I love you. Fuck me.
15 years of film photography and ive never had my film ruined. its like the post office has never lost any of my mail. today i was fucked by a machine. it took my film and processed the first inch and then spit it out and i had to prove my case to the photo tech (newby) at cvs that didnt understand what it did. they realized either she fucked up or the machine fucked up but either way it was crushing. the first shots id taken of my lovely Ms. Morgan. intimate portraits of her in her bathroom and laying in my bed at the cabin. the girl told me she didnt know what happened to the film. i knew. god/goddess had stepped in. laid down a hammer and a wake up call. not sure what the message means but i am damn sure clear as crystal that i got it. i called my lady and she laughed at first and knew right away it was pain for both of us. thats just it though. those photos were for only us and though i would have shared them in my open hearted ways with the world through my art alas she would have rather been the only one to ever see them...it makes me know that she's right. i tried to tell her with words that she isnt just a girl that im doing a test shoot of and she isnt just a model or actress im doing some portraits for. she's the one. i knew it the first time we made love but it freaked me out. they say love happens when you least expect it and god damn are they right about that one...i knew if we ever made love again i'd be sold. signed, sealed, delivered...she owns my passion. she knows my darkness. she sees my pain and feels my emotion. she knows im a warrior and now matter what i prevail. her paintings speak to me more and more each day i see them. im so thankful and so blessed for every minute we've spent together so far that i'd gladly trade the melancholy of walking home in defeat from picking up my blank dead film for the light and love and laughter of even just the cross country phone conversation we shared last night. she brings me down to earth. i convince her to walk on her toes. its a trade off. a partnership. an agreement about love. i can't wait to see what is to come.....and to take some more pics of her whether she likes it or not.
i love you. fuck me.