our society is going to continue to evolve and our legacy will grow and America will prevail. But we will also have to come to terms with the harsh reality that some people won’t be along for the ride. Some of them we will be FORCED to leave behind. Just like we were forced to fight the nazis in World War II. And we were forced to fight the confederate to free the slaves in the first civil war. So too we will be forced to separate our friends and our enemies. Our allies and those aligned with the other side and live in peace among our diverse brothers and sisters of all races, ethnicities, nationalities, gender identities, sexual preferences and differences. 

Your legacy is our legacy. Our legacy is connected. We are all on this earth together just trying to find peace and happiness and the sooner we can help others wake up to that reality and drop the race to capitalist self destruction the sooner we can have a more functional society. 

We must shift our nation. We must shift our culture. We must shift our reality. 

We must create our legacy. 

  1. What are your doing for your legacy each day, week or month? 
  2. What regrets do you have about your legacy from the first half of your life that you want to avoid or change for the second half?
  3. What is your favorite thing about your legacy from the first half of your life that you want to continue for the second half?
  4. What is one thing you see others do with/for their legacy that you would like to do with/for yours? 
  5. What’s your favorite part of your legacy and your least favorite part? 
  6. What makes you feel the strongest in your legacy?
  7. What’s the most important thing this chapter has made you think about or feel or want to do regarding your legacy? 
  8. What’s your own tips for yourself and others on maintaining a legacy? 


Chapter 9: Your Soul (again) 

Your Soul is Your Soul. Your soul is not only the energy of how you can walk into a room and light up the the room. Your soul is also the spirit that lives inside of you. 

Your soul is your soul and it’s eternal. It’s scary to think about. I was definitely scared of understanding that at first. Then my sister Amber (who died when I was 15) visited me in my dreams. I had been waiting many years for it to happen but I guess when I finally felt like I knew she was ok and didn’t suffer etc etc. she paid me a visit. It was a magical thing. It was real. Dreams are not just our mind playing out wild random movies while our eyes are closed. That’s not possible. Because first of all you’d be able to do that without sleeping. Second of all you wouldn’t “fall into sleep”. You’d just close your eyes and that’s it. But how many times do you half way “fall” into sleep and your whole body slightly jumps back awake? Why is it your whole body and not just your eyes? Because your whole body is shutting off and your soul/spirit is still awake but it’s also opening to the 4th dimension which is where my sister and all the other souls that have passed that didn’t go to the fire to burn are hanging out. Your whole body “falls into sleep” because it falls into the other world. Your mind shuts off it’s primary functions and your soul takes the wheel. “

Where are we going tonight Beau?” it says with a sly grin and a wink of the eye...

“Wherever you want to take me good spirit”.

On that night she visited me I was lucid in my dream (out of my body) my body had fallen asleep but my mind and my spirit were CLEARLY AWAKE. I was walking down commercial street in Nevada City the beautiful Victorian era gold mining town in the Sierra Nevada foothills of Lake Tahoe area. I had been there a thousand times. We hung out at “caffe Mecca” my whole adolescence. I was awake in my dream though. I knew I was dreaming. I wasn’t just dreaming though I was in the 4th dimension. My soul was hanging out with other souls in the ether or the energy that exists behind the next curtain. I walked towards the coffee shop and I felt like I didn’t understand why I was back home. I had grown up there but I was born in LA and lived in SoCal as a kid. But I wasn’t visiting either. It’s as if I was living there again back when I was 15. But I was a grown man my age. So I was in two different time periods at the same time. All of the sudden I decide to turn around and look towards the bank and see why I’m home but not really and coming around the corner is a beautiful young woman with long bright auburn brown hair with big flowing curls and an aura completely surrounding her of lavender light. It’s epic. It’s my sister Amber. She slows to a stop just arms reach away from me and looks deep into my eyes. She’s real. She’s ALIVE. She smiles at me so softly that it’s a smile like someone smiles at the end of a yoga class. Complete ZEN. Then before I can smile back as I’m about to she hugs me with both arms all the way around me and I feel the aura of lavender envelop my being. It’s the warmest and sweetest and deepest hug I’ve ever felt in my life and I’m completely at peace.

Then I wake up.

My dad is a red tailed hawk.

Well not just one hawk per se. but many.

My dad is many red tailed hawks.

Well not just red tailed hawks per se. but also he was a golden eagle once.

My dad is a golden eagle.

Well not just a golden eagle per se. but also he was a little sparrow once.

My dad is a little sparrow.

Well not just a little sparrow per we. But also he was a man once.

My dad is a man.

Well not just a man per se. But also was an angel once

My dad is an angel.

My dad is an angel and he visits me in the form of birds.

Sound crazy? You’re fucking telling me. I’m the one that has to deal with all the big ass birds of prey showing up whenever I think about him in a certain way or whenever he wants me to think about him.

I’m going to tell you two examples of these amazing birds visiting me but only two. The rest I’m saving for either another book or to tell people in person because when I tell these stories about my dad people get chills and goosebumps and we all know what that means.

My dad is a golden eagle.

The day of my dads celebration of life we released 21 doves from our property in Nevada City of 10 acres of magical land. I’m talking the most beautiful place in the world. The yuba river that winds though those mountains is straight up paradise on earth. Anybody who’s never soaked in that water for days and days and slept on it’s sandy little beaches to wake up and swim naked has no idea what life is really about.

Anyways the second the doves were released we all rejoiced in awe as these majestic little angelic arrows of flight circled our heads bigger and higher in perfect unison around our land. Eventually their homing powers of perfected biological magic tool over and they darted south and west towards Sactown (Sacramento) where they live. Over 60 miles. They would fly directly there stopping for nothing and all 21 doves made it safely home that day. Magic. My dads spirit was with them. Soaring around those blue skies.

The next day my oldest brother Sean, my second oldest brother Lee and I drove up to go snowboarding. We were all skiers as kids though. My dads all time favorite thing. He probably loved skiing more than sex!! And he loved sex. He was a true romantic. Truly enjoyed life and the elements and the senses. Food, music, dancing, get the vibe. Some old school gentleman type.

So we get to squaw valley. Early. Somehow. We had all played pool the night before and I All our god brothers were there. Josh, Adam, Loren and Chandler. Sammy and a few others from the crew. I just Sharked them on the pool table of course. Absolutely destroyed any game we played. My dad had taught me how to shoot pool and I was the youngest brother (besides chan) but he was so much younger he never really grew up with us the same way. So me. The young smart ass punk took everyone’s money. 8 ball. 9 ball. And of course the one easiest to take peoples money with. 3 ball. It was hilarious. They feigned to be mad but we just buried my dad and hell it was my pool table now. I mean I played on it with my dad the most. Him and I played for hours. So many nights. So many good times. I figured I’d inherit that pool table someday. If not the house that it was in as well. But that’s a different story for another book about how my former step mom took everything. Our whole side of the family’s inheritance. Gone. What a greedy woman. But this is about my dad. And how his spirit visits me. And the first time of course was the most grand and majestic of all. (So far) I’m sure when my son is ready he will visit us more too.

That day was for Pops we all agreed. Today we were riding for him. Shredding. We were ready to fly down the slopes and feel the smiles across our faces blessed with having such a cool dad and such great generics wink* wink*

Pshhaw. What you thought I wasn’t gonna throw in a humble brag that the Pollock men are the hottest tall dark and handsome Scottish men this side of the Atlantic? Gimme a break.

We are.

So Sean, Lee and I went snowboarding that day and as we were walking up to the gondola/tram that takes you up over the first mountain to “high camp” we kind of hesitated as the big tram was getting full. There was still plenty of room but we all kind of looked at each other and silently agreed we would just wait and catch the next one. I think they only come every ten minutes or so.

We boarded with one couple and they went to one big windowed doors side and we stayed at the other. We all were leaning against the hand rail and looking at the view. Squaw valley is no ordinary ski resort. It hosted the 1984 USA Olympics. It’s an epic series of mountain peaks 12,000 feet high with valleys stretching to Lake Tahoe. It’s one of the top visited places to ski in the world. As we approached the first peak and climbed over the tram slowed down as the cables sunk with its weight into the valley. We all lazily stared out looking at the valley. Something was coming towards us from a few miles away. I thought it was a small airplane at first. It was gigantic and grayish black and brown. As it got closer we all held our breath. It was a massive golden eagle and it charged directly at us. Closer and closer until it got within just a few yards then it spread its wings wide as it could and lifted its head up to the heaves and swooped with an epic display of its golden belly and underside and spread eagle wings up and over us and on to the the other side.

We were dead silent. The next 30 minutes NONE OF SAID ONE FUCKING WORD.

Nothing. Not til we were strapped it after we ride the first chair lift over to the other side. Stunned.

We all new our dead father had just visited us. It was a sign and you’d have to be blind to now have seen it and understood it.

My dad is a golden eagle.

My dad is a golden eagle…

My dad is a red tailed hawk. 

My dad visits me regularly in the form of birds and I’ve spoke to dozens of others with similar experiences. 

My dad died when I was 21. It may sound crazy but he visits me in the form of birds. Mostly hawks and one time an eagle. He hovered over me tonight as I walked. Literally just tonight stayed right over my head for 15 seconds and stared at me. I needed that visit. It had been a few weeks. Death is scary for sure but I know it's not the end. There is no end. The light at the end of the tunnel is rebirth. It's reconnection to god and it's not some dude up in the sky it's the all encompassing energy of all life on earth and in the universe. It's love and light and the highest most pure form of energy. My dad was clairvoyant and also could see spirits. He never talked about it to me because I think he didn't want me to be scared. I've had a few clairvoyant things happen too but I block it out mostly because I'm too busy. It feel good though when he visits me. It's hard to believe for some people but it's real. There's nobody else on this earth that I know of that has hawks visit them weekly or monthly. One time my ex and I were talking about my dad and she told me she felt him. It was sunset and we were out in the desert and a ful moon was rising. She shed a tear and within 5 or 10 seconds a massive red tail hawk appeared out of nowhere and flew directly over our heads literally only ten feet above us. She looked at me and told me it was him but I already knew. It had already happened to me before. Someday i want to write a screenplay about parts of my experience with this to help people feel calm and safe and protected in life and in death. We have nothing to fear but that's obviously the hardest part and I wish I could share the magic of these experiences I've had in more than just a post but for now I just wanted you to know. 

Your relatives and ancestors might be visiting you too

You just have to look for the signs. And feel the signs. It’s in your gut. Trust you gut. Always.

I’ll get to the trusting your gut in the last chapter because shit bros. That one is a doozy!!!

Your soul is your soul. You can feel it alive or inside you if you try. 

  1. What do you believe happens to your soul?
  2. What do you feel is most important regarding your soul? 
  3. Do you ever talk about deep things like souls and death or reincarnation or any subjects like that? If so why or why not?


Chapter 10: Your Death (just your body)

Your death is your death.

Your death is your death but just your body. Not only will your legacy live on and your energy will live on in those you know and love but also your soul will live on. In fact it lived before “you”did. “You” is a concept of self. What I believe is there is no “self” in other realms. That there is “one great energy” “one great spirit” etc and that we are all part of that. And if you want to have another “self” or another “body” then instead of passing though the light into the heavens you will return again into another body. That’s what I choose every time. I find it more fun and more challenging. They call people like me “an old soul”. But what they don’t know is that I’m just getting started. I’m a fixed earth triple Taurus born on the day the only and largest volcano in North America has ever erupted. Mt. Saint Helens. I’m not your average earth baby. I’m not here to play sides of pick favorites. I’m here to help you evolve and then back again. 

Back to your death. Or what you could call your passing on. Or your fall to the heavens. Or flight. Or one way ticket to paradise. 

Think about it like falling asleep. You still dream right? But not really though. Just like when you “fall” into sleep you sort of do the opposite with your death. You float into death. (Just my opinion/theory) Which is true. (From what I’ve seen) and I’m telling you the truth I HAVE seen it. I held my step dads moms hand as she took her last breath. The nurse and I were talking to her letting her know it was ok and that we were all going to be ok and we loved her very much. Grandma kitty took one last semi-deep breath and relaxed her body as if she’d just had the best massage ever. Her eyes were already closed. She had been semi-coma for a few days. My step dad and his brother were exhausted. I had come down to visit and the whole family had taken turns sitting with her but my step dad hadn’t left her side. He hadn’t slept in 3 days. When I offered to sit with her they all finally agreed it was ok. It might take another day or two anyways. But I was fine with it. I’d been with my dad too. I’d always been very close to death in that way. In a loving and accepting way. Because what other way is there to be? Acceptance is the best thing because it’s only temporary. I know our spirit wants to be released only when the time is right anyways. So there’s nothing to sort out or worry about. We all have a destiny.

When grandma Kitty took that last breath i watched with the nurse. Each of us holding one of her hands as her body relaxed an aura or orange and lavender slowly appeared over her chest and heart area and slowly spread to her whole body and sort of lifted off of her and then slowly dissipated just as quick as it appeared.

Her soul had floated into the ether. Into the fourth dimension and I’m 100% certain her ancestors and or mother and father’s spirit was guiding her lovingly and warmly and peacefully into the heavens.

I knew because I witnessed it with my own eyes. 

There’s also a fantastic book by a guy I randomly met called “God took my clothes” A discussion of God, love, spiritual
insights, and the afterlife, based on
over 600 near-death experiences.

  “Death is only an experience through which you are
meant to learn a great lesson: You cannot die.”
— Paramahansa Yoganandada

**© Copyright 2017 by David William Suich. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.
For ordering copies of physical book, please contact David Suich:
Cell: (714) 991-9241

Back to death 

Your death is your death but really it’s the entrance to your eternal life and if you choose to come back again the next life will be different but you’ll still be the same soul. Just here for another round. Back on the ground. Hangin out. Drinking beers in the park and having burgers and fries with the guys. Ready to go kick some ass on the soccer field or at the football game. Ready for a slice of mom’s homemade apple pie and to kiss that girl who’s been in your eye for the last 6 months.

Don’t wait. Don’t hesitate. This might not be your first rodeo or your first time around but you still never know when you’re gonna go.

This might only be the halfway point. Or even less. You might live to be 100 or 110. Nobody knows. So make the most of it now. 

“Cause life’s a bitch so don’t be a snitch and get high cause you never know when you’re gonna die and fly to the sky angels and airwaves big Indian chiefs and little braces all surfing the same waves in paradise”

Thanks for letting me share this with you. I hope it made you feel something or learn something or at the very least get a new perspective into another persons “life”. My bio is attached if you’d like to read that as well after the glossary and shout outs etc. 

Before I let you go and you close this book and set it down on a table or on a shelf or toss it in the trash or in my hopes pass it on to someone else. Let’s be certain we know the consequences of not working on our body, mind, heart and soul. I sure do. I’ve been to jail and sat there for months dreading my mistakes. You don’t want to go there. I’ve never been to rehab as a patient but I’ve been there to visit many family and friends. I’ve been checked into a mental health facility for emotional/psychological breaks. I’ve been there and done all that it’s horrible. Sometimes as bad as hell on earth. But there’s doctors to help you. They will. Same with AA/NA and all kinds of other ways to get help. For me it’s only made me stronger. But if there was a way for me to go back and do things differently would I? Maybe only because it would remove the worry and stress it caused my family and friends. But doing that wouldn’t have lead me to write this book. To offer some of my darkest secrets and highest points in hopes that it might help you or someone you know.

 I wouldn’t be who I am without my journey. But if there’s anything in this book that helps others bypass those shitty places that so many end up in that’s my dream! 

Think about your actions before you take them. 

Think about your reactions before you make them. 

We’ve all seen the other consequences of letting our demons or dark side get the best of us. Not just detention. Not just jail. But death is one of the common results. Don’t be another statistic. Take action to prepare for stress. Find things like holy basil and cbd and natural remedies to counter act the stress and depression and dependency. Use Kratom to come off the hard stuff. Use help and guidance and do research online and in libraries. Get help from doctors and nurses and psychologists and psychiatrists and health care workers and social services workers. All of it. Just do it! (FU Nike you ain’t getting royalties until you end all sweatshops) 

When we get angry what are we going to do? We’re going to take deep breaths. We’re going to do square breathing. What’s that? 

Breathe in deep for 4 seconds. Hold 4 seconds. Breathe out deep for 4 seconds. Hold out no breath for 4 seconds. Breathe in again.  

When it’s not deep enough go to 7 seconds each. Trust me. It works. 

We don’t notice it most of the time but we take deep breaths and sigh daily when we need it. It’s a natural instinct to calm ourselves down. So when we do it intentionally it works even that much faster and better. Yoga has many breathing techniques you can learn easily by just trying it out. And trust me, you will meet women there. Balanced, healthy, deep loving and sensual, sexual beings. Active women. Activated women. We connect with people for reasons. Get to a yoga class. Or a breathwork class. Or a sound bath class. Or a workout class. Or a hiking group. Or anything of the sort. 

When we get stressed, what are we going to do? We’re going to go home. Relax. Take a hot shower or bath. Take the day off. Take the week off. When you take a bath don’t just scrub yourself clean. That’s a shower. A bath is an entirely different thing. Take a shower first to get clean. Then light a candle. Lay in the bath and deep breathe. It might sound cheesy but fucking try it. Love yourself. It will feel good! I promise. I even meditate when I’m in the bath. Why wouldn’t I? I’m Already clean and relaxed and in a warm comfortable familiar place. The perfect place to connect with my spirit and be in a ZEN State. 

Find other ways to help you return to a balanced and centered and calm emotional place without resorting to self-medicating with alcohol and drugs or addictions like places like sex and gambling and other adrenaline rush addictions that we have and instead use those things as a reward for having a stable life and environment the rest of the time. 

Stand up for yourself. Stand up for others. Take pride in being an american with flaws. We all have them. Nobody is certain to avoid a midlife crisis. Nobody is certain of anything beyond their control. But it’s always best to be prepared and to counteract the possibility when able to.  When a friend is suffering with addiction or self medication or mental health issues give them support in a way that is honest and from the heart don’t lie to them and be condescending instead tell them straight up how you feel and what you think

All that matters is that we show up and do our best. Sometimes doing our best means doing nothing at all. Taking time to ourselves and healing and finding ways to self care and better ourselves. Always working and always running around and stressing is not doing our best. That’s running ourselves down. We need to lift ourselves up. Lord knows society isn’t going to do it for us. 

Stay strong. Stay united. Stay evolving. 

We might not have it all figured it out but we will do our damndest to try to figure more of it out along the way. 

We are all just human. We are all men. We are all capable of being great men. The only thing separating us from that greatness is ourselves. 

We can do better. 

I’m certain of that. 

Thanks for reading. 


-Beau Pollock

P.S: add me on facebook or “follow” at

Please see our list of resources and links following this glossary and citation section. 



The Reverse Mid-Life Crisis™️ is a registered trademark and subject to copyright use all restrictions included and all rights reserved

All words, themes, phrases and catch-phrases Original words by C. Beau Pollock registered and subject to Writers Guild of America (WGA) within this text subject to copyright laws and any usage of text is strictly forbidden without prior written consent by Beau Pollock and Pollock Studios as well as publishing company and agents.

Any pre-published text is subject to current Pollock Studios Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA)

-C. Beau Pollock ©️Pollock Studios 2019

Book disclaimer:

About this book and corresponding books, articles, videos, social media etc: 

I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity in some instances I have changed the names of individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations, and places of residence.

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health, and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

As per diet, exercise or physical body information in this book is meant to supplement, not replace, proper (name your sport) training. Like any sport involving speed, equipment, balance and environmental factors, (this sport) poses some inherent risk. The authors and publisher advise readers to take full responsibility for their safety and know their limits. Before practising the skills described in this book, be sure that your equipment is well maintained and do not take risks beyond your level of experience, aptitude, training, and comfort level. 

Use this book only for inspirational purposes or for theory any actual practice of any included technique or suggestions is at your own free will and discretion and not recommended by the author or any affiliated companies or colleagues.